Ask a Pro

This week on Ask a Pro: Back to school, back to school, to prove to dad I’m not a fool. Also, a celebrity guest email.

H3@D PR0——

so i jave a qiestion. hpw unbetch-y is it to pynch thos SKAAAANKKLK in her uglaaay face who is purrr-rowllin' on meh boyfraadn? girl has t0 keep hwr paaawz down so i habe to teacj her a lesson riiiight?!?!?!?

meowmepw with kitty kisses,
betch wiyh neeedz

Dear Betch Wiyh Neeedz,

Ke$ha, is that you? Look babe, I told you we were through. I know we spent a magical 20 minutes on top of a pile of garbage in the alley behind that strip club, and yes the rash has cleared up nicely in case you were wondering. I’m honored that you selected me despite my predilection for personal hygiene and lack of a beard, but I prefer to remember that for what it was: the shards of glass stuck in your hair, and the way your smell was somehow distinct from the garbage. Keep me in your heart always, but please don’t email me again. The sense of loss is just too painful.

Never stop being you,
Head Pro


Dear Head Pro,

So I guess you could think of me as more of a betch-in-training than a full on betch since i'm seeking this advice, but basically my college orientation is in a few days and I have mixed feelings about the matter. While I'm ecstatic to go to college, party, and meet people (not branch out), I'm also a bit hesitant on how to portray myself. A few slutty months freshman year in hs and a naturally flirtatious personality left me with a four year reputation for being extra friendly (even when it wasn't true) and even though I generally could give a flying fuck what people think, I also don't want to party too hard week 1 and fuck up my reputation…again. So how do I manage to party and chill with guys without coming off as the Staten Island Ferry? Read: everyone rides it and it's always free.

Does it really count after 5 shots?

Dear Does it Really Count After 5 Shots,

First of all, don’t feel bad about emailing me for advice. The Head Betches ask me advice-type questions all the time, things like “When are you going to send us your column?”, or “What about this job makes you think we should pay you?” It comes with the territory. Thankfully, your question is a lot easier and much less related to my personal finances (which are substantial).
The easiest way to have a bad time at college is to put thought into how you “portray” yourself. You are who you are, and while that will change as you mature trying to conjure up some “image” for yourself is definition of trying too hard. Just look how well it’s working out for Lindz Lo. Seriously guys, stop saying all these mean things about me! The truth is way worse than you could ever know! If you’re not a huge skank, then all you really need to do is to keep not being one. I mean, how many people from your fucking highschool are following you to college? It’s not like your highschool haters are going to message all your new college friends on faceook to tell them what a slut they think you are. Probably.

It’s fine to have a flirty personality, and there’s a word for girls who give you shit for it: Fat. In fact, I can’t think of a better way to be the envy of the other betches on campus than to be the girl that every guy wants to fuck but no one can. Maybe if they spent more time not eating and less time worrying about how other girls acted they wouldn’t be so goddamned miserable.

Faux-slutty kisses,

Head Pro

To my dearest Head Pro,

I have found myself in a seemingly classic situation, yet cannot find a solution! So, I'm about to be a Senior in college, doin' my thing, lovin' my big state school, etc. I've always been the BSCB in the friend group with ridick stories about (Not) Fucking Bros and (not) face planting in heels Wednesday-Sunday. Anyway, here's my predicament…
I met this great guy at the beginning of the summer. We completely hit it off and have been hanging out all the time. He's Enrique Iglesias meets Andy from Weeds (yeah, he's a drug dealer) meets a physics nerd, all wrapped up into one cute guy who's obsessed with me. What started as a one-night-stand has turned into a full fledged relationship, and I find myself at the end of the summer debating what to do. He lives two hours away from school which may not seem far, but in college if you're not on campus you might as well not exist.

So, what is a girl to do? I have always thought that long distance relationships are stupid. Let alone the fact that I'm 21, hot, and it's my last year to not be a real adult, a serious relationship sounds like the ultimate bad choice. But I'm starting to fall for this guy and I'm not sure I can make a clean break. Should I grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly, pal! or should I throw my Jesus net into the abundance of gorg Chi-town men?
Torn between commitment and college

Dear Torn Between Commitment and College,

This may not be what you wanted to hear, but since you emailed me I think you already know the answer: Time to bail.

First of all, while I don’t doubt that you’re quite taken with the guy, it’s not like your relationship started through the most romantic of circumstances. I’m not saying a one-time trip to pound town can’t blossom, but I would take a good look at what exactly keeps the engine running. Summer flings usually happen out of convenience, because there usually aren’t as many people around and/or parties. Secondly, he’s a fucking drug dealer. Take a cue from a bro’s book, because we know to treat our drug dealer the same way we do our housekeeper: Thankful for their existence, but we wouldn’t be caught dead with them in public. There’s nothing more disgusting to a bro than going into someone’s house/apartment and seeing their drug dealer paraphernalia lying around. It just reeks of desperation and of money earned through any means other than inheritance. And also, weed.
The final nail in the coffin is the distance. Yes, two hours sounds pretty fucking far. Whether or not either of you continues to be willing to make that journey on a regular basis is up in the air, but I doubt it. Everything you said about being a senior in college was correct. I dated a girl for a lot of my senior year, and that was annoying enough. I couldn’t imagine being accountable to someone who lived two hours away. You can see where things go, but I think sooner or later you’ll do both of you a favor and cut the cord.

Long-distance kisses,
Head Pro.


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