They all are so excited about the fact that they’ve a) gotten 6 beams and b) gotten Bagel out of the house. Let’s be real, her RBF was really stressing people out. I would like to say, any episode without Prosper is one too many and you will be missed.
Asaf goes to talk to Gio and is like “you are a nice person, NOT!” and tells him that he actually offended some people and should I apologize. Asaf is like, kinda making sense. Wow, ten episodes has really changed you. It’s like I don’t even know you anymore!
Asaf is like “just when I’m feeling down, I look at Tyler”, which actually made me laugh. Maybe Tyler is more relevant than I thought. Maybe he’s just the giant joke of the house.
Gio comes to talk to Kaylen and is acting like a normal person, with like 2 eyes and stuff. He’s like “we had a lot of good times within those, what, 3 weeks we were cordial?” He tells her that he would rather be friends than enemies. And his guidance counselor taught him to channel all his rage into sports because the lacrosse girls weren’t afraid of him, and there is now peace in girl world.
GIO: I’m so mature
ALSO GIO: HEY WHO WANTS TO FUCKING RAP BATTLE???
The team decides to trust the smartest person in the house, Tori, the same girl who let Asaf lick her ass, with the strategy. She whips out some fruit loops, pretends they are matches and deducts that Kaylen and Asaf must be a match.
Franny and Asaf are about to protest and John’s like “look, just because you like each other doesn’t mean you’re a match!!!” Wow, simmer down there Piggly Wiggly. Why don’t you go out back and think of all the things that calm you down—like beef jerky, the confederate flag and girls with fake tits and daddy issues?
He’s like “Julia left me when she found out I wasn’t her match!!!” Well see, there are a few things wrong with this statement. She didn’t leave you because you were never together, and if she did, it was because she uh, didn’t like you. Hey, don’t shoot the messenger buddy!
This game is really simple because MTV is sick of wasting energy on this shit. It’s basically a game of pegs.
The girls drop a ball into the slot with a guy’s name and then they can go on a date with that person. They need two balls in one slot to win. Please don’t try that at home.
Julia wins a date with Cam and Nicegirl Nicole wins one with John.
Victoria starts crying because she has a lot of feelings, okay?! Stephen’s like “John and Victoria are a match because they both suck!” You and Julia would know.
Kaylen is talking to Asaf about how he can be her match and Asaf is still caught up on this “feelings” mumbo jumbo.
He’s like “I like Franny!” and then Franny’s like “I don’t believe in underwear” and he’s like “ACTUALLY I LOVE YOU FRANNY.” Doesn’t believe in underwear….*rolls eyes, sips wine* whore.
MTV takes the group out mountain biking, which is weird because they just took them ocean biking last week. I think there is a reason MTV is doing extreme sports rather than a dinner date and it might be because the camera is starting to add 10 pounds.
ME: I don’t criticize you and if you’re worried about criticism, sometimes a diet is the best defense.
Julia can’t ride a bike because apparently she was never 5 years old and John’s like, praying to god that she breaks her arm. Not a fan of Julia, but come on John, have some class.
Cam and Julia are talking about how they could be a match but like aren’t sure—aka the whole premise of this entire show. They’re like eating grapes and giggling, while Nicole is developing the quickest escape route in her mind.
John’s throwing a tantrum and being a dick about literally everything. A fucking squirrel could run by and he’d be like “FUCK THAT SQUIRELL! With its stupid nuts and shit! I hope that squirrel breaks a little fucking leg.”
NICEGIRL NICOLE: I wish we could all just bake a cake from rainbows and—
JOHN: Shut your fucking mouth
John’s like VICTORIA COMPLAINS ALL THE TIME and then continues to complain. Honestly, I’m like way disappointed in John. I had so much faith that you weren’t so suck. I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU, WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU!!!
Nicegirl Nicole leaves and crashes Cam/Julia’s date.
