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Subject: I'm an adorable Asian, please answer me sir

Dear Pro,

Okay, it was not very betchy to use my race to get your attention. I'm also actually half-Asian, but aren't you so touched about how dedicated I am to reading your posts? I feel also extremely unbetchy to be writing you, since I'm twenty-fucking-five.  I can't believe I'm this old and writing from an anonymous account for romantic advice.

Regardless, the condensed version of the story is I just moved from NY to Cali to start a new job and met a guy who was in the same exact position.  He works in the same company in another floor and we sat next to each other at employee orientation. We've been pretty inseparable ever since (as friends)– we have dinner together almost every night of the week, go to the movies, wine tasting, etc. Some nights we'd cuddle up to watch a movie or read on his bed together and you would think we're an adorable married old couple.

A few nights ago, we made dinner together and were a little tipsy from wine.  And we started making out intensely (he initiated).  As things started to heat up, however, he pulled away and said we should remain good friends, buddies, platonic relationship,he doesn't want a committed relationship,  whatever. I thought things might get awkward, but actually they didn't.  We still spend the same amount of time together, hold hands while going out to dinners, and sometimes he calls me darling or baby.  He's constantly hugging me or touching me in some way.  He goes out of his way to do me favors all the time.

At the same time, he keeps talking about his pursuit of other romantic interests and comments every time we're together and he sees someone attractive.  When he's not calling me babe he calls me a buddy. I feel pretty in control of the situation and I swear to god I'm not acting like a DD.  But I'm just confused as fuck.  I know some guys like to be touchy and flirty with their female friends all the time, but is it normal to do all the things I mentioned above with a platonic friend?  I've even had a few ex-boyfriends with whom I've never held hands in public. My gut feeling is that he kinda likes me but he just doesn't want to commit to one person.  Or he thinks I'm attractive but not attractive enough to forgo sex with other hot women he sees.

Am I rightfully confused? Or am I manifesting early signs of a DD (worst nightmare)?  I have been going on dates, meeting other people, etc, but most of the time, all I think about is this guy.

Kisses (and maybe more),

Confused in California

Dear Confused in California,

I’ll allow your playing the race card just this once, because it’s not fair to prey upon a man’s natural weakness like that. When I want to hook up with a girl, do I position myself in such a way that she can see my statuesque jawline and impeccable sense of style? Of course not, that would basically be chea- Nevermind, bad example. That’s exactly what I do. Anyway, you know what you’ve done here and I hope you’re at least a little ashamed of it.

Before the commenters yell at me for not mentioning it sooner, I think you have a classic case of MGB on your hands. Think about it, what other guy holds hands, cuddles, and uses pet names with a girl he’s not planning on fucking? Don’t be fooled by him pointing out hot girls, because you don’t have to be straight to acknowledge an attractive woman. Sure you guys kissed one time, but he put the kabosh on that pretty quickly. Don’t think a gay dude would ever bother kissing a girl to see what all the fuss was about? Me neither, except for oh, I don’t know, the fucking end scenes of “Mean Girls”?

I’m not an expert on all things gay, so it’s also possible that he knows what’s good for him and isn’t trying to get down with a coworker, or maybe as you mentioned he doesn’t share my propensity for girls of an exotic flavor. More likely though, he’s a little confused as to who he wants to play hide the salami with. Or maybe not even confused, just not comfortable being open about it. I wouldn’t ask him about his potential gayness, because that could be kind of offensive whether he is or not. But now that I’ve opened your eyes (not an Asian joke, I swear) to the possibility, maybe observe and make your own conclusions.

Non-Platonic Kisses,

Head Pro


Dear Head Pro,

Love your shit, help me out. Precursory penile petting paragraph done.

Anyway, I recently went to a music showcase specifically to see this drummer/actor that I have had a huge celeb crush on for a few months. He’s not household name famous (yet) but he’s in movies on Netflix and has been to the Cannes festival 3 times. I went with the hopes of maybe getting a picture with him and having a quick chat and leaving it at an awesome meeting with a minor celebrity that I admire.  However, I apparently looked amazing that night and ended up getting invited back to the after party by one of his bandmates.

The after party consisted of only the bands that performed at the showcase and like 5 non-musicians. Basically, it wasn’t one of those huge groupie orgy things you normally hear about, but a very exclusive, chill sleepover. I ended up talking with the drummer all night, we bonded, stared into each other’s eyes, joked and whatnot. We ended up hooking up the next morning, only making out and groping each other furiously over our clothes since I try hard not to fuck bros (on the first night, at least). I asked for his number by classily reappropriating the lyrics of “Call Me Maybe” and he gave it to me and said to call him soon. The next day I texted him so he’d have my number and fb friended everyone I had met that night including him.

Now what I need guidance on is: how should I play this? As a betch, I don’t normally subscribe to rules like “wait three days” “don’t text after 1 am” or whatever. I call people when I want to and don’t feel shame, yolo. But, this pro is a celebrity pro and he’s on tour with his band, making him super busy. I don’t want to be a stage five clinger and/or that annoying girl who keeps texting. I haven’t done more than the text and fb friend request which as of this email he hasn’t responded to but it’s only been a couple of days. Should I “call him soon” or is the ball in his court?

What’s a girl to do?

I Won A Date With Tad Hamilton

Dear I Won a Date with Tad Hamilton,

Considering this is now the third time you’ve emailed me asking for advice, I figured I’d finally give you your shot. So you met up, hung out, and hooked up with a minor “celebrity”, and now you’re left with a phone number and a facebook invite sitting in limbo? Yes, this does indeed sound just like the plot to that movie with the guy who got duped into marrying Fergie’s fugly ass. Seriously though, is she a burn victim or something? She’s so ugly I almost feel bad making fun of her. And don’t give me that bullshit about her body being sick. Trannies have sick bodies too, but that doesn’t make me want to fuck them.

Anyway, I digress. I think the thing you need to do is remind yourself that this is just a guy you’re dealing with. Imagine if you took 10 random people from anywhere in the country and asked them if they’d heard of him, his band, or anything he’s been in. My guess would be no. He’s not a celebrity in any sense of the word, he’s just a guy whose job requires performing in front of people. So treat him as such. If you haven’t heard from him, I don’t give a fuck, text him again. It’s not like he’s rubbing elbows with George Clooney and joking about what a clingy loser you are.

What interests me more is why this is even a question. I mean sure, I’ve seen chicks on TV or movies that aren’t celebrities but I’d still like to fuck (Asian chick from the facebook movie: get at me), but if I had the chance to hang out and they didn’t respond to a text, I’d let it go. In fact, the fact that he wasn’t the one asking for your number should tell you that he probably doesn’t plan on trying to pursue anything. He’s on the road all the time trying to become actually famous, so I doubt keeping in contact with a random fan is a priority. And don’t be surprised by the afterparty not being some drug-fueled orgy. If you’re someone who’s always on the road dealing with crowds, a quiet night hanging out and having a genuine conversation with someone could be just what you need.

Also, and this is just a guess, but it’s entirely possible you blew it with the “Call me Maybe” thing. I mean, come on.


Head Pro


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