Wooohoo, we’re back. Last week was a fresh and raging shitstorm and I gotta say, I was really looking forward to this week and holy shit did it not disappoint. I’m sure cast members took a long, collective groan when they saw this episode and remembered that bitchy girl on the internet is going to destroy them the next day in the recap.
So let’s give the people what they want, shall we?
They all are like, “FUCK WE SUCK AT THIS” after getting 4 beams, 4 weeks in a goddam row. Prosper suggests a good old fashioned orgy, because he’s a thinker! They all just need to have sex more—that’s clearly what they’re missing.
PROSPER: There was a moment last night, when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesmen, where I thought, “Wow, I could really spend the rest of my life with this woman”.
Gio’s like “hey Prosper, thanks for having my back when I acted like a psycho on TV back there” and Prosper is like “I’d really like to be excluded from this narrative.”
Gio’s like “I tried to fight Stephen because of principle” and is like “if I let one person do it, everyone will.” Gio is like an anamorph with some of the shit he says. Everytime he says something that sounds so fucking stupid you want to shove your head into a blender, he morphs further and further into his final form: Donald Trump.
Julia’s like “I know I should be sad that everyone is fighting over me, but like, I’m so happy.” It’s not her fault she’s so popular!! Meanwhile Stephen is like “LOVE ME PLEASE” and is crying in the confessional. Jesus Christ—it’s looking like a tequila kind of night.
Everyone is like “they haven’t even kissed yet!!!” which is low-key embarrassing. It’s one thing to be pussy whipped when you are, shall we say, getting said pussy.
Julia’s like “KISSING IS HUGE—it’s more important than sex!!” Well, one can lead to a child and the other can’t, so let’s just go with that’s wrong—though there are a million Mormon mothers out there who agree with you. Seriously, I had a more intimate relationship in 6th grade.
MORMON MOMS EVERYWHERE: Honey you can only watch MTV if it’s to watch that nice girl with the overbite who is ABSTAINING. Now come on, get your helmet on and go sell the word of God!
Kaylen and John learn they have a lot in common—mostly just that they can’t stand their parents. Thrilling stuff really. I like them both so I wouldn’t be mad, just more confused. Yes, very confused.
YES, best part of the season: the dude’s exes are here. The girls are so pumped and the guys are trying to find the tallest building to jump off.
The exes come out and they are disappointing to say the least. Def bottom tier sorority status. But hey, y’all got a free trip to Maui so like, good job. Congrats on dating losers, I guess it worked out in the end.
Tyler’s like “my ex threw a box of wine at my head”, which is a little embarrassing for several reasons. First of all, you just admitted you’re poor. I haven’t drank boxed wine since I was 19 in a frat house (aka Morgan’s mothership). And for maximum damage, you should always throw a bottle. And this has been another episode of: teaching someone very obvious things!
The dudes pair with their exes and they get asked questions—whoever answers the most similarly gets a point. Propser doesn’t have an ex because his longest relationship was three weeks LOLLLLL. He basically has to sit it out because he ghosts too much. I’m weak.
Question 1: Does your ex still think you’re a good catch?
Gio’s ex is like, NAH. He’s immature and Kaylen’s like OMG BESTIES. He’s also fucking crazy, don’t forget that y’all. John, Asaf, Stephen and Cam get it right. Moving on.
Question 2: In one word how did your ex describe your relationship?
Gio gets a match because he said crazy and she said ridiculous. At least Gio fucking knows he’s crazy. Admitting is the first step.
Morgan’s ex said that he’s really smart and he acts like a stupid frat boy and it’s like, LOL okay. Whatever you have to tell yourself to sleep at night, honey. Maybe if you keep telling yourself you didn’t date TFM’s poster boy, you might retain some self-respect. I get it.
Tori’s like “WOW he’s so deep! Underneath all that muscle and that abnormally square head, he has a heart!” Fucking incredible.
Question 3: Does your ex think you’re ready to settle down?
Everyone says no. I’m sure your matches are PUMPED. John’s very excited about this—COMMITMENT BLOWS, AM I RIGHT!?! *fist bumps everyone around him* *pounds beer and crushes it on his forehead* *screams FUCK YEAH ‘MERICA!*
Question 4: What animal best describes your personality?
Tyler’s ex is literally here to ruin lives, I’m low-key living for it.
RYAN: What animal is Tyler?
EX: Dog shit
RYAN: That’s not an animal
RYAN: Okay, dog shit it is.
Stephen keeps getting them wrong and Gio keeps getting them right—mostly because every answer has been something like “crazy”, “psycho” or “horrible.” Gio’s like “know yourself, know your worth.”
