Ask a Pro

This week on Ask a Pro: Head Pro returns from a much-needed vacay (it was an all-male cruise to Latin America, if you must know) to find a backlog of betches in need of assistance.

Dear head pro,

I’ve had this problem for quite some time, and while it might be more appropriate to send to “Cosmo” or some other magazine, I think you answer will be more helpful. Im the betch that hangs out with all bros, and only bros. But about a year ago I slept with one of these best bros. To make matters worse, his mom is dating my dad. He basically said he only wanted to be friends (even though Im in love with him), but continues to text me at the wee hours of the morning to sneak on up to his bed, and its good so I happily go. Its been a year, and our relationship has not changed, except for the sex part, and now he is moving to the other side of the country. What do I do??


All in the family

Dear All in the Family,

Holy incest Batman! No, just kidding. In middle school this loser we all knew had a smoking hot stepsister, and much of our conversations revolved around how if we were him and living with such a hot, technically unrelated piece living down the hall, we would totally find a way to like, see her boobs or something. I know, as bros we become sweet at an early age.

The real meat of your question is what to do about a former guy-friend turned booty caller extraordinaire who’s now moving 3,000 miles away. The short answer would be nothing, because he’s moving fucking 3,000 miles away. There’s literally nothing you could “do”. Actually, I’m not sure what your desired result is. Somehow convince him to not move and instead stay and love you and treat you like a princess? Yeah, not going to happen. You blew (haha, blew) that when you made it clear that you were down for late-night booty calls whenever he asked. Bros might be some of the smartest creatures on the planet, but when it comes to love we turn into big, dumb (albeit handsome) animals that only give chase if necessary. You think a proud, majestic lion would chase down an antelope or some shit if there was a perfectly butchered cut of meat sitting in the bunk (or whatever it is lions sleep on) below him?

I know it sucks to lose a friend/fuck buddy to distance, but it’s not like he’s dying. If the relationship between your parents continues to work out, then maybe you too could live out the incestuous dream of having a step sibling that you just so happen to want to bang. Otherwise, over time he’ll just become somebody that you used to know (love that song).

Brotherly kisses,

Head Pro

Dear Head Pro

I’m in desperate need of some emotion free pro advice on my dilemma about the Love emotion with this pro I’m currently dating; I know you are the perfect person to go to for this.
After 1 semester of college life, I was over the SABs and bros so naturally I moved on to the college version of the #62 pro—the MBA. I met my MBA on my birthday. He asked me out on a date that week in standard pro fashion. We took things slow because there is a big age difference (10 yrs) but we’ve now been dating for a year and a half. He just graduated from business school, moved to Chicago, and returned to his pro lifestyle. We decided to do the whole LDR thing (we only live 4 hours apart).

Here’s my dilemma: we don’t drop L-bombs.  He’s told me he wants to marry me (drunkenly), that I’m the hottest girl he’s ever been with (duh), and various other mushy shit but he has never said he loves me. Is this a deal breaker? I think I love him but have never told him. Is it acceptable for a betch to be in a LDR with a guy she’s been dating for 1.5 years but with no “I love you”s ? Or as a betch should I not give a shit if he doesn’t say it and just be confident in our relationship? Is waiting forever to drop l-bombs just typical of a pro? What should my strategy be and should it be an exit strategy? I’m having serious #144 anxiety about this whole sitch.


Over waiting for the L-bomb

Dear Over Waiting for the L-Bomb,

So when you say “we” don’t drop L-bombs, I assume you mean him, because obviously you’re looking to if you’re emailing me about it. Also, stop calling it an “L-Bomb”. The fact that you call it that tells me you’re not ready for it.

You casually mention you’re “only” four hours apart, but four hours is pretty fucking far. Think about it, that’s him driving to you when he gets off work and not arriving until around 10PM, or him eating up half a day driving to you on the weekend. That is a huge, huge barrier for any successful relationship. I’m actually amazed that you’ve made it a year and a half.

Rather than obsess over him saying he loves you, I’d look for more concrete signs of commitment. Is this four hour distance permanent? If he shows no signs of trying to cut down on the distance, then you have a lot more than words (also a great song) to worry about. From a guy’s perspective, it makes sense to not elevate things emotionally in a relationship that on paper doesn’t seem to have much of a chance of panning out over the long-term. Also, given that this pro is likely in his 30’s and just started a new career path, it’s entirely possible that he’s hesitant to commit when he’s just begun a new chapter in his life.

You don’t necessarily need to start plotting an exit strategy, but you need to start keying in on the right things. As I’ve said before, words are cheap. Gauge his commitment through his actions, not his words. Be realistic about the probabilities of a future together, and then act accordingly.

Cradle-robbing kisses,

Head Pro


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