Nicole crashing Julia and Cam’s date is all of us #AYTOFinale
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) August 16, 2016
Of course, instead of consoling her friend, Julia’s like “I’m going to make this whole thing about me!” and goes to talk to John. She’s like “hey John” and he’s like “I hate you.”
She comes to extend and olive branch and he’s like, eh why don’t you take that branch and shove it right up your bleached asshole? She’s crying now, and John’s like DEUCES BITCH.
THE FINAL TRUTH BOOTH
Everyone has been voting for Julia and Cam because it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that Nicegirl and John are like, the least compatible people in the fucking world. Julia and Cam get picked for the truth booth.
And wouldn’t you know it—THEY ARE A PERFECT MATCH!
Everyone is happy, except Victoria, of course. What would happiness be without Victoria fucking hating it?
They are talking about how Vic and John are probably a match and Victoria was like “I asked for someone smart.” Okay, funny but low blow. John is then like “yeah I asked for someone skinny.” OKAY, still kinda funny, but like super low blow.
Victoria is crying and John’s like “what? What did I do?” SEE THIS IS WHY PEOPLE DON’T THINK YOU’RE SMART. John finally comes to his senses and is like I need to apologize and by apologize, he means tell Victoria that she’s hot. Tomato, tomatoe.
Victoria loves compliments so she’s like “omg you’re forgiven!!” and they connect over the fact that they got played by Cam and Julia and that they both hate everyone/everything. When is the wedding?
Everyone is going crazy and dancing because in a few days they’ll be free of this shit hole. John and Victoria start aggressively making out and like, everyone can vouch for me when I say I CALLED THAT.
THE FINAL MATCHUP CEREMONY
It’s here. The moment we’ve been waiting for. The day where we see if these losers are like, actual losers or just fucking useless.
Morgan is up first and is dressed in a suit, like the Lego James Bond that he is. He, of course, picks Tori.
John’s up next and apologizes to Nicegirl Nicole, for like, not being NiceBoy John. He picks Victoria, obviously.
Tyler picks Camille, because they both are “hilarious”. Yeah, sure, whatever you say.
Asaf is next. Asaf is wondering—should he pick with his heart/dick or strategy? Asaf is like “the house is playing math with fingers and they could make mistakes!” Um, how many fingers do you guys have? Are there really that many mistakes to make?
ASAF: I like math because it’s the same in every country.
DAMIEN: That’s deep.
Everyone is like omg the foreign kid is going to fuck this up!
EVERYONE: But Fez/Asaf, follow the strategy!
ASAF/FEZ: Good day sir
ASAF/FEZ: I said good day!
He picks Kaylen because he’s a “team player.” That’s a funny way of saying “broke AF and desperate to win money.”
Stephen picks Nicegirl Nicole, who is like “oh good golly gosh! This is so exciting!” They both are like idk if this is a match. Well not with that attitude….
This leaves Franny and Gio, the two idiots that could. I see real potential for you both.
Now, the stress comes. Franny compares waiting for the beams to waiting for the results of a pregnancy test, and it’s like a) so this is clearly not your first rodeo with that and b) I’m going say “you’re fucking wrong for 5,000, Alex.”
Maybe if you wore some underwear you wouldn’t have that experience. Just sayin.
They get back up to 6 beams. Then 7. Then 8. Holy shit, they just need one more and THEY GET IT!
THE WIN! THEY AREN’T FULL FLEDGED LOSERS, JUST MODERATE ONES! WOW PRAISE BE.
Well, that’s it. Another fucking moronic season of Are You The One? has come and gone. I feel like I should be playing “Graduation (Friends Forever)” right now. Congrats to the cast who actually proved to have a little more IQ points than we gave them credit for and managed to suffer through a whole season of knowingly being cyberbullied by me every Tuesday.
Don’t spend all your money in one place (unless it’s a barber, then John, by all means, blow some cash there) and hopefully you’ve enjoyed being shit-talked as much as I enjoyed shit-talking. Doubtful, but I don’t really care about your feelings so whatevs. PEACE BITCHES.