Jambo! Well, it’s finally here. The day my liver had been counting down to—the last week of Are You The One?—the show that gives average looking stars an unlikely chance at love, very moderate insta-fame and the guarantee of never, ever getting a full time job.
It’s been a bumpy-ass ride this season, filled with overly sensitive grown-ass men and lots of references to astrology/third eyes/other Madam Zeroni shit. I for one am so happy to get this load of crap over with.
Let’s begin where we left off last week—the fucking blackout, which seems to be the cast’s favorite word—they do it when they fuck someone (Cam) and when they have a shit ton of money on the line.
So everyone is basically freaking the fuck out at this point. Asaf has left the building speaking everything but English, Victoria is literally yelling at a frequency that only dogs can hear, Julia’s now realizing she has no reason to like Stephen anymore and Mikala is like “YOU HAD ONE JOB.”
It’s a mess, to which I say:
Franny and Victoria are like “fuck, what if we don’t win?” Like this thought has just now occurred to them. Victoria’s like “what if we come back with no money, no boyfriend and 20 pounds heavier!!!” Is Janis Ian running this whole show?
This is the inspiration of this show/takedown:
Franny is like “we just lost $250,000!!!! Wait, what is a million minus $250,000? Is butter a carb?”
Julia starts crying and while Stephen tells her that they’ll stay together but like find other matches. Psh whatever. Fucking spare me. If these two last longer than 6 minutes of the plane from Maui, I will be legit shocked.
This week, it’s boys vs. girls in a battle of the brains. Fuck, this is going to be painful *sips wine*.
Ryan will ask a true or false question, whoever gets it right gets a game piece. If they get it wrong, the other team gets a game piece. The pieces have to be stacked 4 in row and all have pictures on the other side. The two pictures on the ends of the connect 4 will show the two people who get to go on dates.
Julia is like THE WOMEN ARE SMARTER!! and Francesca is still counting out how much money they will win on her fingers.
The questions are pretty basic dating questions, but of course everyone struggles with them because this is a show for people who can barely tie their damn shoes, let alone figure out the world of dating.
The boys get the first two pieces, and the girls get 2 as well. The girls end up getting another piece because Gio is a fucking moron. The girls need to win this game because if Paulette taught us anything it’s that men are big fat retards and she’s taking the dog, dumbass! (Sam, I know you know that quote!)
Victoria proves she is actually worthy of going to the law school she is attending and gets the question right, winning the game for the girls.
THE WORLD TO VICTORIA: Law school is for people who are boring and ugly and serious. And you, button, are none of those things.
Bagel and Franny win and pick Prosper and Asaf, respectively. So okay, those are two strong couples. Way to not completely fuck this shit up.
Asaf is telling Franny about their future son’s name and she’s still like “$800,379…$800,378.” Someone get this bitch a calculator.
Tori’s like “who are we voting into the truth booth?” Cam’s like “Prosper is the only guy who makes Bagel less of an intolerable bitch!” And Bagel is like, eh, fair enough.
Kaylen still believes that Franny and Gio are a match because she’s a “little girl”. Whatever the fuck that means. Either way, I agree with them—Franny and Asaf are def not a match.
Kaylen and Tyler are getting fucked up off wine. Honestly, same. Kaylen wants to give Tyler a chance because the clock is ticking and she’s trying to win some fucking money, duh. They literally have zero chemistry, but like who needs that in a game based on love, right?
Gio challenges Tori to a rap battle and she’s like lol okay. Gio starts with some angry poetry, gaining inspiration from the hacky-sack spoken word poem from “She’s All That” and “mom’s spaghetti.”
GIO: All you sucker MC’s ain’t got nothing on me, from my looks to my words you can’t touch Kevin G
Gio references Twilight in his rap and Prosper’s over there just like #StopWhitePeople2016. It’s a trainwreck from Gio. But hey, if being homeless doesn’t work out, you can always audition for season 35 of Wildin’ Out with Nick Cannon.
Tori’s up next and gets all the girls involved—basically calling him a pussy and saying he’s crying out of his third eye. Everyone agrees, Gio just got his ass whooped by a white girl and he immediately throws a fit of rage.
Gio’s like “WOW HOW DARE THEY!!! THEY KICK ME WHILE I’M DOWN!!!!” First of all, welcome to my recaps. I literally get paid to kick you while you’re down. Also you can dish it but you can’t take it? Boy, bye.
Gio starts punching shit and Francesca is defending him. She’s like “the other girls are so mean!” It’s very clear to me Franny was never in a sorority because trust me, this shit looks like a playground fight compared to that shit.
Gio’s just like bleeding and ranting more than a girl on her period while Kaylen is like “he fucked me, so fuck him!” Honey no, the saying is “he fucked me, so I’ll fuck his friends.” You’re welcome.
The group goes on water bikes, which sounds like my fucking nightmare. Bagel’s immediately like “hey this is my fucking nightmare” and Prosper’s dick is so hard listening to her whine like that.