It’s down to John, Gio and Cam and Stephen is praying that John/Cam win. Putting your faith in Cam is like waiting for rain in this drought—useless and disappointing (name that movie, Sam.)
Last Question: Does your ex think you still have feelings for her?
Cam, of course answers it incorrectly, so it’s John and Gio. It’s also, dare I say, fucking lit.
John picks Kaylen and Gio picks, of course, Julia. Talk about the most awkward double date ever. This has given me life.
Julia and Stephen are talking and Stephen is like freaking out about Gio and Julia. He def very worried that Gio may be right.
STEPHEN: That plan is crazy
JULIA: I know
STEPHEN: So crazy…. It just might work
Gio’s like “I NEED TO MOVE FORWARD OTHERWISE I’M GONNA RUIN EVERYTHING FOR ALL OF YOU FUCKERS.” Basically, Gio is a giant asshole. Case closed, bring in the dancing lobsters.
There is a lot of mixed opinions here. Some want to vote Julia/Gio in because it’ll end this shit, some don’t want to waste a truth booth.
HALF THE HOUSE: I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.
THE OTHER HALF OF THE HOUSE: I’m voting for Cady heron because she’s the one that pushed her.
Prosper and Bagel are cuddling and laughing and let me tell you, I never saw this coming. He’s like “you’re sexy” and Bagel’s like “I KNOW.” Our self-conscious little Bagel has grown into a confident young pastry *tear.
Tori and Morgan are in a room talking about repopulating the world and other totally relevant shit. Morgan is clearly hammered and is feeling on her ass, talking about her giant ass belly button.
She’s like “I had to grow into my belly button” and he’s like “AH SO THAT’S WHY YOU GAINED WEIGHT.” YOOOOOOOO, that shit was loaded. Remember that big heart and big brain Morgan supposedly has? Best joke that’s been told on this show.
He then is like “NO NO THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT!” and then is like “I wish your ass was fatter.” This whole conversation could honestly go down in history as the worst thing to ever exist. Wow, bravo to all involved.
THE WORLD’S MOST UNCOMFORTABLE DATE AKA EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER WANTED
For the date, they are going wakeboarding, where Stephen hopes Gio accidently drowns, whoopsie. John gets up on the wake board and Kaylen’s like fuck I’m gonna suck. And yeah, she really does fucking suck.
BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THOSE TWO!!! Gio keeps touching Julia and she’s like kinda uncomfortable, kinda not stopping it, which is the story of Julia’s life.
Mind you, this girl believes kissing is like the ultimate commitment while Gio’s like, a sex addict.
CHAZZ MICHAEL MICHAELS/GIO: I’m a sex addict. It’s my cross to bear. It’s a real disease with doctors and medicine and everything!
Gio’s like if “I leave here without you I have nothing!” and it’s like, we get it, you’re homeless. She says they “only have a physical connection” and he’s like “I KNOW ISNT IT GREAT!?!”
GIO: *plays music* You and me baby ain’t nothing but mammals so let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
They argue the whole time and Gio is like YOU’RE MINE. Honestly, this dude needs to be put in a psych ward, not a homeless shelter. What are you gonna do, Gio? Fucking share a cot with Julia? Make her hold the sign while you panhandle?
Gio’s like “When I won the challenge, it was amazing. Like fate, karma, the universe, anal sex. But now I feel jipped.” What did he expect? They were gonna start fucking on the wakeboarding date?
Gio believes there is still a chance that Julia becomes so afraid for her safety she finally submits to him—he’s really holding out for that.
Obviously, Julia and Gio are voted to the truth booth. Stephen is like “THIS COULD CHANGE MY LIFE” and it’s like, nah probs not but ok.
John is pissed because, he’s right, they fucking blew a truth booth on this bullshit. It’s like, very clear that they are not a match and they just blew this whole thing.
Gio’s like “the house is gonna feel stupid AF” and Morgan’s like “NO, you’re gonna feel stupid…when we’re like, right and stuff…. ANYWAYS YOU’RE FAT!”
While Gio’s planning his hostile takeover of Julia’s bed, she’s like “should I cut my wrist horizontally or vertically?”
I’m on edge and drinking excessively. This is low-key nerve wracking. But the results are in.
Hey Gio? Are you a 90’s band that peaked with one song about cocaine? BECAUSE YOUR THIRD EYE IS BLIND, BITCH. NO MATCH FOR GIO AND JULIA, DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS.
GIO, SADLY SINGING: I want somethin’ else *tear* to get me through this, semi-charmed kind of life, baby baby
And Julia’s like “there is someone out there for you, but that girl is NOT ME. FUCK YES!” He’s like in there crying and she’s like checking her watch like, can we go now?
Stephen is crying too… wtf is going on? John’s like consoling him and seriously, I’ve seen less tears in my sorority house.
