Ask A Pro

This week on Ask a Pro: It's a new year and time for new love (and boners), and you guys are taking some drastic measures to get it.

Season's Greetings, Head Pro. I hope your New Year's Eve plans are coming along nicely.

So, I have been fixed up by the friend of a friend, whom I like very much. Super sweet girl and she's always been cool to me. Though I don't like fix-ups unless I have already seen him in person or already know him through friends, I agreed because I really couldn't see a way out of it. Apparently he's my age, successful and a close friend of hers (i.e. not crazy).

Here's the issue: I decided to do some research ahead of our date (just a quick side note: for you girls who don't see a reason for doing this, it's probably because there is something wrong with you too) and I saw some photos of him. While I can't say he's unattractive (he's not), I certainly don't find him to be attractive at all. He is what you would call average. And I am not. In fact, I'm kind of annoyed that she thought he was good enough for me or that I would find him acceptable. Again he's not bad looking, but he's not good looking either. I even would be ok with him not being my type if at least he was a good looking guy.

I have no choice but to agree to go on the date because at this point no one knows that I know what he looks like (and I'm afraid it will make me look crazy if they do, even though it's totally not) so I can't really give that as a reason. I don't have another reason. So, after this date which I know will lead to nowhere (I'm cringing at the thought of him trying to kiss) what do I say which conveys “I don't see it going anywhere” without it reading like “YOU ARE SO NOT MY TYPE. BARF.”

You have got to be kidding me

Dear You Have got to be Kidding Me,

My NYE plans went off without a hitch in that I don’t really remember much of the evening. Thank you for thinking of me, though. But enough about me. What’s really in order here is a heaping helping of congratulations, because you’re going on your first ever date! Or at least you must be, from the sound of things. I don’t know how well you thought this through, but historically, a girl as hot as you claim to be doesn’t need a matchmaker to get a date unless she’s either a) lying, b) a terrible person or c) carrying around a hive of live bees in her purse. Which is it? you can tell me, it’ll be our secret.

Also, unless you’re living behind the iron curtain in Soviet Russia and a high-ranking member of the Politburo, you are not the only person you know with fucking internet access. Sorry James Bond, but no one would be surprised/offended by your clandestine photo snooping. That’s more or less standard operating procedure these days. If you’re so close with this friend, I don’t see the harm in telling her that the guy isn’t the flavor you’re looking for. Do that, and then allow her to make up an excuse. Something like “Sorry, her parents are in town this weekend” or “She got a last-minute call to go execute some Gulag inmates who bitched about waiting in line too long for toilet paper.” Also, don’t discount the notion that at this very moment, he himself is looking you up on facebook thinking “hmm, she’s hot, but she looks exactly like the type of girl who carries around live bees.”

Since you’re too chicken to back out of the date (where’s your Soviet resolve, comrade?), one option you have is to actually treat this poor Quasimodo-looking bastard as a real person, engaging him in conversation and potentially having a nice, albeit unromantic time. Alternatively, you can do what I do when a date isn’t going well, which is to wait until your suitor goes to the bathroom and then crudely smear “YOU ARE SO NOT MY TYPE. BARF.” on the tablecloth in your own feces. Works every time.

Glasnost Kisses,

Head Pro


Dear Head Pro,

I've recently moved to a new area and decided to try my luck on Before moving I had ended a long term relationship and thought I would give the online dating scene a chance. I didn't have expectations however was simply open to the possibilities.

I have dated a few guys that I met online. All started with emails back and forth, then texting and then dates. Some of the people I've met I have dated for a couple weeks and some only one date. What i am having trouble with is reading what their expectations are. my whole life i've always had this problem of making guys fall in love with me too fast, I know that sounds cocky, however its probably because I've dated guys that I guess I consider below me. Since I started dating on Match, I feel as if i'm striking out with all of the guys i've met, however I haven't met anyone that I really connected with so I haven't been that upset. Most recently I met someone who I actually really like. He lives a couple hours away however recently drove into my city and bought a hotel and took me out to dinner. I ended up sleeping with him in a drunken stupor and feel like i totally blew my chances.

We had been talking/texting for weeks before this and although he swears I”m the only person he's met on this site, I can't help but feel like i'm being naive. I regret having sex with him because I feel like the chase is over, and I don't know how to reverse any damage that i've done.  I have to keep reminding myself of how great I am and if he doesn't' like me its okay however I can't help but wonder is setting me up to feel bad about myself and how is there any way to re-spark his interests?

Thank you in advance

Dear _________,

Let me first tell you that you’re welcome in advance, since that’s apparently what we’re doing here. Secondly, good for you for recognizing online dating as the premier way to satisfy your dating needs without doing a lot of work. Lots of people around these parts (the Head Betches) will shit talk it as being lame or pathetic, but it’s fucking 2013. The 1930’s called, and they’d like their dating customs back. If I can file my taxes, do my banking, and go grocery shopping on the internet, I don’t see why I can’t find someone to fuck on it as well. Just because its virtual doesn’t mean the same age-old dynamics don’t still apply. Now I’ve never heard of making a girl feel worse, because in my experience the girls I met there got like 50 emails per day, which I think would improve their self esteem, not ruin it.

Speaking generally, there are two kinds of guys who sign up for online dating. The first (and biggest) group are losers who think that they’ll somehow have better luck online than they do in real life. As bad as these people are at conveying their fuck-worthiness in person, they’re even worse at doing it in writing. The other, sweeter group consists of guys who don’t have much trouble with the ladies to begin with and see online dating as a way of streamlining and expediting the process of getting laid, which it absolutely is. Even though he drove in from two hours away (lame), it sounds like the guy you banged belongs in the second category. I met a ton of girls when I was online, and even though there may have been nothing wrong with most of them, with so many options there was no point in pursuing anything short of a spectacular relationship.

If you want to have better luck with, it’s up to you to up your game. Choose pictures that represent what you really look like, even if they aren’t the absolute best. Being honest will make you feel better about yourself and avoid any unrealistic expectations. Also, write something meaningful and interesting in your profile. If you write the same “I like to travel and laugh with my friends” bullshit that every other girl writes, any guy who’s worth a shit is going to pass you by. Finally, don’t base your self worth on the quality of your dates. We’re talking about online dating, where any weirdo can misrepresent himself to have a shot with you. Have fun, go on lots of dates, and don’t take it too seriously.

Cyber Kisses,

Head Pro


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