This year’s most popular baby names are bad as every other year, with one notable exception: BabyCenter released their annual list of popular names, and by far the most disturbing trend is that people are increasingly naming their kids — their real, human children who will one day have to apply for jobs and pay taxes — after fucking Instagram filters:
— BabyCenter (@BabyCenter) December 1, 2015
Fuck you, BabyCenter, that should be NO ONE’S “favorite trend.” The saving grace is that these names are… almost human sounding? I mean, would I fuck a girl named Lux? Yes, I would (that’s a girl name, right?). Juno? ONLY IF SHE LOOKS LIKE ELLEN PAGE! The outlier is “Ludwig,” which, damn: If you name your kid “Ludwig” in 21st century America and not 18th century Austria, you’re just asking for him to get his teeth kicked in from the time they sprout to the time he tells you he’s moving to Indonesia to become an exotic dancer.
In a sane world, people would name babies the same way they name pets: Wait a few months until you know you’re for sure keeping it and won’t let it run out in the road to get hit by a car. In the meantime, you just refer to it as “the dog,” or “the cat,” or “the baby.” THEN you can call it Mr. Lunchbox, or whatever the fuck. But no. Because people need to be trendy in every facet of life up to and including the offspring they fire from their uteri like t-shirts at a basketball game, they instead turn to the year’s most popular baby names, because God forbid your child is the only “Krysanthemum” in their $40k per year pre-school.