Julia’s like “there, there Gio. You’ve been through worse.” Yeah honestly Gio, you’ve lived on the fucking streets. This is the least of your problems.
They come back and John is like JAMBO, MOTHERFUCKERS and tells Gio that he needs to apologize to the group, Stephen and Julia. Honestly, I’m a few tequila shots deep, because my life now consists of drinking alone and watching MTV reality shows, and I’m all about John rn. Like is he really sexy or am I fucking hammered?
The conversation goes like:
JOHN: please die
Julia thanks Stephen for being by her side and dealing with the fact she has never kissed him and he still tries to fight dudes twice his size. And finally they kiss. Aw, Julia’s first kiss! Baby’s first rave, baby’s first rave!
GIO, STILL CRYING AND SINGING: I wish you would step out from that ledge my friend….
The next day, Asaf and Franny are messing around and making out and he’s like “SHE VERY FUN, hehe.” My mom and I discussed this whole thing in a riveting conversation below:
Morgan and the team get a meeting together and decide to do 100% new couples, except Asaf and Camille, because they are probs a match. This is a terrible idea. But I’m here for it.
Stephen is like “THIS IS BULLSHIT! I want to pick Julia!” I’m ready to put this whole relationship to bed, honestly.
Ryan is wearing a fugly gray shirt that fades into plaid. Seriously that shit looks like the Sean John collection circa ’11. Yikes.
Gio is up first and Ryan is like “how did it feel to be wrong?” Gio’s like “Well sometimes the third eye has blurry vision, ya know? Who could say?”
Gio kind of apologizes to Stephen, but not really.
GIO: I don’t hate you because you’re fat; you’re fat because I hate you.
Gio picks Nicegirl Nicole, which is funny because she is the one who looks like she hates him the most half the time.
Prosper picks Franny and Ryan’s like OKAY, what the fuck are you people doing? Franny explains the strategy and Ryan’s like, “Well aren’t you all just a bunch of loveable asswipes?”
Stephen is up next. He’s like “Waiting for that kiss was so worth it”. Now he’s just gotta wait for his balls to drop.
Ryan’s like “Are you going to pick Julia” and Morgan’s like “bro I’ll fucking haze the shit out of you bro if you fucking do that—FATASS!” Of course, he goes against the grain and picks Julia. Ah, selfish men and criers, Julia has a type.
They start making out in front of everyone like LOOK AT US WE ARE YOUNG ADULTS HAVING INTIMATE INTERACTIONS. WOOOHOOO. Mormon moms everywhere are turning off their TV’s, cursing that sinning whore Julia.
Tyler picks Bagel.
Cam picks Tori.
All the confirmed perfect matches at this point are like WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS FUCKERY?!?!
Morgan picks Victoria.
Asaf says he thinks Franny is the one, which is very weird since a few weeks ago she was like his sister. Ryan’s like “You mad you’re not with her?” and he’s like “STRATEGY, VERY NICE.”
Asaf is like I AM SACRIFICING MYSELF FOR THE TEAM!! DON’T CALL ME A HERO. I’M JUST A MAN. Acting like he’s fucking jumping on a bomb instead of picking a girl to sit by for 3 minutes.
John and Kaylen ARE last and they look miserable.
Kaylen’s like “Gio I loved you and you fucking blew it and were wrong!!!” Uh, you two aren’t a match either? Time to move the fuck on.
Of course, true to the martyr theme we got going here, he’s like I DID THIS FOR YOU. WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE YOU LET THEM GO!! MY THIRD EYE, WHICH IS ALSO CLOSELY CONNECTED TO MY ASSHOLE TOLD ME TO LET YOU FREE, SWEET BUTTERFLY!
RYAN: If you loved her you wouldn’t have left her
GIO: Honestly I feel so attacked right now
Suddenly Gio is saying that everything he did was for Kaylen. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. I FUCKED THOSE OTHER GIRLS FOR YOU!!!!!!
Like a speech from a riveting sports movie, Camille is like “NO YOU FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT AND HELP US WIN THIS MONEY” and everyone claps along. Like yeah Gio, let’s go out there and win this fucking game! And Gio’s like—hmmm, maybe some money and future prospects in life would be cool.
We’re waiting for the beams and they aren’t coming. HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT. This is not a thing rn.
OH, but it is—THEY GET A BLACKOUT.
This means Stephen/Julia, John/Kaylen AND Camille/Asaf aren’t matches. I think all 10,000 people who watch this show are stunned into shock.
They just lost 250,000 dollars, as Victoria so eloquently screams. Looks like you’ll be drinking boxed wine forever, Tyler.
Wow, this shit. This shit practically wrote itself. How did Gio’s third eye not see this coming?