Dear Betch, Should I Ask My Long-Distance Hookup If We’re Exclusive?

Dear Betches,

So when I was travelling last summer I met this amazing guy. He changed his plans to come and stay with me a bit on his way home.

Although all communication has been through either Skype or good old Mark Zuckerberg, I really like him. Since we’ve been staying in touch we have both bought flights to holiday together in Mexico for two weeks.

I’m excited! But also kinda freaking out. We didn’t say we were exclusive & I’ve slept with other people. I don’t know if he has or not and I don’t know whether I want him to have done or not. Am I allowed to ask or will that make things weird? Will it be weird spending so much time together after being apart for seven months? Am I going to end up on a sixty minutes special with my family giving heartfelt direct to cameras about how I’m so full of life? What are the best places to party? What is a cartel? Will I need to buy an adaptor for Mexican plugs? Can the human body survive for two weeks on tequila and lime?

Please advise. Any useful Spanish phrases much appreciated.


Just want to be drunk on a beach betch


I just want everybody to know that the subject line of this girl’s email was “Is he the Juan?” which is, incidentally, the title of MTV’s latest dating reality show, which takes place in Cabo.

Onto the advice.

Disclosure: most of the answers I’m about to provide come from the time I binge-watched Weeds on Netflix. A cartel is like, a group of drug lords who run shit and just generally are not good people to be fucked with. You definitely won’t end up on a 60 Minutes special, silly. Stories on white girls getting tragically abducted and murdered in foreign countries are for Dateline. There are like, multiple cities in Mexico, what, do you want me to give you a rundown of the nightlife scene in each one? Here, we wrote about Cancun back in 2014. I can’t say how relevant any of that is since I’m not your travel agent. If the human body can’t survive on tequila and lime alone, I never would have lived through the week leading up to, and including, Cinco de Mayo. You might need to buy an adaptor, JFC I’m not fucking Google.

Given that you more or less booked this vacation so you could bang this guy in an exotic location, I’m gonna go ahead and advise you not to inquire about your exclusivity status (because I doubt it’s a thing). Best case scenario, he hasn’t hooked up with anyone and you might feel kind of slutty and like, guilty. Worst case scenario, he’s fucked a bunch of other girls and now you just got an STD and oh god it’s AIDS, I’m doing what you just did and totally spiraling out of control, somebody please help!

JK but if you see what I did there, basically no good can come of either of you knowing who the other person has/hasn’t fucked. Ignorance is bliss here. I mean it’s not like you’re going to be exclusive after the vacation once you go back to your respective…wherever the fuck you both live, anyway, right? Just have a pina colada (or 7), get banged out a few times (or 7), and relax and enjoy your vacation for what it is. Talk about first world problems.

¿Dónde está la biblioteca, Pedro?

The Betches


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