Ask A Pro

Dear Head Pro,

First off this is like, soo embarrassing because I've never had an issue like this before with a guy. I feel like such a nice girl emailing for help. Not to say I don't love your website, I die whenever I'm on it. But let’s skip right to how this all started: So I've been friends with this Pro for a long time. He's handsome, plays lacrosse, has a house in the hamptons, wants to become president one day, etc.etc. Obvi this guy seemed too good to be just friends with, and it was no surprise that eventually he started becoming that regular drunken booty call/hookup. It wasn't long before we started becoming fuck buddies too but something was totally off… and that was his ability to finish. And when I say it was off, I mean like it was OFF: the guy never came while we fucked. The first few times I chalked it up to his penis being too drunk, but after a few more times of it never happening for him I confronted him about it. Thats when he told me had never cum for a girl, like NEVER (and its not like this guy is a total nice guy or gay bff or something). He also swore it wasn't me because I'm the best he's ever had (who is he, drake?!) and that I'm the first girl that has made him almost cum. So I was obvi at first kinda thrilled by it, because he was basically like my own personal life sized vibrator. But then we started going on real dates, and when I started to have feelings for the guy I couldn't help but be suppppeeeerrr frustrated by the fact that it was so one sided. Lets get real, what betch doesn't LOVE those post coital compliments? So I wasn't feeling very satisfied myself. This guy's graduated already too and in a few months I'll be forced to go back to school while he moves far away to start his political career or some shit, which should be end of problem BUT he still wants a LDR and I honestly wouldn't mind one too. Ugh all this thinking about it makes my head hurt, so until you respond I'll be sipping gin n' tonics to cure the headache. Love ya pro!


I Came, I Saw, I SO Have Not Conquered.

Dear I Came, I Saw, I SO Have Not Conquered,

Well, at least somebody came (lol, an ejaculation joke). I want to first acknowledge your keen eye for referring to this as my website. The web needs more astute readers like you.

As to this guy’s bedroom issues, that’s a tough one. I know the betches have taken a pretty firm stance on dick malfunctions, but that’s because years of iced coffee enemas have chilled their hearts to nearly absolute zero. The truth is, for guys, penis problems are just as bad as body image issues for girls. That or like, being seen in public in sweat pants. It’s serious stuff.

There’s a big difference between what your pro has going on and plain vanilla whiskey dick, which I’m not embarrassed to say has prevented me from making a lot of poor choices and/or babies over the years. One is a physical effect of alcohol, and the other is (I’m guessing) mental. Either way, it has nothing to do with the girl we’re trying to share our genetic material with. Girls tend to take it personally, but trust me when I say that if everything’s working properly and you give us a hole to fuck, magical (and sticky) things will happen. If not, it’s our problem. Not yours.

Bottom line, this guy needs to swallow his pride and go see a fucking doctor. Bros hate the doctor, but I think I’d hate 20+ years of blue balls even more. It’s good that he’s open with you about the issue, so you shouldn’t feel uncomfortable bringing it up. Just let him know that you care about him and his enjoyment is just as important to you as yours is (even if that’s not true).

If he won’t or can’t get help, just say you’re breaking up with him because of the LDR, because that’s what’s going to happen anyway. LDRs never, ever work unless someone gives in and closes the distance. I’d rather masturbate with a fucking food processor than be in a LDR.

Keep stroking,

Head Pro

Dear Pro,

A couple of betches have referenced their numbers and a possible fear of said kill counts being too high.

So what is too high… What sort of cutoff yields automatic slut for bros? I'm a sophomore in college and trying to get my shit together aka stop fucking so many bros.


Possibly slutty betch

Dear Possibly Slutty Betch,

Points for referring to it as a “kill count”. Even though I did some hypothetical math a few weeks ago showing that a normal, not slutty girl could come out of college with a number higher than you’d think, I’m still getting emails asking about it. In terms of your actual number, let’s get something straight: How guys react to it is some subjective shit. There are plenty of guys who think that any number higher than zero is too many. There are others who are probably down for anything south of 100. It all depends on the guy and his attitudes towards sex. For me, I couldn’t tell you what my cutoff was, but I’d know it when I saw it. At least in theory, anyway.

I think the more important thing to keep in mind is that your number is a very abstract thing. Only you know what the actual value is. For everyone else, it’s speculation. If people think you went on a group trip to pound town with like 30 bros, then you may as well have because in this situation perception is reality. In College there was a girl we referred to as “The Fist” because some guy she hooked up with told people she was into that. It wasn’t true and in reality they only fooled around a bit, but throughout College everyone thought she was easy and some kind of sexual deviant. Similarly, there are probably a lot of raging whores out there that fly under the radar because they don’t draw unwanted attention. Sluttiness is more a function of your behavior and how you present yourself than how many knobs you’ve actually slobbed.

So ask yourself the question “Do I act like a slut?” Do you go out expressly looking for sex without much regard to who it’s with? Are you overly flirty or suggestive even when guys don’t return the sentiment? Are you easy to talk into bed rather than being selective and a challenge to pursue? These are things that make a girl seem slutty to guys and give her an artificially high number in their minds, regardless of how promiscuous she really is.

Remember, your number doesn’t fucking matter. It’s all in how you wear it.

Kisses (through a dental dam),

Head Pro


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