Ask a Pro

Dear Head Pro,

I recently graduated and moved to a city across the country and was faced with meeting new people. Meeting new friends is exhausting and annoying on its own, let alone finding a steady hookup (a girl has needs). I’m also no longer in college so its not like I can meet cuties in class or anything and you know just as well as I do that finding a hookup at my place of employment is a no-no.

To my surprise, I met this one kid (at this point I am not going to call him a Pro – he is not) who lives two blocks from me, is pretty cute and is really good in bed. We've been hooking up for a couple of months now and its been pretty good until recently. He would text me a couple times during the week and sometimes on the weekends which is entirely ideal because I don't have the time or care to plan such things. I don't know if I am playing my role as casual hook up too well, or if this dude is pussing out on me. He's started getting antsy when I don't respond right away, has started expecting me to initiate the trysts, and has been alluding to going out to eat and hanging out (probably sober?). I’m getting pretty annoyed by his neediness and the suggestions. My situation is (or was at least) pretty ideal so I don't really want to fuck it up by being rude, but if he is having feelings for me, how can I stop it? We barely talk and I don't even know his favorite color.. so I couldn't have been any more distant. Like what does he even have to go on to like me? Could it be possible he is acting this way because he thinks thats how I want him to act? I feel like I’ve set up the ideal situation for this person and he is starting to ruin it. I hope you can give me some sort of advice because I can't be bothered with finding someone new.

A Girl Can Dream

Dear A Girl Can Dream,

Riddle me this: If you barely talk, why are you fucking him? I understand that you don’t want a relationship that requires any effort on your part, but as an adult spending a lot of time in bed with someone you barely know is a good way to wind up in his freezer while he wears your skin as a gimp suit with his next victim. Or maybe he’s not crazy, and is making attempts to hang out with you, but you’re just blowing him off. Oh, that’s what’s happening? Nevermind, stop the presses and alert the media, because I’ve found the next leader of Al Qaeda, and it’s an unassuming guy living down the street from one of my readers.

If you insist on not being in a relationship, either because you don’t like him or you just don’t want one, that’s fine and 100% up to you. I can’t imagine what a 22 yr old recent grad has going on that she’s “too busy” to occasionally send a text that asks if he wants to meet up later, but whatever. Either way, if this is the only guy you’ve been banging for months, don’t get bent out of shape when he starts showing more interest, because right now all you’re doing is being a bitch, not a betch. If you don’t like the way he’s acting, then grow a pair and politely tell him to slow his roll. Or, you could also maybe entertain the idea of going out on one of the dates he’s proposing. You never know, you may even find that you actually like the random guy you let explore your orifices on a regular basis.

Either that, or if you wanted to get rid of him you could just tell him that your uterus is made of wasps, which by the sound of things is probably true.

Anonymous Kisses,

Head Pro



Dear Head Pro,

I feel as though I have a problem many other betches face- long distance relationships.

Last year, my total pro of a boyfriend and I broke up when he went off to college – as many couples do. I talked to my ex often when he was at school, and we hooked up every time he came home. This summer, however, we were together yet again. Last month, he went off to school, and I started my senior year of high school. We never spoke about our status when he left again, and now we talk maybe once or twice a week and both hook up with other people as he, understandably, doesn't want to be tied down to someone while in college, and I would rather not have to worry about what he's doing halfway across the country. I know he is expecting to hook up every time he comes home, but giving in make me look completely pathetic although he tells me he still likes me and wants to be with me when he visits? Does he actually want to be with me when he's home, or does he just want a secure fuck buddy to come back to? Is this normal long distance behavior, or do I seem delusional for taking him back after giving him complete freedom in college?


Ivy (out of my) League

Dear Ivy (out of my) League,

The good news here is that you don’t have a LDR problem, because you’re not even in one! I bet he does want to be with you when he’s home, because being with you means having the sex and having the sex is great. Otherwise, this is not your boyfriend, long-distance or otherwise. When two people (foolishly) agree to date long-distance, the agreement is usually such that neither one of you will touch anyone else’s parts while you’re away. It almost always ends badly, but at least it’s doable for a while. I doubt you have even that though, and even if you did your prospects aren’t good.

What really damns things for you is that you’re two years behind him (which, by the way, holy statutory Batman). This kind of thing is salvageable when and only when one of you is matriculating to the same college the next year. Even then, college isn’t like high school, where you’re talking about a very small pool of eligible people to bang where everyone knows everybody. Once you get to college, there are literally thousands of new people just itching to explore the deepest, darkest limits of their sexuality. So for whoever gets there first, the new smorgasbord of genitalia is a lot more appealing than whoever they’re dating back at home. That’s why there’s the whole joke about back-home relationships not making it past Thanksgiving break – they usually don’t.

I’m sure he’s very fond of you, but for him going home just means having a sure thing to occupy him while he’s on break. If you can come to terms with that and don’t mind, then more power to you. Otherwise, if you’re holding out for anything more you’re setting yourself up for heartache until you go off to college yourself. Don’t be that girl who goes to college who’s still hungup on her high school boyfriend, because in that case you might as well go ahead and pref the fat sorority in all three spots.

Summer Loving Kisses,

Head Pro

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