Welcome back to another week of this show. I swear this cast has aged me like fifty years. Their parents are even commenting on my articles defending them. I’ve officially entered the twilight zone and I need way more wine for this shit.
To any member of the AYTO cast that gets offended by my recaps—welcome to the real world, you giant Gerber babies. You signed up for a reality show on MTV about how shitty of daters you are—you had to see this coming. Also, if you need to have it spelled out for you: it’s all a giant joke. Take your tampon out and laugh at yourself a little.
Now that I’m done catering to the sensitive squad that is Season 4, let’s get this show on the road.
We’re back with the cast, where they are realizing they fucking suck at this shit. They still have 4 beams for like, the 70th time. Asaf is like “everyone new plan! We go to America to find Pam-a-la Anderson!”
Meanwhile, Sam and Alyssa are trying on robes in the honeymoon suite, getting ready for their several-week-long girly slumber party. They hold hands but I can’t take Sam seriously with that nail polish. Like, there is just no looking past it.
Imagine if Gio was there like “omg this is a real home! Is that a bed? Wowzers!”
The cast mates are learning how to dance? Idfk anymore. They’re so fucking bored they are learning how to tango. Anyways, John is hanging out with Nicegirl Nicole, much to Bagel’s dismay.
Bagel is like “I WOULD MARRY JOHN TOMORROW” which is a very fucking creepy thing to say about someone you barely know. John, you’ve got a stage five clinger on your hands.
Bagel is telling all this to Prosper, who is like, still somewhat interested in Bagel, for some unknown reason. He calls Bagel devoted, which is a funny way of saying OBSESSED. Slip of the tongue, really.
PROSPER: Nothing gets my dick hard like emotional baggage.
Bagel’s like “he [John] is not even cute!” And yeah, your kids would be pretty plain, if that’s what you mean. Bagel babies.
BAGEL ABOUT JOHN: I want to cut off his skin and wear it to my birthday party
PROSPER: *jerks off in the corner*
Cam’s like “I need to win this date or Victoria is going to castrate me”. Aggressive, but Cam probs doesn’t know what castrate means so he probably thinks it’s something kinky.
Ryan makes a sex pun about poles and holes and is like “The name of the game is AT LEAST BUY ME DINNER FIRST” and the cast laughs like he’s telling the best joke they’ve ever heard. This is some fake bullshit. Like Family Feud when one member of the team says something idiotic and they’re all like “good answer!” No, Aunt Barbara, that was the dumbest answer I have ever heard, you ignorant fuck.
In this challenge, the girls get the poles and the guys have the holes and only the first place winner gets a getaway date.
TORI: Finally, I can have that dick I’ve always wanted.
EVERYONE: Delete your account
They pick pairs and Julia picks Stephen and Gio’s like “Aw, gosh darn it.”
Gio’s like “YOU HAVE A MAN HOLDING ONTO A WOMAN THAT’S NOT HIS, SHE’S MINE.” All I hear is:
Nicegirl Nicole is like “It’s hard to put the pole in the hole, I get it now guys.” Nicegirl, your sex life sounds actually tragic. I’m praying for you, really.
Julia and Stephen suck because they both have the athletic abilities of a fucking dish towel.
Kaylen and Tyler are working together and Tyler’s like, “I want this date so I can put my pole in her hole! Lol jk. But seriously.” God, get off my TV screen.
Tori and Morgan are first and Cam and Victoria are second. Cam gets to keep his penis—yay! Hopefully he can find the hole, right Nicegirl?
And none for Asaf and Francesca, bye! Franny’s like “we lost.” And Asaf is like “we make-a losing sex? Yes?” while Tyler is like “Dang it, another night with my right hand.”
Tori and Morgan get to drive around Hawaii and Morgan’s like “it’s like we’re Ken and Barbie.” Sure, the off-brand kind that you get at the dollar store. Or like, Cynthia from Rugrats.
Ryan decides to let the kids out of their cage and throw an “Adam and Eve Party”, whatever the fuck that is. Everyone is pumped that they are finally let out of their house and Nicegirl is like “IT’S ABOUT TO GO DOWN.”
THE CAST: THIS HOUSE IS A FUCKING PRISION ON THE PLANET BULLSHIT!
Prosper is looking sexy AF in that loincloth. Seth is looking so good tonight, but isn’t he like, your cousin? Cam would know all about hitting on family members.
CAM: You have your cousins, and your first cousins….
Prosper’s like “I got a lei, I appreciate that! I got a girl dancing on me, I appreciate that! I might get an STD tonight, I APPRECIATE THAT!”
Asaf and Franny start making out—Franny proving that you can get out of the sibling zone one drunken fuck at a time. Everyone at this point is just slutty dancing and making out. I remember my first high school dance.
John’s like “YO BRO, I PREGAMED SO I’M TURNT.” Save the fratty shit for Morgan, bro. John’s like “I liked Bagel, but she has a resting bitch face, soooo…” John, we’ll probably never be close. My RBF makes Bagel look like she shits rainbows.
