Hi everyone. Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Sgt. Olivia Betchson, and I’m dead inside. There is no greater evidence of this fact than
the graveyard of abandoned messages that is my Hinge inbox my reaction to any public displays of affection, which rivals that time I took too many extra-strength acetaminophen when I was hungover, because I had a splitting headache, and spent my Sunday evening face-first in my toilet. Did I casually almost overdose on Tylenol? Um, I guess (whoops). But I would still rather put my liver and general life at stake on a regular basis than look at shit like what Ariel Winter posted on Instagram over the weekend. Hold onto your pitch forks, because I have no issues with her outfit (this time). Ariel and her boyfriend celebrated their one-year anniversary on Instagram, and she did it in only the way a 19-year-old girl who’s dating a 30-year-old man could do: with a display of affection that tried both me and my gag reflex. Here it is, in all its glory.
Happy 1 year anniversary my love. I’m the luckiest girl in the entire world. Thank you for being the incredible man you are, and for making me the happiest I could’ve ever imagined. Here’s to many, many more. I love you. ❤️ P.S. your crazy butt is the only one who could ever make me agree to jumping off a cliff at a waterfall soooo yeah. I love you.
Ugh, I truly cannot stand seeing two people happy. It makes me ill. Wait a sec, am I dead inside, or am I just highly cynical, probably to my detriment? Fuck you guys, this isn’t about me. It’s about Ariel.
Okay, yeah, let’s talk about this. Yes, this is very sweet (*looks for nearest blunt object*) but part of me is like, okay, your ass is 19 years old—you don’t really know what love is. I sure as hell didn’t at that age. But before I go and mow my lawn while screaming at the youth to get off of it, I’ll move on to my next point. Who took the second picture?? Was there a third person on their romantic getaway? Does Ariel Winter have a professional Instagram photographer following her around? Honestly, that’s a good idea. BRB while I update my resume and tailor my cover letters.
Ariel’s boyfriend Levi posted the same pictures (plus another one Ariel didn’t post) and wrote the following: “I can’t believe it’s been a year. We’ve had adventures. Gotten dolled up countless times. And travelled through 3 continents together. I never imagined I’d be this happy. I love you more than anything! Happy anniversary Peanut Butter!!!!” And now I truly want nothing more than to know why Ariel Winter’s boyfriend calls her “Peanut Butter”. Is it a BoJack Horseman reference? Is this a Nurys from Are You The One? situation? Please advise.
Real talk, I’m happy for Ariel for finding somebody who loves her and all that
while I can’t even get a text back, but I just fucking hate when people do this. It doesn’t matter who you are: Ariel Winter, Kylie Jenner, girl from my sorority pledge class, my own parents, I don’t fucking care. Consider this a PSA: Nobody wants to see your lovey-dovey social media posts. I can promise you, nobody’s day is better for having your happy relationship shoved in their faces. If you’re going to post about your fulfilling and functional relationship, do it in an interesting way, à la Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds. That goes for all of you. Keep that shit off my timeline, for now and in perpetuity. (Also, we should all personally strive to be more like Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds in every way. Amen.)
But mazel tov to the happy couple. Really. I could not be more thrilled for y’all. Now if you need me, I’ll be internally screaming as my soul is disintegrated, and each molecule is placed on the surface of a different burning sun, and my essence is scooped out of my body with a flaming ladle and poured over hot diamonds. Namaste.