Ask a Gay

Dear Gay,

While not doing work at our job, my BFF and I have been crushing hard on the foreign bro. I mean he's rich, British, and invited us over to crash at his place for drunk bonding. After hooking up with him, my betch bestie and I thought she had won the battle until the next weekend when we were all hot tubbing and this foreign hottie turned into the maybe gay bro and hooked up with me in front of her. Obvi we are confused (although not as confused as he seems to be) as what to do next. Which one of us is allowed to study abroad with him in the back office to avoid work?


Confused Coed Coworkers

Dear Confused Coed Coworkers,

You’ve got the classic gay or European question on your hands, except you already know he’s European, so that’s awkward. Assuming your Betch Bestie is hot, then you may be looking at a bisexual foreign bro. While not uncommon, they can be incredibly tricky. Like he could be looking to hook up with both of you either separately or together, and unless you’re down to have a threesome with your Betch Bestie (which is fine I guess), things may get complicated if both of you continue to make out with him in hot tubs and on top of copiers or whatever you do at an office job. You guys should approach him one on one because no one wants to be double teamed (except for lots of girls I knew in college).

We suggest you should be the one to make the first move because I mean if he’s into you, you can just tell your friend oh sorry he’s gay! Like even if he is bisexual and then fuck it, you’re in (literally). Like hopefully your friend will understand; it’s not her fault that gay guys like to make out with her. She should take it as a compliment. And while she has a nice boost in self esteem, you’ll have some foreign dick. Congrats! Just thank Jesus, Mary and Joseph that your British boy isn’t NEARLY as fucked up as the reader below.


The Gay Guys

Dear Gay,

Hey fellow betches, so I'm in a bind.  I'm not “technically” gay (everyone thinks I'm this straight fuck) but let me tell you I can give mean head…or so I'm told. Anyways, now I don't really have feelings for guys, I just like fuck the hell out of them. So this is my question, does that still make me gay? I could never see myself marrying a guy, or even being in a relationship. I'd just rather fuck a guy than a girl. I mean I guess I could possibly just be like in some super horny mode, but its been like this for why seems like ever….just wondering.

Thanks Homos ;)>

Hunky Betch

Dear Hunky Betch,

Sorry, I can’t believe you referred to yourself as Hunky Betch. Look at yourself. Look at your life choices. What the fuck are you doing?

First, please explain to us and everyone else what “technically” gay means. Does that mean like you’re gay but closeted? You don’t “technically” suck dick? And also, how does everyone think you’re a “straight fuck” when you go around having sex with only guys? We don’t think we can give you advice, like if you want to fuck guys, that’s fine, that’s great! But you’re clearly in extreme denial. It’s not like you’re experimenting anymore. You sound like you’re pretty much just fucking dudes left and right, and they’re surely hideous because no self-respecting gay would hook up with a known closet case. I mean, we wish you the best with your future desperate wife, and hope she doesn’t have to fake smile too much at the grocery store with your unfortunate looking children while she awkwardly waves in response to the disapproval of all the other housewives of the neighborhood. Or maybe you’ll become a Catholic priest or like a football coach because that seems to be en vogue at the moment, and join in some secret incestuous DaVinci Code ritual shit just so you can have sex with guys while maintaining your translucent “straight” exterior.

You’re basically like Anderson Cooper if Anderson Cooper displayed unwarranted cockiness and claimed that he was really into girls while he was banging his hot bartender boyfriend. So no you are NOTHING like Anderson Cooper. And back to your original question: “Am I gay?” Well, we want to be like obviously, but we’re ashamed to count you amongst the guys who like guys. So you can just make up your own special label and call yourself that. Don’t Care.


The Gay Guys


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