The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 5

This week on The Bachelor Chris Harrison announces that everyone will be going to Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, a destination where people go to catch a cruise ship to literally anywhere else. I have a lot of questions for ABC about this destination. First, they couldn’t even spring for Miami?? Is it because Bekah M’s parents wouldn’t sign her permission slip? Or is it just that Nick’s season performed so poorly that they actually lost money and had to cut the budget somewhere? Because that’s the only reason for Arie to be over here telling us how “sexy” and “cool” Ft. Lauderdale is. The. only. reason.

The First One-On-One Date

The first one-on-one date goes to Chelsea, and I’m v surprised. Normally Arie reserves the one-on-one dates for girls he doesn’t like but knows he should because they’re either beautiful, smart, or born within the same decade as him; or girls he likes but knows he shouldn’t so the world won’t think he’s a pedophile. Chelsea is age-appropriate, has a son, seems mature, and is actually looking for a stable, committed relationship. Actually, wait, maybe Chelsea does fall into one of these categories.

Arie left her hanging just like Rose did Jack when she was hogging that whole fucking door. I’m sure this isn’t an indicator of what their future will look like together. Nope, not at all.

Wait, so Maquel gets to just come back? Seinne is like “she bounced back from that death in the family a lot sooner than we all expected” and it’s like, yeah, I thought her grief would last longer than 48 hours as well.

MAQUEL: I felt jealous when I saw Arie and Chelsea together. I was like, “dang I want to be on a yacht.”

Don’t ever say Maquel isn’t here for the right reasons, people.

Chelsea keeps talking about how her ex “swept her off her feet” and fed her all sorts of lies about being able to afford nice things for her and her son. Which is kind of like week two when production allowed Arie to look in their prop closet Arie bought the other Becca Louboutins and a new wardrobe. I would not hitch my wagon to his star, Chel.

Honestly, Chelsea’s sob story just makes me want to set the entire male population on fire (lol as if I didn’t already). I know some people don’t like Chelsea, but I think she’s too good for this show. She’s definitely the girl Arie should be with but won’t because he’d rather bang the babysitter Bekah M.

The Group Date

We’re 0.03 seconds into this bowling group date and I’ve already started drafting a letter with constructive criticism hate mail to ABC demanding answers for wtf I’m watching on my screen. Did Arie just lick that bowling ball? DID HE?? ABC, I know you don’t have a lot to work with here but this really isn’t the way to work on Arie’s sex appeal.


Also, I love that all the girls are drinking out of Solo cups. And that they’re getting shitfaced off a single Solo cup of beer. What must it be like to live inside those livers? Is it all rainbows and sunshine gluten-free protein shakes? Do little birds sing and dress them in the mornings as well?

Oh God, they’re cheering. This is more painful to watch than my Snap story on Saturday morning. I’m waiting for one of the girls on the pink team to be like “you’re being a cheer-tator, Kendall, and a pain in my ass!”

The Pin Ups! #TheBachelor

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What do the winners of this bowling competition get? Arie’s attention split between six girls instead of 12? Ladies, we’re better than this!

In a complete twist of events Team Ratchet Spare Roses actually wins the competition! I guess half a can of Bud Light can make a winner out of anyone, except me my freshman year of college.

Lol wait Arie just changed his mind and said all the girls can come to the cocktail party later. Little does he know of the riot he surely just incited between the winning and losing teams.

Soooo apparently some tea was fucking spilled on the bus ride back to the mansion. Krystal apparently kept going on and on about how much of a liar Arie is and how betrayed she feels and blah, blah, blah. Tbh she kind of sounds like me when my Uber driver refuses to let me eat pizza in his car, but whatever.

OMFG SHE’S NOT GOING TO THE PARTY. WHAT. Krystal says—and I quote—that she is not going on the date and has her bags packed. Wow that is a bold fucking move, one which I definitely think will work in her favor because something tells me that Arie likes when women fuck with his mind and emotions.

ARIE: Where’s Krystal?

BEKAH M: She’s pouting at home, which is something I would never do because I’m so mature even though I’m 22. Maturity has nothing to do with age and age is nothing but a number and I’M SO FREAKING MATURE OKAY.


