Ask a Pro

Dear Head Pro,

So this is something I've been freaking out about lately and no one seems to know the answer, so I figured I should get advice from a pro.

Two years ago, I started going out with my ex boyfriend. When we started getting serious, we had the conversation about our exes. After hearing about his ex girlfriend, I obv facebook stalked her. She was VERY weird. Like extremely ugly and really into saving the environment and all that shit. But I just figured she was really good in bed or something and didn't read too much into the fact that he'd gone out with her.

So I was with this guy for a year and then we broke up but were on and off for another year and now we're officially done. I've totally moved on and am doing my own thing but after finding out that he has a new girlfriend, I facebook stalked her because who wouldn't? I am not exaggerating a little bit when I say this girl is disgusting. It physically hurts me to see how much of a freak she is.

So my problem is what does this say about me? I am not even in the same category as his ex and current girlfriends so was going out with him just a huge mistake? Should I just wave it off, accept the fact that I was being stupid for dating someone so beneath me and try to forget about it? I knew I was out of his league when I started dating him, but now that I'm so aware of the girls he's capable of getting, I feel like such an idiot for ever being with him in the first place. So how poorly does this reflect on my part and what can I do to make sure this a) doesn't ruin my reputation and b) make sure this never happens again?

Out Of His League

Dear Out of His League,

A few things:
– You can’t be out of his league, because you dated him. I don’t care whether it was you getting called up to the majors or him, either way you’re in the same league now.
– My guess is that you’re an anomaly on his dating record because while he probably thinks you’re hot, he probably also thinks you’re kind of a shithead. I don’t know what you look like to comment on the first part, but I tend to agree with the latter.
– Maybe he dates these uggos because he’s the kind of guy who wipes his ass with organic, reusable maxi pads and wears Teva sandals, in which case that’s your bad for not knowing that about him after over a year of dating. Or, after realizing you’re actually just a bunch of locusts swarming around a human skull, he disregarded form in favor of substance.
– If you’re over him, you don’t facebook stalk his new squeeze. We’re all guilty of it from time to time, but it sounds like you’re putting way too much work into it.

I think it’s the fact that you’re more worried about what this says about you (rather than him) makes it clear that this guy thought long-term and decided he didn’t want to have kids with solid black eyes who grow hungry for virgin blood at the sight of a full moon. Obviously, we’re all conscious of the quality of people we date. If you want to avoid this kind of thing in the future, stop harvesting guys from the fucking Peace Corps.

Major League Kisses,

Head Pro

Dear Head Pro,

Okay, I apologize in advance because this is exhausting..

In my hometown my main core group of friends is me plus six guys. I drag along some of my girlfriends to pre-games/parties but who I hang out with mostly are the boys. The ringleader of this group of guys is my best friend, I will just label him B, we talk constantly and do everything together. When we get hammered we are usually all over each other/ have made out a handful of times when we were blacked out and always JUST SLEEP in the same bed/ cuddle in the morning. I loved this arrangement because I always had somewhere to sleep & free booze and I didn't have to worry about anything.

B recently became more aggressive while drunk, telling me he loves me numerous times, telling his ex that I am his GF so she will leave him alone and that was fine. Then the next morning he makes an obnoxious point of discussing in front of me/ the other guys what other girls he thought were “so hot” and who he wanted to hook up with. This was even fine with me, I didn't want to pursue anything with him and loved our relationship as it was, he can do whatever he wants and so could I. Until I started dating this super-hot older pro, with a way cooler beach house than B. I started pre-gaming with his friends/ staying at his house instead. I kept this on the DL from B because when someone brought up seeing me at the movies with the other Pro, B got all pissed.

I have been trying to split up weekend nights so I can spend one with B and one with my new guy. So now I feel as though I am cheating on my new Pro w/ B even though we don’t do anything and we are just touchy BFFs and B gets all pissed off when I tell him to back off when we are in public. I know B will flip if I tell him anything about the other guy and that I have been lying to him about where I have been staying the other weekend night.

I have no idea how to get B to chill out since we are not anything without losing my best friend. What do you got?


Tired of Caring

Dear Tired of Caring,

Well you’re right, that was exhausting. The problem is that you’re trying to hold on to something that’s long gone, and what you’re trying to make happen now isn’t sustainable. I get that for some girls, it’s nice to hang out with mostly guys, either because you’re ugly, have no social skills, are threatened by other girls, or whatever. But not only do you not sound like the most giving of friends (usually friends are more about “a place to sleep and free booze”), you can’t expect things to remain copasetic when you’re constantly drunk-flirting with the guy and forcing him to sleep with his boner against your ass the whole night.

When you started dating the other guy, your friend got jealous because until then he felt like he was the only guy in your life. Now, that’s not necessarily your problem, because if you want to date someone who’s not him, that’s your right. But what you can’t expect to remain the same is the nature of your relationship. This guy crossed the Rubicon, so to speak, by making it clear that he has feelings for you, so you’re going to have to knock it off with the cutesy, “I’m a WGG who soaks up the flirty attention from guys until I have a boyfriend” bullshit if you want this to continue. If you can find a way to integrate your boyfriend into your friend group or vice versa, then fine. If not, then he was never just your “BFF” to begin with.

Faux-Platonic Kisses,

Head Pro


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