Welcome back. Sorry this recap is a smidge late, I was on vacation and decided I wasn’t going to watch a bunch of drunken 20-something-year-olds (aka my peers) act like a bunch of horny idiots. I went to college. I was in a sorority—been there, fucked that.
Per usual, my mother makes cameos in this recap (she watched the show before I did), but sadly is not getting drunk with me. Your comments were a big boost to her ego, which she def did not need. She’s been calling herself “Mama Betch” for the last week and I have now realized my mistake/hate my life.
ANYWAYS—the group got 4 matches, again. It’s like week 6. Wasn’t a math major, but I did sleep with my tutor enough to know that’s not good.
Asaf is like “Sam and Alyssa to truth booth, very nice! Ya?” and Julia’s like “we can’t just throw the challenge and let them win!!!!” Uh, yeah you can. It’s pretty much that simple.
Tori’s like “SAM AND ALYSSA ARE A FUCKING MATCH, I KNOW IT!!” WHY IS EVERYONE YELLING?????
Victoria is like, still upset about the Cam thing (read last week’s recap for all that bullshit) and he actually decides to talk to her, like idk, A MAN???
She’s like “I feel super unwanted and that sucks.” I wouldn’t know the feeling but yeah, sounds shitty.
Cam’s like “I’M SUCH A DORK, I DON’T KNOW HOW TO NOT BE A DICK!” Well that’s a weak-ass excuse but k. Never met a country bumpkin dork before.
Cam’s like “YOU SHOULD SMILE MORE” to Victoria and it’s like, literally never tell me what to do again. She gives a very uncomfortable smile that says “what did I do to deserve this?” and he’s like “THERE IT IS!” So, to recap, no apology for treating her rudely and making her feel like shit. Instead he tells her what she can improve on. Fuckin’ Cam.
Asaf is drunkenly rambling and is like “I have a dream that this suit is black, not.” He starts dancing and telling everyone to have sex.
Please go away and never come back.
Tori’s like “we need to get a solid match/couple in the truth booth” and it’s like, yes, why are you people just now seeing this?
Ryan says the game involves the boy’s moms and Sam’s is immediately like “MOMMMMMMYYYYYY!!!!” The moms give a quote about their son and two girls face off, buzzing in whose mom they think it is. Get it wrong, you’re out. Get it right, you move to the next round. The mom will be on Skype and tell them if they are right or wrong.
It’s simple enough, Cam is even nodding his head in understanding.
Camille vs. Victoria Question: Who sucked their thumb until he was 5? Obviously it was Sam.
WOW, Sam’s mom is literally looks like she could be his twin sister. No getting those genetics mixed up. Either way, Victoria is out because she guessed Tyler.
Julia and Franny are up next.
When Julia talks, she sounds like her words are written by a 13-year-old with no sense of grammar.
JULIA: “These boys are a momma boy, but I need a momma’s man who appreciate mom” WTF are the words you just said?
Franny vs. Julia Question: Whose childhood nickname was coochie? *cough cough, fucking pussy*
A woman speaking in full Hebrew comes on and it’s obviously Asaf. Though it would have been funny if she was like Morgan’s mom or something. Julia’s out because she got it wrong. She should go hightail her ass to English class.
Asaf starts crying because he missed his mom and Sam’s like, “let’s hug it out bro.”
Tori vs. Kaylen Question: Which boy had an imaginary friend?
Cam did. HE’S A DORK OKAY????!!!! Kaylen is out because she doesn’t know jack shit about that hick and guessed wrong.
Bagel and Nicegirl Nicole’s Question: Which dude carried a fucking chucky doll everywhere he went? Of course it’s Gio because he’s fucking possessed by the devil. Nicegirl is outta there.
Franny vs. Camille Question: Who is afraid of ghosts? Apparently Tyler. He’s like “GHOSTS ARE FUCKING REAL MAN.” You know what else is real? Your complete lack of sex appeal. Camille is out.
Bagel vs. Franny for the date: Who has eaten chocolate until he has literally barfed? Bagel immediately guesses John because she’s low-key obsessed with him.
BAGEL: “I was looking through his window late one night and I saw him eat a Twix bar. So yeah, it’s John.”
John is crying because he misses his mom too and Bagel’s like “YAS keep the tears coming.”
Alright you dick holes, I talk shit about you every week (out of love, stop being so goddam sensitive) and y’all do some stupid shit BUT as my mother is a frequenter to this show/recaps, I appreciate the love for your moms. Maybe you aren’t quite as douche-y. Don’t make this moment weird.
