The Best Bachelor Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 4

This week on the Bachelor we headed to Vegas, which inevitably meant romantic and natural first-date wedding photo-shoots!!

Olivia, a huge loser, actually says Viva Las Vegas! and proceeds to say just as annoying shit throughout the rest of the episode. From idiotic delusions like “I love this man” to constantly referring to herself in the third person, Olivia is quickly becoming one of the most irritating people in Bachelor history. WHY DON’T WE JUST STAB OLIVIA!?

The Girls Arrive In Vegas

Chris Harrison: Ben is no longer in Los Angeles…he went to the funeral of his family friends who died last week…just kidding he’s in Vegas!

Ben: “Vegas is a place where people do find love,” said every hooker to her father ever. Even I don’t buy that shit and I managed to convince my parents that Spring Break was a great place to find everlasting romance. 

Olivia: Ben is like my peace. I’m Zen with Ben. – Yeah we can tell you’re so chill about everything.

The twins are so excited to be going to Vegas where they’re from and where they worked their first pole. Meanwhile, this hotel suite looks exactly like where they filmed Jordan Belfort’s bachelor party.

Ben: I want them to feel special I want them to feel appreciated. – I feel like they have the same policy at the Spearmint Rhino.

Jojo: I’m pretty sure every one of us fell in love in that moment. – You mean that moment when ABC paid $10 grand to put a note addressed to none of you in particular that Ben didn’t actually write on a digital billboard?

Leah says she feels like a baller and would never ever be able to stay here if it weren’t for Ben. False, ABC should be so annoyed Ben is getting the credit for literally doing nothing.

Date with Jojo

I can’t wait for Jojo aka Isla Fisher to tell Ben that he better never leave her because she’ll find him.

Jojo on her Bachelor Interview:

Why does Jojo keep referring to her ex as “them” and “they’re” like it was a woman!?

Now Olivia is flipping out about Jojo, 10 seconds ago she was zen with Ben.

Ben: I’ve just had so many moments with you.
Jojo: Like I have so much fun and so many fun times with you.


Ben: Tonight isn’t done yet. I still need to feel your boobs.

Group Talent Show

“I love Terry Fator, I grew up watching Terry Fator.” WHO THE FUCK IS TERRY FATOR?

Chris Harrison: Ladies, who here has a special talent besides blow jobs?

Jennifer looks like Olivia Munn.

We all know you have no talent Lauren B., that’s why you’re on The Bachelor.

Jubilee playing the cello (which HAPPENED to be readily available) looks like something out of a suspense horror movie. Too quiet.

“It is a full house…” … pretty sure I saw 30 empty seats in the front.

OMG this Irish dance by the twins who happen to be wearing traditional Oktoberfest garb IS SO ABSURD BUT THEY ARE SO GOOD.

Caila has a real way of connecting with Ben when she sees him.
Caila: Sometimes I’m just like ahhh then other times I’m just like AHHH! You know?

Olivia’s talent is getting naked and jumping out of a cake. She was going for a Marilyn vibe but instead she gave off much more of a Cameron Diaz drunk mess in What Happens ln Vegas vibe.

Olivia, your cankles are showing.

Ben is trying to hide his boner when Olivia comes down it’s so awkward. You can tell he is turned on but also turned off.

Amanda, after Olivia’s performance: So I’m not really sure what Ben’s thinking right now. –  Probably something like “I wanna have sex with that hot bitch.”

Olivia: I don’t think I screamed marriage material. – Maybe should’ve thought about that before you let the producers convince you to emerge from a cake wearing lingerie in front of 1200 people.

Olivia you can’t just take over Boyz II Men’s dressing room to go cry. Who do you think you are?

OMG the first time we see someone eating on this show is Olivia after her depressing talk with Ben. She’s totally going to gain 10 pounds by next episode from this stress eating.

Lauren B. is so fucking intense with her creepy shit. “I wanna meet your family” and then now “this could be my last first date.” Ben is like can you shut the fuck up and like, chill for a sec.

OMG that was so awkward when Emily says “Have a good one!” as Olivia kicks her out of her alone time with Ben.

Ben how many nights are you going to wear this leather jacket, I get that you got it from Massimo in Florence but like, switch it up.

Date with Becca

How does the fugly wedding dress magically fit her? I totally forgot that Becca is a virgin.

LOL fake engagement you’re so fucking funny Ben. Becca proves to be the most normal one of everyone after proclaiming that doesn’t actually want to get married on the first date.

Ew this wedding that they’re officiating is gross and this couple is tacky and I hate them. Every couple they marry looks super methed out?

OMG Ben stop narrating this date.

Becca: Thanks for choosing me…to marry poor couples in front of a gyrating Elvis. 

The two then go to the Neon Museum which tbh, looks like a great place to take ecstasy.

Ben: I have so many questions about Becca. Can she love? Can she feel? Can she put out? I want to know them now rather than later.

Ben: Becca, I’m so happy you were on this date with me. It was so great to be a part of people’s lives and future divorces with you. My vow for you from this day forward is to smile when it’s appropriate, to laugh when things get awkward, and to take you on super cool dates yo.

Weird Day Date With The Twins

Ben decides to take the twins on a ‘hometown date’. He wants to get his twins threesome in before he dumps them both. Chris announces this to the girls and they are shocked. These girls look a little frightening without makeup on and they start to get ready immediately.


Way to distinguish yourself by fucking matching, girls. I cannot tell these bitches apart.

Wow Emily, way to throw your sister under the bus.

Ben should make their mom choose who stays.

Twins mom: Emily has always been the more dominant one, the more outgoing one.
Ben: Wait, which one’s Emily?

What kind of psycho mom tells her two twin daughters they should go on a dating show where they date the same fucking guy. No wonder Ben’s not meeting their dad.

Ben then dumps the shit out of Haley and pretty much immediately leaves with Emily.

Ben: I’m doing this here so Haley can just STAY HOME.

Emily wastes no time snuggling up to Ben in the limo and she’s like “bye bitch, you can chill with mom now.” Showing her sister that she’s the better, more attractive, lovable twin really puts Emily in the mood.

Cocktail Party

Is there a rule that like, you have to leave if Olivia comes into the room like can’t they just be like can you give us a sec?

Wouldn’t it be funny if Ben sent the other twin home at the rose ceremony?

Olivia then corners Ben like a fucking piranha.  Nothing says “I’m not insecure” like saying you’re not insecure.

Olivia: I’m completely falling for you
Ben: K. What kind of cake is this?

Aw Ben is so cute pumping Jubilee up like this so adorable.
Ben to Jubilee: You’re here, you’re amazing, you’ve served our country, why you mad?

What are you, a fucking vampire Olivia, chill with the “Ben is mine” shit.

Olivia: That would be gigantor for me.

OMG I can’t believe Olivia muttered ‘seriously’ when Jennifer got a rose.

Olivia stop speaking about yourself in 3rd person it’s fucking weird you’re not Elmo.

OMG Amber you are so going home. No one cares about you, bye.

Rachel has to go back to being unemployed. At least you don’t have to go to work on Monday!


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