Science Says Athletes Drink More Than Non-Athletes

Some researchers at Penn State decided to tell us what we already know: athletes drink a shit ton of alcohol. Seriously, it’s like the joke of the century that our parents thought organized sports in high school would keep us out of trouble, considering that the captain of the field hockey team poured me my first shot when I was a freshmen. 

Well somebody get these guys a Nobel, because “exercisers like to drink. And on days when they exercise more than usual, they also tend to drink more.” Have they never fucking heard of the post-game rager? These scientists had to have been homeschooled. 

They tried to justify this with the fact that “both exercise and alcohol activate the brain’s reward centers.” But they neglect that athletes generally look older and don’t get carded as much, athletes’ parents give no fucks as long as the team keeps winning, and hazing requires at least half the team to blackout. Apparently, these guys are really confused because they write all about how drinking before a workout fucks with your muscles. Fucking duh. That’s why every bro starts his day with pre-workout and then has a shower-beer after practice. 

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