The Best Bachelor Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 3

Last night on the Bachelor we got to see what happens when a bunch of jealous bachelorettes get together and do a six way calling attack and it backfires. Is it just me or did Ben seem to actually like Jubilee more after he saw all the girls coming after her? Nothing like a deadly plane crash to help a group of desperate single women put their petty bullshit behind them. 

Sadly our favorite drunken mess Lace left to go “work on herself more.” Sucks for us, but honestly she deserves props for saving herself from further embarrassment so maybe she’s not as dumb as we thought. Then again, I wonder how many producers had to be cornering her and telling her that she wasn’t getting a rose so she might as well fake cry and shout her need for self-improvement from the rooftops? Our guess is no less than three…

We can’t wait till next week when we get to see more vicious attacks on Jubilee and maybe, if we’re lucky, the camera will show us Ben squeezing Olivia’s cankles as a secret sign of their true love.

Side Note: Have you ever wondered what Bernie Sanders thinks of The Bachelor because we got the exclusive:


Date with Lauren B.

“I have a great date planned for Lauren B. and I.” – Is Lauren B. ‘amazing’ enough for you to stop calling her Lauren B. and just Lauren perhaps?

Ben: We’re going in this plane.
Lauren: Shut the front door. Are we going in this plane?
Ben: Yes I just said that, idiot. 

What kind of flight attendant forgets to do a seat belt safety demonstration? This date actually makes me nervous that flight attendants are not being properly trained. Like you’re scared of a small toy airplane yet you’re a fucking FLIGHT ATTENDANT.

Ben: Lauren B. is making this day more amazing than I could have imagined it’d be. – All she is fucking doing is literally sitting there saying “OMG.” How is she adding to the experience?

Ben has a serious hot tub fetish. I guess he purchased the one he tested out with Caila in the used hot tub store. 

Okay so like, where is this hot tub plugged into?

Ew why is Ben’s tattoo like a paragraph long? Probs an ode to his high school sweetheart…or hot tubs. 

“Dang it you’re cute” – VOM.

Ben: My dad had triple bypass surgery.
Lauren B: Ew, your dad is fat?

You should probably just both go date your dads. Hate to break it to you Lauren B., but ‘simple things’ is not a descriptive answer to a question about your hobbies.

Lauren B: I want you to meet my family…omg lol sorry sounded like Lace right there. 

Soccer Date

Ben: Today I want to just see how the women interact with each other, how they work as a team, if they give 110 percent, how they handle balls.

They’re all gonna pop their implants… now THAT would make a good episode.

“I have zero ball handling skills” – the Laura Dern girl

Olivia speaks like she’s reporting financial news and her fellow contestants are plummeting stocks.

“It’s my goal to steal Ben tonight.” – Amber talking about Ben like he’s a game of capture the flag.

This is like a whole team of Where’s Waldos.

Lace didn’t know the goalie could pick up the ball? Has she been locked in a cage her whole life? I feel like she was def doing meth in the bathroom during high school gym class.

These girls are all pretending like they’d die to win this date and spend more time with Ben but there have got to be some girls here who are dying to lose so they can go home, take off their three pounds of makeup, and watch Making A Murderer.

Amber learned a lot in the past year, but apparently not that The Bachelor isn’t the place to find love.

Shushanna it’s prob good you didn’t get to go onto the cocktail party you need to go home and whip out your Rosetta Stone, you sound like an eastern European hooker.

“Perfection is so lame, I have bad toes.” – Well my nail beds suck Olivia but do you hear me bitching about it?

Date with Jubilee

Why are all these girls bitching because Jubilee made a joke about not wanting to go on a date? Somone needs to pump this house with Xanax.

Jubilee: You’re late Ben, you know I won’t be IGNORED, BEN.

CLASS ACT ALERT. Jubilee spits out her caviar. 

Jubilee: I am obsessed with hot dogs
Ben: Oh yeah? I’ll show you a hot dog.

Jubz tries to act like she doesn’t like him but that doesn’t work when you’re on a date that you previously auditioned for. 

Jubilee: When you’re dating someone it’s important to see what a normal day would be like. – Probably exactly like this.

“If I win you have to give me a kiss, and if you win I have to give you a kiss.” – GOOD ONE JUBE.

Jubilee’s all-over tattoos remind me of the guy in Memento who needs them as instructions to remember he has to go kill someone.

“People always say to me, you have a lot of layers Jubilee.”  Okay, Shrek.

Ben seriously needs face oil blotting pads during this dinner.

Did anyone else see Ben casually try to brush off something he wiped on Jubilee’s shirt? And then made a face like oo shit that’s not gonna come out.

Ben: Tell me more about Haiti and being abandoned by your parents.

Jubilee: My whole family is dead. Can we get dessert?

Of course the “my whole family died” card gets a rose. ::camera dramatically pans to uneaten tuna steak::

Cocktail Party Drama & Rose Ceremony

Jubilee is still wearing her bikini from the date the morning after. Clean!

Caila has a nervous breakdown upon realizing she’s on a dating competition show. It’s like they’ve never seen The Bachelor before.

Ben: Feeling a little down. Several people close to me have died.
Jennifer: So does that mean there’s no cocktail party?

Olivia: I know you’re sad and I can totally sympathize. There are like entire blogs devoted to my cankles I totally get what you’re going through.

Lace: Quotes own tattoo then leaves.


Amber, haven’t you been on the Bachelor enough to know that the person who confronts Ben loses? Totes embarassing. 

“Jeez Louise I want that rose so bad!” – Girl who isn’t getting a rose

Now back in stock, celebrate Bachelor Monday by getting wasted for all the wrong reasons

here for the wrong reasons tank


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