The Best Bachelor Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 1

Last night’s season premiere of the Bachelor was everything we expected and more. Ben looked hot AF yet had the self-esteem of Laney Boggs. The contestants were beautiful yet weird and unemployed and Chris Harrison asked the probing questions that we all hadn’t even thought to investigate yet. “Becca, will you put out for Ben if given the opportunity?”

One thing we were surprised by was how much of a crier Ben is. Like, serious mamma’s boy style. It’s only the opener and Ben is already weeping about being unlovable. Also, he’s constantly calling and texting his parents as if he were an 11 year old daddy’s girl who just got to camp. “Dad, I’m here. The people are really pretty. Please send my lip smackers and Dunkaroos with the chocolate frosting.” Let’s break down the start of what promises to be a very tearful, “dramatic” season.

Ben’s Opener

“Warsaw, Indiana feels like America” – Well it def feels more American than Warsaw Poland.

Ben: I constantly stop in with my former teachers at my high school to say hi. – Ben, get a life.

Ben’s biggest fear is being unlovable. “I wanna find a woman where I can say I love you and she can say it back.” – big goals Ben, big goals.

“YOU ARE LOVABLE BEN!” – Every woman on her couch in America.

Pow wow with former sell-outs Jason Mesnik, Chris Soules, and Sean Lowe

Chris Soules: You have one opportunity to meet your wife so like, get as much head as you can.

I’m getting serious Brendan Frasier in Bedazzled vibes from him. No one wants your advice Chris, you’re single. 

Chris Soules: You gotta give 110%


“Just follow your heart it was all worth it”… okay but like Jason Mesnik, you cheated on the girl you picked with the runner up soooo…..

Ben is wearing a bracelet that says ‘hope’…whoever he picks is going to need to address his jewelry choices. 

The Girls/Cocktail Party 

Lauren B:  Flight attendant that loves meeting new people and drinking wine with her friends. Honestly this sounds like a bad bio.

Caila Quinn: Lover of walking on the side of highways. Looks like Catherine. Loves Boston which TBH is a deal breaker. Likes painting ugly shit and breaking up with her boyfriend for unattainable reality stars. There’s definitely something wrong with YOU, not your boyfriend, when you break up with him because you like a guy you saw on TV. She and Ben are both in software sales so like, they have the most boring aspect of their life in common. 

Jubilee: Loves doing push ups and embarrassing the US Army by going on the Bachelor. Isis should be very afraid of us now.

Mandi: “Not your average girl.” Loves weird shit like wearing ugly hats, having a fire-breathing cyclist drive around her, and choosing to be a dentist. Would never date a guy with gingivitis. Looks a little like a scarier looking Heather Graham in need of a nose job. Wears a rose on her head to up her chances of looking stupid on national television. Ben gets exactly what everyone wants on their first date, a dental cleaning.

Amanda: Has 2 kids, is divorced and is 25 ARE YOU KIDDING YOU LOOK LIKE YOU WORK AT LF. Amanda doesn’t watch her daughters close enough on the beach and is like, the first person on this show to have more than one kid. She then tells her kids to state that Ben is Prince Charming in her intro video. That’s some great mothering Amanda, have your kids get emotionally attached to the guy you haven’t even met yet.

Emily and Haley: Twins who escaped a Las Vegas freak show. “We’ve never dated the same person,” they say as if that’s a surprise. Their occupation is actually listed as twins. As the twins walk away from him, Ben whispers “yesssssss.”

Tiara: Chicken enthusiast. I’m also a chicken enthusiast. Grilled chicken. LOLlolol the portraits of the chickens with Ben in the middle… that was a good touch ABC.

Rachel: Rides a hover board, is unemployed. This is probably because she spends her time hover boarding. I feel like I probably saw her at temple once.

Sam: Awkwardly walks through the beach weeds while telling sad stories. Gets emotional because her dad died of ALS. Is she going to be forcing ice bucket challenges on everyone this whole season?

Jami: Bartender, annoying laugh. Makes a dick joke far too soon. Has no ‘E’ in her name so she was basically born to be a Bachelor contestant. 

Olivia: Very pretty but her hair is too flat, sorry. A news anchor that proclaims “BEN IS A GOD” which leads to the first impression rose. I knew he was going to give it to Olivia. I KNOW BEN. Prediction: def here to be the next Bachelorette too bad everyone will hate her muahaha.


Chris: You’re about to meet 25 beautiful women from around the world, anything you need to do? Calm your nerves?
Ben: Can I jerk off in the back real quick?

Lace: Sort of looks like Sarah Silverman. “I’m just sitting here judging people.” Lace, you’re drunk, go home. Ironically wearing ugly lace while being named Lace. She tries to force a kiss on Ben who is so nervous but finds a great way to avoid kissing this psychopath.

“Ben took me aside and told me people are shady and he made me feel special.” – Um, Lace, no that’s not what happened, crazy.

Ben just keeps telling everyone how gorgeous they are. “Hey Jen you’re gorgeous, hey Lace you’re gorgeous, hey leaf growing on the side of the house, you’re gorgeous too.”

Lauren: Math teacher, leads with her stalking ability. This is like bad first date etiquette 101. Seeing Ben’s face go from you’re so hot to you’re so crazy was amazing.

Shushanna – Does not speak one word of English the entire episode so it’s definitely possible she thought this was a reality show about mail-order brides.

Caila again: I hate her 1920s flapper shoes is she joking?

Leah: Girl who loves playing football in cocktail dresses. Looks like she’s about to show us her dick.

Maegan: Lesbian riding the donkey.

Brienne: Nutrition therapist. “Gluten is satan.” 

Jojo: Looks like a darker Isla Fischer.  Makes Ben plays fucking 20 questions to find out the most boring facts about herself. “I’m from….Dallas!” OMG so unique!

Laura: Looks like poor man’s Emma Stone. But she does have some spunky snarky shit to say so we like her. Too bad Ben doesn’t ☹ “Red Heads aren’t for everyone” 

Izzy: He’s the onesie for me.  – That’s all we needed to hear.

Becca (yay!) and Amber (who no one gives a shit about) Arrive

Becca’s like, fucking glowing. Excellent makeup job.

Chris Harrison: Becca, remember the time you were a virgin during Chris’s season? Are you gonna let that go this season? 

It would actually have made my life if Ben saw them and immediately screamed “GET RIGHT BACK IN THE LIMO RIGHT NOW.”

Becca and Amber walk in in short black dresses instead of long back tie sparkly dresses like the senior girls at sorority formals. They’ve already been there so they DGAF.

Rose Ceremony

I guess Ben likes all colors and sizes besides redheads.

Brianne of Tarth can take her fucking gluten free life and GTFO. I guess Ben wants more gluten in his life than she can offer. Was Brianne shocked he didn’t like her after she made him smash baguettes into the street?

“Lace tells me I didn’t make eye contact with her at the rose ceremony but like I gave her a rose WTF!”, Oh Ben, you have so much to learn about crazy people women.


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