They do a full sexy dance shot of Nicegirl Nicole, which is v weird for me. It doesn’t matter how many times you shake your ass, you still look like a nun to me. Nicole’s like an Amish girl getting her first taste of freedom.
John’s like “Nicole looks happy all the time” and we all know he has a boner for joy. John manhandles Nicegirl and she’s like “I actually fucking hate you” and he’s like “nahhhh you like it.” Even though her mouth is saying “you annoy me”, we’ve all seen enough romantic comedies to know how this shit goes: they start making out.
Bagel is like “EW she’s fucking weird! She’s like a soccer mom!” (That’s actually a good one, I’m writing that down.) And Prosper says what we’re all thinking/screaming at the TV: GET. THE. FUCK. OVER. YOURSELF.
Prosper is like “I WANT YOU SO BAD.” And Bagel’s like, “Oh. Weird”. And I’m like, oh. Weird.
Bagel’s like “he’s like Flava Flav!” We can now conclude that Bagel has never spoken to a black guy. He tells her that he doesn’t mind that she’s a bitch and she’s like “GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME” and sucks his face.
EMMA: In a wheelchair?
PROSPER: Yes, but the feeling will come back, I promise.
Tyler is talking to his twin Kaylen and is like “what’s on your mind?” WTF is this, a Facebook status? Tyler is desperate for airtime rn and is like “I NEED SOMEONE LIKE YOU.” They kiss on the cheek, like some Disney channel shit.
Cam is every awkward white guy in a club ever, just bobbing up and down and saying “wow, look at all these ladies dance!” He’s like three seconds away from asking the DJ to play “Ice, Ice Baby.”
Cam starts dancing with Camille because he wants to “keep his options open” and Victoria’s like, “yeah, he doesn’t like me.” Victoria, the only sane person on this show.
She is like, “Hey you should dance with me,” and Cam’s like “You want me to acknowledge you? That’s not me!” He calls her dramatic and then is like patronizing her for not loving herself and making her feel like it’s her fault that he was all on another girl.
She’s like “Yeah sure, it’s all me, you’re perfect, I suck” and Cam bounces the fuck out of there. He again is like “BUILD SOME SELF-ESTEEM,” making her cry and it’s all a mess. Maybe her self-esteem wouldn’t be so fucked up if you didn’t embarrass her on national TV a few weeks ago and be a dick about drunkenly sleeping with her. That’s a thought.
Gio tells Kaylen to go get Julia and stand side-by-side. And I’m like, nah Kaylen is not gonna do this. No way. And then lo and behold, she fucking does it. She actually actively searches for Julia. WOW this shit is next level.
I’m thinking he’s going to do what Sparky does in “Bring It On” when he lines all of them up and is like “you have weak ankles”, “your calves are bigger than one another”, but alas, he doesn’t.
GIO/SPARKY: I am a choreographer. That’s what I do. You are cheerleaders. Cheerleaders are dancers who have gone retarded.
THIS IS A TRAINWRECK and I cannot stop watching with awe as I pound wine. Gio keeps trying to touch Julia and she’s like “NO GET AWAY FROM ME”. And he’s like “SHE DOESN’T DESERVE IT!” and starts throwing shit everywhere. What in the actual fuck is happening?
Gio’s like “I’M HUMILIATED” and I’m like, LOLz yeah, pretty much. No one cares at first until he’s like “I don’t give a fuck about a million dollars” and then everyone is like “THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?”
Cam and John do a hick, white boy sandwich and pet him like a dog trying to console him. For once I agree with Morgan—this whole thing is fucking ridiculous and Gio is acting like a baby back bitch.
THE POINTLESS DATE
Morgan and Tori go on their driving date, which is literally not a date to everyone else in the world. Driving in a rental car in Hawaii is like, very standard. Welcome to pretty much existing.
They both act like they’ve never seen the fucking ocean before and are like “such wow, such water.” Last week they went zip-lining and this week they drive by in a car? This is some horseshit.
Morgan’s like “I’m such a mystery” and then is like “LOOK I BOUGHT YOU THIS TURTLE NECKLACE.” Tori’s like, “aw I love turtles” and together squished-face Morgan and low-key skanky Tori live happily ever after.
No surprise, everyone picks Cam and Victoria. I’m not going to prolong this for you—they’re not a match. Not like you actually expected them to be.
Everyone’s like, “Well now that that’s done, time to get drunk.”
Victoria gives a speech about “how they need to keep going and now she knows she’s not a match and she’ll carry on” and then she throws pieces of her prom queen crown to the crowd.
VICTORIA: A piece for Regina George, a partial truth-booth loser.
Suddenly, John and Kaylen are flirting. What in the fuck is happening? You guys, this twilight zone thing, it’s real dude.
Actual picture of me rn:
John likes that “she is smart and puts him in her place” and Tyler’s like “WHAT THE FUCK?” No matter what Tyler does, even if he dates a girl who looks identical to him, no one loves him. Womp womp.
