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Dear Head Pro,

I’m a sophomore in college, and at the beginning of this year me and my friends became good friends with a group of guys. My main best friend was dating one of the guys, and they broke up. Long story short, my best friend and I had a falling out because she accused me of having a “thing” with her ex when I didn’t. I don’t talk to that girl anymore and it’s been rough but I still hang out with that group of guys and some of my girl friends. The falling out happened a few months ago.

I haven’t slept with any of the guys, we are all purely friends, up until now. My friend’s ex and I became decent friends, and then one night he asked me to his formal. I said no because that would’ve been messed up of me even if I don’t talk to that girl anymore and I was afraid it would be awkward. He wasn’t upset or anything, no hard feelings. Then the next week we were all out celebrating another one of my girl friend’s 21st and I blacked out and woke up in his (the girl’s ex boyfriend’s) bed.

We didn’t have sex but I still felt really guilty about it even though I’m not friends with that girl anymore, and I was hoping maybe that would be the end of the entire situation. That sounds shitty but I usually don’t take things like that very seriously and tried to just forget about it. But, last week, he got really drunk and told me he wants to date. I didn’t really think much of it, but the next day he brought it up to three of our mutual friends when he was blackout again.

Basically what I’m asking is, how do I tell him I don’t feel the same way without ruining our friendship or the other guys perception of me? He’s fun to hang out with but I’m not attracted to him, and that would be really fucked up of me to ever date him even though I’m not friends with the other girl anymore. I don’t want to be a bitch and just ignore him but at the same time I don’t want to lead him on. I know most of this is my fault but I’m still trying do the right thing.

Damage Control

Dear Damage Control,

Holy shit, you’ve got a sickness, and it’s called nice girl-itis. One thing I want to know is where did all of this fucking commotion even come from? You said you all met these guys at the beginning of this year, and it’s not even Decembetch yet. How long could they possibly have dated, two months? Three? Given that your former friend got her panties in a bunch over what sounds like nothing, it’s obvious that she’s crazy as hell. You know this, since you stopped being friends with her, but why do you give a shit about “wronging” her? Even with the implications associated with accompanying someone to formal, who cares? She’s not your friend anymore.

I also don’t get your issue with the guy in question. While it’s noble to want to let an overeager guyfriend down easily, if you’ve ever read this site before you know that your days as a platonic pair are numbered. A guy-girl friendship (usually) only goes on until one of you expresses feelings for the other. And what’s with “the other guys’ perception of you” bullshit? They hang out with you as it is, and none of them apparently try to fuck you. If anything, banging one of their bros would make things weirder. Trust me, not banging a guy will never make anyone think less of you. Except maybe that guy.

First things first, stop giving a shit what people think of you, especially these people who don’t matter. Second of all, if you don’t like the guy that way, tell him, politely but clearly. He’ll either get over it, or he won’t. Either way, it shouldn’t affect your relationship with the rest of them, and if it does, maybe find some friends who aren’t dudes. There’s a reason they don’t really exist.

Self-Conscious Kisses,

Head Pro

Dear Head Pro,

Hey babe, big fan. So this year my life went from Regina George to Kim K caliber. After working hard (lol ew dark time) I was accepted into one of the best programs at (arguably) the wildest party school in the country with a majority of all my best bros and besties from highschool. Despite the past couple months of seemingly never-ending showers of goose and molly, I’ve been unable to fully indulge in my new ideal life because of, shocker, a guy. This bro and I casually knew each other in highschool through my boyfriend who I broke up with in June. When my bf cheated on me G was the only friend of mine that sided with me and kept me company for the rest of the summer. Going to the same uni, we immediately started hooking up once we got there and I dunno how the fuck this happened, given that our frosh has been described as “a complete abandon of morals and sexual boundaries”, but we started dating and things have been going, dare I say, perfectly.

G is notorious for being the only bro you will ever meet who is simultaneously FTB yet genuinely decent and kind. However he is also simultaneous in that he is the best thing and worst thing in my life. I’m deep into some romeo and juliet shit here – he went to my high school’s enemy school – I casually know his friends and they like me but if I were ever to go clubbing/ chill with them I’d face merciless beefing from my friends. They like G, so long as I don’t ditch our plans to hang out with them for his friends whom they hate – between school and raving this leaves virtually no time, same sitch for him. When we don’t spend enough time together we both get frustrated and horny as fuck. He would never hang out with my friends and I don’t want to hang out with his. I see myself marrying this bro – what the fuck do I do?

Dear [no name],

Ah yes, young love. There’s nothing that says “together forever” quite like overpriced vodka, party drugs, and the naive belief that your freshman experience at a big generic state school is somehow different or better than anyone else’s. Listen, lots of people fall in love with someone their first semester freshman year. “I mean, I’ve never had such a connection with anyone. We can like, just stay up all night and talk about like really deep issues, and the sex is the best I’ve ever had even though I’ve only had sex with like one other guy. Also, we’re drunk all the time.” Nothing wrong with that, it’s part of growing up, but there’s like a zero percent chance of you marrying this guy. I do know a couple of my post-grad bros who will in all likelihood marry their freshman sweethearts, so it’s possible. Still, even though there’s no way for you to do so right now, try to keep some perspective as to the severity and uniqueness of your affair.

One reason I doubt the long-term prospects of your union is right in your email. His friends seem to like you, and you say your friends like him. That’s great! What’s more important, unfortunately, is that neither of you want to spend any time with the other person’s friends. Which, ps, if it has anything to do with you going to “rival high schools” everyone needs to pour themselves a tall glass of grow the fuck up. No one gives a shit where you went you went to high school once you graduate.

I promise you, the people someone hangs out with say a lot about that person. If you can’t stand each others’ friends, I don’t see how much you’re going to have holding you together once the remaining thread of post-breakup support finally snaps. College, particularly freshman year, is all about forming new social bonds and getting to know yourself on your own terms without parental direction. If your relationship prevents that from happening, it’s not fair for either of you.

There are a lot of guys at your big party school, plenty of whom aren’t ones you knew from highschool. If you’re having fun with the way things are right now, then carry on, but it sounds like you’re not. And during your freshman year of college, having fun is the name of the game. There’s no point throwing that away in an attempt to break the Guinness World Record for graduating early with your fucking “Mrs” degree.

Star-Crossed Kisses,

Head Pro


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