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Dear Head Pro,

Ok so this is a really simple question,

I've been hooking up with this bro for like my entire college career. We live in entirely different cities, like 4 hours away. He texted me last weekend at like 4 am and I decided to be a tease and responded in a semi betchy/slutty way. And he decided to drive drunk for 4 hours to see me. Does he love me/is obsessed with me or was he just THAT horny?


This betch is not a stop but a DESTINATION

Dear Destination,

Ok so this is a really simple answer: Neither. This guy is neither in love nor obsessed with you so much as he’s in love/obsessed with himself. That’s the only explanation for why someone would decide it’s a good idea to drive four hours while shitfaced. I’m not going to lie and say I’ve never driven drunk, because I have. Plenty of times. But I don’t do that anymore, mainly because I’m not poor and live in a desirable area but also because it’s fucking stupid. Every time you get behind the wheel of a car when you’re drunk you’re rolling the dice, so you have to be pretty high on yourself to assume that you’re somehow better at it than the last drunk fuckhead who wrapped himself around a telephone pole.

As if the four hour drunk odyssey wasn’t enough of an indication, drunk bros at 4am are not the most discerning animals. Hell, I bet if the hours of 3am – 5am didn’t exist, fat girls would go their whole lives without experiencing the pleasure of banging a bro. So don’t flatter yourself. I don’t care if he had some disease that could only be cured by your vagina; at 4am he would have banged the first girl that returned his his text message.

Also, learn to enter the right zipcode on OkCupid and stop fucking guys halfway across the state. You have a whole campus full of bros for that. Unless you go to an all-girls school, in which case congratulations, you’re a lesbian.

Road Kisses,

Head Pro

Dear Head Pro,

A few months ago, a co-worker I never was very close with took me out for drinks after work and confessed that he's had a crush on me for the past two years. Like any self-respecting betch, I knew that I was way out of his league and I wasn't trying to start something with anyone that I work with. But, he was extremely charming and made me laugh a lot and I actually ended up having a lot of fun that night. I told him that I just wanted to be friends, but he was confident and persistent and against my better judgement, we started hanging out more and more and eventually sleeping together on the regz. (Side note-the sex was amazing.) He was always way more into me that I was into him (wanting to hang out all the time, getting really jealous, sending triple texts etc.) and I was always straight-forward with him that I wasn't looking for anything serious. However, over the past few weeks, as much as I resisted,  I had to admit that I was actually developing feelings for this guy.

Basically, as soon as I admitted to myself that I liked him, he pulls a bait and switch and becomes a completely different person. A few days ago he started answering my texts with one word answers, and when I asked him if anything was wrong he said no. He started avoiding me and acting really distant at work and when I asked him about it, he said “I think we need to slow down a little bit.” I said okay, and tried to play it cool and forget about him but had some pathetic, unbetchy moments of weakness when I texted him telling him that I cared about him a lot, asking what I did wrong and if we could talk. Eww. He replied with “I'm having some problems in my life right now” but didn't elaborate. Normally, I'd just delete his number and never talk to him again but I have to interact with him at work everyday. He's super passive aggressive but then I catch him staring at me all the time and trying to make eye contact with me. WTF is going on? How am I supposed to get over this guy that I have to see in person five days a week? What could have happened to make him change his mind about me so quickly? Is it possible to go back to winning the game after I've gotten so far off track?

Please help! I just want to be over it and get some semblance of betchiness back.


Fucked Over from Fucking My Co-Worker

Dear Coworker Fucker,

Wow, what a novel idea. You hang out with someone regularly, start banging them, and then what’s that, you developed feelings for him? Huh, you don’t say. It’s interesting that you say “like any self-respecting betch” because that describes you pretty well: You may be like a self-respecting betch, but you sure as shit aren’t one. I’ve said it here a thousand times and I’ll say it again: Fucking a coworker is about the lamest, most ill thought-out thing you could possibly do. I get that you tried to do the right thing and that he was persistent. I get that maybe the batteries died in your vibrator and you were too lazy to walk to CVS to get new ones. But it’s really not that hard to stop for a minute, use your brain, and decide against making decisions that lead you into the situation you’re in now. Guy won’t take a hint? Here’s an idea, have you ever thought of telling him “no, but thank you” or “I don’t date coworkers”? I swear to God, instead of a real job I should just start charging companies to give assertiveness classes to their under-30 female employees.

As far as where things stand now, I have a feeling that the “problems in his life” have to do with you. Namely, he has a life, you are in it, and that’s a problem for him. Maybe he realized that nailing a coworker is cool for about ten minutes, or maybe he does in fact have some personal issues he’s dealing with. Either way, he doesn’t want you on-board for the ride. It sounds to me that he pushed too hard for things to get serious, and once he got what he asked for he didn’t want it anymore. That’s ok, that happens. The better you get to know someone, you’re just as likely to be into them less as you are to fall in love with them. That’s why, and I know this is a shocking concept, women usually make a point to get to know someone before they start fucking, because once you’re into someone emotionally the sex is just gravy. It could even involve gravy, if you’re into that.

I don’t think there’s much you can do to “regain your betchiness” because he doesn’t see you that way anymore. You’re not an object of pursuit, there’s no mystery as to what unlocks the secrets of your universe. You are, however, still his coworker. If you don’t want to come off as a pathetic shell of a human being, the best thing you can do is to be gracious. Acknowledge your moment of weakness. At least that will help humanize you and maybe help him respect you as a person. If you’re having trouble getting over him, just remind yourself of how awful this is right now, and how foolish he’d make you feel if people found out. Focusing on what was is pointless, so the best thing to do now is to focus on what you can control – your professional relationship. And also, the possibility of incorporating gravy into your next sexual experience.

Professional Kisses,

Head Pro


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