Tyler calls John “trash” and tells him to back off from Kaylen. Here’s the first tip about talking to people, Tyler, since I’m sensing your social skills need help: maybe you should avoid comparing them to waste. Especially when the person you are calling “trash” is bigger than you, probably drunk, and has the temper of a fucking hormonal pitbull.
John’s like “Call me that again and I’m going to literally murder you and everyone you love” and Tyler’s like “YOU WON’T NO BALLS” and calls him trash again.
John shoves Tyler and Tyler’s like “Help I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” while security comes in to hold John back. Tyler looks like a bitch in this situation, and sorry, I hate to say this John, but John comes off a little trashy. Overall it’s a lose-lose situation for them and a win-win situation for me.
JOHN: *plays the song “He Had It Coming” from Chicago* (go look it up, Cam, you uncultured giant)
Tyler’s like “I was kidding!” And Kaylen’s like “I know” blah blah. I personally didn’t see the joke and I’m like, really funny. I’ve officially weighed in as #TeamJohn. Kaylen is like “stop being fucking trashy,” lol see what I did there.
She’s like “I DRINK CHAMPAGNE AND EAT AT NOBU, WE GOTTA KEEP THIS SHIT TIGHT.” But like, wasn’t she in a fight with Franny last week? These contestants give me whiplash. Fuck, Nobu sounds really good rn.
THE BLOODBATH/MATCHUP CEREMONY
Let’s all do a silent prayer and thank all that is holy that Cameron is wearing a hat this week. In his name we pray, amen. He’s stressed about these idiots getting a blackout and I’m like DON’T YOU WORRY BUTTERCUP. IT ALL WILL BE OVER SOON ily, what.
Victoria is up first and picks Prosper—which we all can agree is a huge upgrade.
Prosper’s like “Bagel and I could be a match, idk it’s surface level, we def gotta drunkenly make out more.”
Nicegirl Nicole is up next and is like “Yeah, hooking up with John, not ideal.” Looks like she really is annoyed by you. Sucks to suck. She picks Cam, who takes a break from harassing Jack on the magic bean stalk and stumbles to meet her.
Tori picks Morgan and is like “TURTLE, TURTLE.” Tori at the next ceremony:
Bagel is up and John’s like “PLEASE DON’T PICK ME” and she picks GIO. Wtf? Gio even looks shocked.
Gio’s like “Why did you pick me?” and she’s like “We’re friends!” and he’s like “EHHHH. Not really.” I’m convinced that Gio is actually a pile of steaming dog shit that was painted to look like a human being at this point.
Gio’s like “MY PERFECT MATCH IS JULIA” and everyone across the fucking world groans. He turns to Stephen and Julia and is like “IT’S GOOD TO SEE YOU TWO ARE MATCHING TONIGHT BUT YOUR SOULS DON’T MATCH.” They are literally both wearing a black shirt, like what.
Ryan’s like, “Well do you actually know Julia?”
RYAN/MRS. NORBERRY: Do you even go here?
GIO: No, I just have a lot of feelings.
RYAN: Yeah, go home.
He’s like “I’m playing this game with my third eye,” which is the second time the third eye has been referenced in this episode. Who the fuck do you think you are? Buddha or some shit? Everyone is legit laughing at him and it’s like, it’s about time someone finds joy in making fun of y’all like I do.
Gio calls him a liar and a snake (aka Taylor Swift) and Stephen gets up and gets in Gio’s face. I wouldn’t do that Stephen, bums like Gio fight dirty. He literally has nothing to lose. I mean literally. He’s homeless, if you didn’t know.
Everyone goes to break up the fight, including Kaylen? The fuck girl, sit your ass back down. If I was there, I would have had a bowl of popcorn and been like LET’S GET READY TO RUUUUUMBLE!
Gio goes to lunge at Stephen, shoves Kaylen out of the way, and Ryan’s like “SHUT IT DOWN.” Ryan takes his bat and turns on the sprinklers and is like .4 seconds away from taking away junior prom.
RYAN: The junior girls, they’ve gone wild!
Gio’s like “Stephen is trying to be like me” because everyone aspires to be a fucking homeless psychopath.
Franny picks Asaf, obvi.
Camille is up and picks Tyler.
Kaylen picks John and says she was “repulsed” by Tyler’s attitude yesterday. You can’t drink champagne with us!
Julia is last and pick Stephen, because they match obviously.
Julia is like “I don’t understand how Gio likes me, he doesn’t even know me!” and Gio’s like “When we go to the truth booth and it says perfect match, you can stay here with Stephen and I’ll go to the suite by myself,” where he’ll probably live his life as a squatter.
Again, I’ll cut the tension for you: They get 4 beams AGAIN. FOR LIKE THE ZILLIONTH TIME.
Wow that was exhausting. I’d like to thank all of you for making my job so much easier and acting like complete fucking idiots. Seriously, you da best. Keep up the good work.