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Dear Head Pro,

I've been seeing aka doing this guy that I went to high school with. He was a senior when I was a sophomore, never made contact. Last summer we ran into a bar and spent the whole night/morning together, NOT PHYSICALLY. Just talking, I didn't think anything of him and then it hit me that there's clearly something there, his best friend even wanted to get us together since its an undeniable attraction and yet hes denying everything minus the physical part. Moving on, we have an agreement and I'm fine with it since neither of us want a relationship at this point in our lives. My issue is that he never hits me up for the so called “booty call” I'm the one who's always initiating it so I look like a horn-ball! Clearly he's interested if its still going down, is he not making the effort because there is something more between us and he's denying it since he's scared or because he knows he can have me as my friends have told me. They tell me to not bother and he will come to me, he isn't! I'm “booty calling” him! I'm worried that if I stop contacting him then he's just going to be like kbyethen! Thanks for the sleepovers! I normally wouldn't care but ITS THE BEST SEX EVER



Dear Horn-ball,

First of all, stop saying “horn-ball”. The fact that you call it that tells me you’re not ready for it. So you have an agreement where you guys get to bang but he doesn’t have to date you, and you’re fine with it, except you’re not fine with it because you’re bothering me about it. Excellent. Can we please stop, if just for a moment, pretending that girls (or anyone, really) keep putting up with this kind of bullshit just because the sex is so great? Yes, there is good sex and there’s not as good sex, but a porn star on West Virginia’s finest methamphetamines wouldn’t be enough to keep me coming back if she routinely treated me like shit.

No, you like him, and you want him to like you. That’s why you started fucking to begin with, why you agreed to a booty call arrangement, and why you lie to me and yourself by saying that the only reason you want him to text you first is so you don’t seem like a “horn-ball”. He doesn’t like you in that way. The fact that he fucks you has nothing to do with how he thinks of you as a human being. I took a lot of flak the other week for using the phrase “jizz receptacle”. That’s fine, but unlike those commenters I don’t live in a world where feminism succeeds by closing your eyes and wishing that people would stop saying mean things that you don’t like. I live in the real world, where like it or not people will treat you as badly as you allow them to, and yes some guys think of some girls as disposable objects. You can understand that and learn how to exploit it, or you can keep your eyes shut and hope that when you open them everyone will all of a sudden agree with you.

That was a long-winded way of saying that you are this guy’s jizz receptacle. He doesn’t text you because he neither wants to nor has to. Sorry.

Horn-Ball Kisses,

Head Pro

Dear Head Pro,

In an attempt to get over my ex by getting under someone else (it's been successful so far) I've found myself the ultimate friends-with-benefits: he's hot, athletic, has fun friends, and has a great job. While our weekend escapades have been fulfilling my needs, lately I feel like I've gotten some mixed signals from him.

When we're together he tells me he is into me, holds my hand, suggests breakfast in the mornings, encourages cuddling, etc. I have a blast with him and he's told me I'm one of the best he's ever had [Ed: I’m sure he has]. Here is where I'm confused, though: he only texts me on the weekends (usually after midnight when we're both already out). I realize he is just using me, but why does he waste his time taking me to breakfast in the mornings and doing shit for me if he is only using me for sex? LIke…don't tell me you “like me” if you're only gonna text me one night of the week.

Head Pro, use some of your wisdom and tell me what the fuck to do. Is he just doing this to keep me around? He's very affectionate when we're out with friends. I'm too nervous to confront him about “feelings” because I don't want to ruin our little arrangement, but I'm just confused as to how he feels about me.


Used betch

Dear Used Betch,

Good, more of this shit. What exactly is so confusing about him wanting to go out to breakfast? I fucking love breakfast, and usually I don’t want to eat alone if I’m going out. Eating breakfast with someone really only requires two things: that it be morning time, and another person is nearby and available to eat with you. If I bring a girl home and she stays the night, guess what? Saturday morning I have all the ingredients needed for a non-solo breakfast. Score. What I’m saying is, chill the fuck out about breakfast.

The real issue here, the “meat” if you will (maybe bacon, since we’re doing breakfast?), is that the first and last paragraphs of your email sound like they were written by two different people. In the first, you’re all “bla bla bla, I’m going to fuck away my emotions”, and in the last you’re nervous to talk to him about his feelings. What’s up with that? If you don’t want a relationship, then why do his feelings matter to you? If you think you might want a relationship and suspect he might too, what’s the harm in reciprocating? And remember, “like” can mean a lot of things. He may only like you enough to text you on the weekends, so technically he does “like” you, just maybe not as much as he likes other things. Like breakfast, for instance.

I think you know that, and I think that’s why you’re trying to bullshit me (and yourself) by saying you’re worried about “ruining your arrangement”. This is not an email from someone who doesn’t give a shit and just wants some NSA action. You are someone who wants the guy you’re fucking to step things up a notch because you’re getting some signs that he might be into you but he’s yet to convey that. Here’s a tip, for free: If you want more, make him ask for more. Don’t be so available for booty calls. If you don’t, I don’t see what the issue is. If you’re so put off by someone being kind and affectionate at least when he’s with you, you have more problems than I can solve.

Maple Syrup Kisses,

Head Pro


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