Franny and Asaf are talking and she’s like “Remember when you friendzoned me and then I had no self-respect and fucked you while you were with another girl? Ugh you’re so lucky.” Asaf has little greencards in his eyes and is like “YOU’RE RIGHT, MAYBE I NEED SOMEONE LIKE YOU.”
Julia and Stephen are still the stars of this show (why?) and Ryan’s like “so are you going to try and branch out and see other people?” and they’re like “it’s gonna be a no from me.” Everyone either is rolling their eyes or fighting the urge to punch them both in the face. John is doing both.
Nicegirl Nicole is like “Stephen can’t you get to know other people…like me? *whispers* I love you.” Stephen is flips his glasses down and is like, deal with it.
The group sends Emma and Prosper into the truth booth, while Asaf and Franny are like DAFAQ???
ASAF: I very sad
Prosper is hoping he’s a match with Bagel because he has the most fun with her. And Bagel’s like AND HE RESPECTS ME. Okay captain feminism, I’m gonna need you to chill the fuck out for a second. Prosper’s like, yeah, sure okay.
Everyone agrees, they REALLY need this TB to work out. Because they have really low morale rn and there simply isn’t enough alcohol to drink away the hurt of losing this game.
But hey, BAGEL AND PROSPER ARE A MATCH. WOW, INCREDIBLE. What a time to be alive. Bagel has finally gone over to the dark side. Next match ceremony, she’s going to have to be wheeled into the building.
Bagel and Prosper are arguing after taking about 3 steps outside of the truth booth. Well you had a good run, kids. This has a 0% chance of lasting.
They pop cheap Champagne because this is MTV, not Bravo. Tyler’s talking about how he isn’t into any of these bitches and it’s like, lol none of these bitches are into you either, so you’re good.
However, Kaylen comes in like Ace Ventura and is like REEE-REEEE-REEEEALLLY?! She starts confronting Tyler who is like, still so irrelevant, and Prosper is like “he’s drunk, leave him alone.”
She’s like “Prosper, you’re not God!” which has nothing to do with anything. Like when did God/Morgan Freeman come into this? And Prosper’s like “I know I’m not God bitch, I’m Prosper.” LOL, which is like, a close second, amiright?
Kaylen’s like “did you just call me a bitch?” and they start getting into each other’s faces, while Bagel’s tightening her chastity belt in the corner.
Then Gio decides to join in on the most aggressive possible threesome ever. Prosper’s like wooooah, Gio you need to calm down and Gio’s like BETTER NOT. Prosper throws Gio to the side, basically trying to get him to stop trying to beat up a woman.
Kaylen is screaming and Nicegirl Nicole is holding her back and sobbing. Camille is sobbing. Bagel’s emotionless, but I assume crying on the inside. It’s a fucking mess. Much like a drama-fueled phoenix, I have become reborn in this moment of chaos.
Later on, the team is talking strategy and telling Franny that she’s probably Gio’s match. Franny, per usual, is very confused. Bless her stupid little soul.
Tori thinks they can win it all tonight and it’s like, LOL I remember my first reality show. Dream big, you wannabe Iggy.
We return to the place that anally fucked the cast last week: the matchup ceremony. I’ve refilled my glass and I am ready to fucking gooooo.
Camille picks Tyler because they “could be besties” which is like saying that Cam “could become an Olympic gymnast.” A for effort though.
John and Victoria pick each other because they hate everyone else and “don’t give a fuck.” I’m rooting for you two crazy kids.
Kaylen is wearing a bralette and a fucking sweatshirt to the match ceremony, which should honestly upset the cast way more than that stupid fight.
Kaylen’s like “I got shit to say!” and I’m like FUCK YA YOU DO. I’m bracing myself for WWIII or like, WrestleMania (that was for you, Brandon Dassey). But instead, Kaylen apologizes. The fuck is this?
ME: *sadly drinks wine*
She says sorry to Prosper, who apologies as well, secretly hoping that Bagel will now allow him into her secret garden. Kaylen also apologies to Gio and says she needs to work on “her anger, ego and pride.” So basically everything about her. I have love for Kaylen though (please don’t kill me).
Gio’s like “k.” and Ryan’s like hooooooly shit, you are just the worst. Gio has nothing to be sorry for apparently. Gio is like “my actions speak loud” and everyone is like YEAH WE KNOW. THAT’S THE PROBLEM YOU IDIOTIC BUMFUCK.
Kaylen picks Stephen which is like, not a thing. Ever.
Nicegirl Nicole picks Cam, which could be a match. Though, Nicegirl looks like she fucking reads nursery rhymes to pet chickens and is a member of PETA, while Cam probably has “NRA” tattooed on his heart.
Julia picks Morgan, the Donald Trump poster boy.
Franny picks Gio, because everyone tells her to and her brain can only do some many things at once.
That leaves Tori with Asaf, who has already proven not to be her match, thank fuck for that. AKA it’s a guaranteed no win. Hate to say I told you so, but….
At least they don’t get a blackout this time. That’s like, promising. They get 6 beams, with one week left. Now onto hour #2. Fuck me, right?