Ask a Pro

Dearest HP,

A few months ago, I met this awesome pro who is so sweet to me and just my type — kind of a charming “bad boy” but from a good family and has a good career (and a 9-inch penis). He's completely enamored with me and is moving halfway across the country to be close to me. I do play it casual, but he is definitely my boyfriend at this point.

As perfect as it all sounds, there's a hitch — he's not cool with my best guy friend who he hasn't even met yet. My BGF is a definite pro (former All-American laxer at his prep school, trust fund/old money, tall/dark/handsome, etc) but we've always had a completely platonic relationship where we sit around, get high and watch Tosh.0. Boyfriend keeps saying he's “not comfortable” with me hanging out with BGF while he's still halfway across the country and has never met the dude. I keep telling him to trust me that nothing is going on atttttttt allllllllllllll, but he still says he's not comfortable and that I'm disrespecting him by continuing to hang out with him before they've had the chance to meet. Boyfriend has had issues with girls cheating on him in the past in situations like this, but I'm not like that. Honestly, he's the only person in this world I want to fuck. But BGF is a big part of my life too and one of the only friends I have who “gets” me. I care about him a lot — but again, not in that way.

HP, I don't even know what to think. Boyfriend is perfect except for this insecure shit. No matter what I say to him, he still has the same annoying attitude about it. He says he'll be okay once he gets to meet BGF, but seriously who the fuck even knows what will happen. Is this as huge of a red flag as my friends tell me it is, or is this behavior kosher? I know that if he had some attractive “best girl friend” I'd be a little skeptical. I need to figure this out before he completely relocates and changes his life to be with me.


Sorry I suck at making up cutesy alliterate nicknames

Dear Sorry I Suck (you asked for it),

First of all, please refrain from calling me “HP”. I’m not a manufacturer of shitty computers. Actually, I guess if I were to try to make a computer it would turn out pretty shitty because I have no idea how to do that, but that’s beside the point. Also, please tell me how you know his wang is exactly nine inches. Did you like, sit down and measure it together? Because that’s a little weird. I mean, like most men I include my penis measurements (length, girth, and displacement) on my resume, but I at least have the decency to not bother a woman with what is unquestionably a man’s job.

Your boyfriend is being an insecure pussy. I understand where he’s coming from, not being near you and having lived his whole life as a man so weak that girls can’t help but cheat on him with someone like me, but he’s an adult and he needs to man up. You were friends with this other guy before he got there, and whether or not he’s met him should have no bearing on the friendship. If anything, he ought to have to prove himself to your friend, since he’s known you longer and likely cares about you just as much as your boyfriend. Your friends were there before him, and they’ll be there after he’s gone. He needs to get that through his head. Welcome to the controlling behavior of an insecure boyfriend. Expect lots of other fun things like him wondering who you’re texting, who your new facebook friends are, etc.

If you want to smooth things out, you have to appeal to his rational brain. Telling him “nothing’s going on” is (obviously) doing jack shit. Be logical, and remind him of things like the fact that if you wanted to screw around with this guy, you’d probably just be dating him. Also, indulge him a little and acknowledge his fears. Tell him you understand why he’s uncomfortable and that you might feel the same way in his situation, but that it’s important to you to have close, trusted friends while he’s still miles away.

After that, call his mother and tell her to pop her titty out of his mouth so he can grow up.


Head Pro

Dear Head Pro,

I have been dating my current college boyfriend for 10 months and I'm struggling to comprehend slash utilize bedroom etiquette. We both lost our virginity to each other, which was nice in the beginning for me because I didn't have to pretend to be a knowledgeable vixen on all things sex.

But now that it's been a few months since we've been doing the deed, I'm starting to realize that my own sexual needs are rarely being fulfilled. I've come to enjoy giving him head, but now I think he has interpreted my enjoyment as justification for him not need to reciprocate via going down. And our sex is lackluster in the sense that it's standardly missionary and rarely gives me a happy ending.

I obvs understand different strategies for spicing things up, but my question is on the side of discussion. Basically, how do I channel my inner betch in order to get what I want in the bedroom? I don't know how to bring it up without sounding too demanding, like a huge whore, or really fucking awkward, but I also don't want to continue on this path of one-sided sex. Also, is it a bad sign to consider the #pregame to get my sexual desires out there….? I don't want to hurt his feelings and tell him he kind of sucks…. I just want him to use all the great potential he has. How do I stand up for my sexual needs and where are the lines drawn in what is acceptable to expect from my boyfriend?


Betch in the Bedroom: It's Time to Come

Dear BitBiTtC,

Because I have shitloads of journalistic integrity, I figured I’d do some research for this response. In order to learn more about this so-called “female orgasm” and oral sex, I went ahead and cued up an obscene (and possibly criminal) amount of lesbian pornography. I know, I know, the things I do for you girls. It’s my cross to bear. I concluded that the reason most men avoid going down on girls is because all that screaming you guys do is terrifying. Also, did you know girls can squirt upon orgasm? They can, and they will. They’ll squirt right into your stupid mouth and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Anyhow, if you insist upon subjecting your bf to banshee screaming squirty sex, there are some things you could try. One idea is to, I don’t know, ask him? How do you guys negotiate it when you go down on him? If you just up and do it good for you, but otherwise the same strategy ought to work in reverse. Make it playful, something alluding to the idea that if he wants his pole polished, he has to return the favor first. He might be nervous about it if he hasn’t done it, so reassure him that just the thought of him down there turns you on, and give him plenty of encouragement once he acquiesces. Also, you could try hopping into the classic 69 the next time you’re blowing him. I don’t think there’s much clearer a hint for a man than plopping your twat in his face.

Regarding the sex itself, if he refuses to initiate anything other than missionary maybe suggest watching some porn together and trying some new things out. Another thing to think about is introducing some toys into the mix. If you don’t feel comfortable buying a vibrator, I just looked and there are a shit ton on Hell, even an electric toothbrush would do the trick. As you learn how to incorporate the toys, new positions will become more apparent. The most important thing overall is communication. He can’t know what you want if you don’t show and/or tell him. Talking about your desires doesn’t make you a huge whore. It makes you sound like a girlfriend who wants to make sex the best it can possibly be for everyone involved. If having that conversation is too awkward, then you’re probably not right for each other.

If none of that helps, give him the address of the nearest Christian college and find someone to fuck who has a clue what he’s doing.

(clitoral) Kisses,

Head Pro


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