Wow this plan really worked in Krystal’s favor, huh? Arie is really going all the way up there to talk to her one-on-one.

I love how Arie is trying to give her this stern talking-to while also trying to conceal a boner after witnessing all her crazy. Like, is this their foreplay? I would take him more seriously when he says “this is what I don’t want in a relationship” if he didn’t just rush off to the house to go hang out with Krystal three seconds after hearing she was upset with him.

Anyway, back to the cocktail party portion of the date. Once again, Arie is feeling up Bekah M like her curfew ends in 15 minutes.

BEKAH M: You keep bringing all of these insecurities up about me!

ARIE: I know I just worry… that you might be underage.

KRYSTAL IS COMING TO THE PARTY. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. This girl has got some balls. I would say let’s wait to see how this plays out, but I know she def makes it to next week because ABC just blatantly showed her in the promo for the new episode. ABC, YOU ARE TRASH.

Bekah M must have just had her bday, because girl has herself a martini. You can tell she thinks this makes her look more mature than her normal drink order of Tito’s and soda. You’re not fooling anyone, honey.

Lauren B keeps getting more and more screen time, and I wish she wouldn’t, because she’s killing my buzz. Seriously, she looks like the kind of girl who counts how many drinks she’s had when she goes out and then declares “I’m wasted” by 11pm.

The Other One-On-One Date

Tia gets the other one-on-one date and I have no idea how we’re only an hour into this episode. I feel like I’ve aged 12 years since the group date.

Honestly, I have nothing to say about this date. They eat fried corn on the cob and talk about “frogging” and I think I’d rather watch my toenails grow than this date for one more fucking second.

Be real with me ABC, is Chris Harrison phoning it in this season? Because if he REALLY wanted it to be the most dramatic season ever, he could have found a way to make that alligator attack. Soak their underwear in meat, perhaps?

I just don’t feel like Raven—sorry, Tia—is that into Arie? I feel like she’s only here because production couldn’t get Raven to come on again.

Arie keeps talking about his come-to-Jesus moment when he realized it was time to stop banging sorority girls settle down and he says it was at his brother’s wedding. Which was also around the same time that his Bachelor contract was signed and finalized. Weird.

Oh god Tia just dropped the love bomb on Arie and I can’t. Tia, are we looking at the same guy here?? You really think your future involves this guy? Really?

The Rose Ceremony

The rose ceremony starts off strong with everyone wanting a piece of Krystal. And I literally mean a piece. If she’s not drawn and quartered by the end of this episode by the angry mob of women with beautifully done barrel curls, then I will be genuinely surprised.

KRYSTAL: Just to be clear, yesterday I wasn’t pouting, I was investing in myself.


Okay, I’ve had just about enough of Bekah M this episode. She’s gunning for Krystal so hard rn and all it’s doing is proving to me that you can take the girl out of a sorority chapter meeting, but you can’t take the sorority chapter meeting out of the girl. Don’t get me wrong, I HATE Krystal, but Bekah M is really letting her age show. She’s trying so hard to be mature and “above all the drama” and then inserts herself right in the middle of it. Bekah, honey, let me give you some advice. If you want to seem more mature maybe stop verbally sparring with a person who thinks she can end an argument with a glitter mic drop.

Okay, how is Jacqueline still here? I don’t think I’ve heard her say any words? Does she speak?

Arie and Krystal have it out another time before the rose ceremony. Wait wait wait wait WAIT. Krystal grew up in a bowling alley? And she didn’t have a bed and she raised her now homeless younger brother? Is this the plot of a Lifetime movie or her actual life? Can someone please fact-check this for me?

KRYSTAL: *laughs* I guess we just had our first fight!

ARIE: This could be our last fight.


The rose ceremony goes as such: Maquel, Marikh, and Ashley all go home, which proves if you are crazy you will go far in this game. I would have gone far in this game. Perhaps I’ll try and channel my inner infant the next time I try and seduce my Hinge date.

And on that note, see you next week bitches!

Images: ABC (3); Giphy (5); Bachelor ABC / Instagram

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