Alright y’all, three cocktails deep and I came straight home to do this recap so typing at a rapid pace is hard. Last week the best couple to ever grace AYTO, Cam and Mikala, were saved. Still waiting for the real reason they broke up like:
Tori: Poor Mike and Felicia. Bye Felicia.
Tori spending like, six weeks in a house with a girl and not even knowing her name is me at every party.
Cam’s telling Mikala to hold on a little bit longer over the track of someone laughing maniacally in the background. Devin, perhaps?
Cam: If we can make it here we can make it anywhere.
Uh, this ain’t New York. If you can make it here in this game you can make it running a few light errands in some large-ish English-speaking cities, but that’s about it.
Shandy’s talking to Cam like “Would you feel terrible if you dragged her through this and you both went home with nothing?” Like bitch, who wouldn’t? The point of this entire game is not to go home with nothing. Are you new?
Adam and Shanley (I just remembered her name fr but I honestly like her better as Shandy) go to talk. She’s like “I’m so proud of myself and how I’ve performed and you need to get your head in the game.” OK, High School Musical. This bitch is really going back from the beginning to be like “Who found the emoji week 1? Who lent you a pencil that one time in fourth grade math class?”
Shanley thinks that because she acknowledges on camera that she has a terrible attitude that absolves her of having a terrible attitude. She’s like every girl who says she’s “brutally honest” as a carte blanche to act like an asshole… not how it works, boo boo.
Karamo: To have any success as a perfect match, you and your partner have to be on the same page.
Ya Karamo WE HAVE BEEN FUCKING AWARE.
So for today’s mission they’re planning a beach party. TF is this shit, my sorority recruitment? They already filmed a skit, now they’re planning a party, what’s next? Making some Oreo truffles?
OK so this is basically the newlyweds game, but for party planning. That makes it SLIGHTLY more complicated but not really.
Cam: Idk this is nerve-wracking, we’ve never thrown a party before.
Yeah I’m worried about how I’m gonna pay rent this month, but tell me again how nervous you are planning a fucking party when all you have to do is choose between two options.
The first station is to choose between liquor or beer. For a party? Who tf would choose beer? That would be immediate grounds for dismissal tbh.
Cam chose beer for a party and Mikala chose cocktails.
Everyone: IDK where this liquor store is!
Shannon: *Reads signs in English* … got it!
Tori carries that bucket of liquor like a bawss. I legit love Tori. Tori, consider this your personal invitation to hang out with me in Astoria…assuming you’re not too good for Astoria anymore.
The entertainment is band or DJ? Da fuq? We planning a party or a fucking wedding in 1999? I’m sorry but like… MTV, wtf is this rn.
CAM PICKED BEER AND BAND. Remind me to never attend a party Cam’s throwing.
Devin is like “If we have a physical competition Rashida and I are gonna lose.” If that’s the case I fail to see how y’all thought signing up for an MTV challenge was a good idea.
What is with these lame-ass dudes thinking people want beer and bands at a party? No wonder these guys had to go on a dating show to find a girlfriend. It all makes sense now.
All right, you’ve convinced me. I’m putting in my application for Are You The One. See you on season 6! I’ll be the least attractive one who’s dead inside. It’s a mystery why I’m single, really.
And the winners are… Adam and Shanley. It’s like each week MTV goes “hmmm who could really use a W?” and then makes up a challenge on the spot that’s specifically tailored to that pair.
Damn how did Tori and Morgan end up in almost last place? Like, I know how because I’ve been watching it, but damn. The tides have turned.
It’s a little pathetic to see Rashida apologize to Devin for being an asshole when Devin was clearly the one being a douche… like I feel like Devin could murder someone and be like “I’m so sorry for killing that person” and Rashida would be like “I’M sorry for killing that person!! OMG see we’re like the same!!!”
Mikala getting side-tracked at the final stage of this mission because she saw a dog is me af.
Holy shit, Tori and Morgan lose. Ugh this is extremely upsetting. They lost 50% of our bank and I bet Morgan is regretting not stealing two weeks ago like never before.
“I should be drinking water, but I guess I’m gonna drink some booze” — Morgan and also me
Adam: *Wins one challenge* Shanley and I are easily the best competitors in the house.
Cam and Mikala are talking and Mikala is like “the thought’s always there that I’ll steal” like… maybe not the best thing to say right to your partner when the whole game is based off not stealing.
BACK AT THE HOUSE
Everyone’s joking about the size of Adam’s dick and he’s like “LOL yeah my dick is totally the size of a water bottle” and Shanley is like “LIAR!”
Adam: How is my penis starting all this drama when I’m not even putting it into anyone?
Shanley: I just heard you talk yourself up and I told you to prove it and you wouldn’t.
So like, Shanley is LITERALLY mad that Adam didn’t show her his penis. The solution to all your problems is so simple: SHE WANTS THE D! Adam, how can you be so blind!
Not sure how much booze Shanley has drank but she’s like “Send me tf home. I don’t even fucking care.”
Morgan: I am just kinda dead inside at this moment.
Same tho. Welcome to team dead inside! I am the captain but you can easily join our ranks.
Tori is drunkenly rubbing Morgan’s back and talking about her feelings. Like… I’m slightly uncomfortable rn.
Morgan: Will you watch me sleep for a while?
Devin is trying to tell Morgan to vote him in to the choice because he’ll steal. He’s like “I’ve never lied before, why would I lie now?” I’m sorry, when has Devin not lied?
Meanwhile, Mikala is like “put me in, coach” to Tori.
MORGAN CAME THROUGH WITH THE TUX. Brb, gotta change my underwear. JK y’all know I only have eyes for Derrick (RIP).
I’m gonna be so sad if Morgan and Tori go home. Why couldn’t this week be the blind trust? Can this be like a Project Runway situation, where they decide to send all final four teams to Fashion Week?
And the couple going into the choice is… Cam and Mikala.
Devin’s like “damn I had a speech and everything.”
Rashida: Oh so you just wanna steal my money.
Devin: I mean that would be classic Devin… but I would never do that.
See like if it were me I’d just be like “I’m gonna hit steal, if you hit share I’ll split the money with you.” Shit, I gotta stop revealing all my secrets in these recaps or they’ll never pick me for the show.
Cam: I feel like I’ve been a piece of shit for a couple weeks but from here on out I’m gonna put you as number one.
Mikala: You’re still my best friend and I’ll do this for as long as you wanna do it.
Blah blah blah oh this is lame now. Where’s the suspense? They’re obviously both gonna share.
And the choices are….
YASSSSS ANOTHER BLIND CHOICE!!! Ahhh WHO CALLED IT! WHO THE FUCK CALLED IT!
Don’t mind me, I’m just over here like:
Everyone else is like:
Mikala is like “Fuck I guess we’re really still in this then.”
Can’t wait for the final, it’s gonna be
lit moderately challenging.