Moving on…Tori vs. Alyssa for the date. Tori’s already planning on throwing the game because she’s a fucking homie. The Question: Who threw a house party and tried to hide 30 kids in two closets?
It’s between Stephen or Prosper and Alyssa picks Stephen. They all start celebrating when they realize the mom on the screen is white (does nobody else find this low-key racist?)—so Alyssa got it right.
Bagel picks John to go on the date—LET IT GO, BAGEL—and Alyssa picks Sam, because fucking duh.
Julia and Gio are talking and Julia’s like “how do you feel about the Kaylen thing?” Ya know, because they were supposed to get married and now his trying to stick his dick in every other girl ever.
He tells Julia that he thinks she’s his match and she’s like “GOOD ONE, HANSEL!” She’s like “you don’t know anything about me” and he’s like “maybe not history but I know you.” Is Gio “Spalding” from The Amanda Show? #TBT to Moody’s Point.
JULIA: You don’t even know me
GIO/SPALDING: Do we really even know anyone? Do we even know ourselves?
She’s like “why do you feel this way?” and he’s like “shhhhh, don’t think”. Should be easy for her. Stephen, meanwhile, is so fucking over this bullshit. Dude, same.
Meanwhile, Camille’s thinking that Asaf is her match and it’s honestly disappointing. She’s like “I wanna kiss you” and he’s like “DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME.” What do you think this is? A Walk to Remember? I know Sam got that reference.
Asaf’s like “I’m a changed man! I don’t want to sleep with her.” And then, her sleeps with her. Fucking coochie.
Franny starts crying and is like “WHY IS HE WITH ANOTHER GIRL?” I’m sure Tori thought the same thing when you fucked him when they were dating. Life is weird, ain’t it?
Franny starts talking to Gio and Gio’s hoping she’ll fuck him after this.
GIO: I’ll be your shoulder to cry on but the funny thing about my shoulder is it’s located on my cock.
Franny straddles Gio and he grabs her by the neck and starts making out with her. My mother’s comment was: “Did he grab her by the neck? Is this that BDSM thing all the kids are into?” THANKS GIO FOR BRINGING THIS CONVERSATION INTO MY LIFE, YOU ASSHOLE.
They go to the living room and Gio’s like “I’m not about foreplay.” LOL yeah Gio and I’m sure you think the female orgasm is a myth. I imagine Gio sounds a lot like Donald Trump in bed.
GIO: Foreplay is for losers. I’m a winner. Female orgasm—lie. Some, I assume, are real.
I’m not here to slut-shame (see the part where I admit to fucking my math tutor in college), but Franny got over that real fast. *sips tea* just sayin’.
Franny and Gio have sex in the living room and fall asleep there. Rookie movie, because everyone comes in and sees it. Kaylen’s like “makes sense. Franny’s weak AF.” Damn, something tastes REAL FUCKIN BITTER.
They go ziplining for the date and Sam’s like “well if I die today I’m with the girl I want to die with!” Well this date has started morbidly. Where is Gio’s weird Chucky doll?
John’s like “usually Bagel is a frigid bitch in the house, but now she is actually smiling.” What’s with the smiling thing? John’s like “IT’S A WHOLE NEW BAGEL.”
Bagel and John are throwing food at each other in a passive aggressive food fight. Bagel’s like “does it shock you that I’m fun?”, as she fucking pelts a whole watermelon at his face, and he’s like “yeah actually.”
Sam tells Alyssa that he’s falling for her and they fucking make out in the ocean because MTV has a quota of how many water kisses they need per season.
Ryan asks Gio what’s up and he’s like “YOLO no ragrets, Scotty P, know what I’m sayin?”
He says that he and Franny slept together and Kaylen and Asaf look like they want to die. Do it. You won’t, no balls.
Asaf pulls a Julia and is like “Franny deserve better, she such great soul.” At least he’s foreign so he has an excuse for sounding like a moron. Seriously people, pick up a goddam book.
Kaylen’s like “THEY ARE A MATCH” and calls them a “little boy and a little girl.” Which low-key makes sense when Franny continues to wear her hair like a pubescent Ariana Grande.
They send in Sam and Alyssa in the truth booth, because duh. Everyone agrees, they are probably a match. Alyssa came in to this looking for a feminine dude and let me tell ya, she found one.
I’m sweating in anticipation. Wait, why am I seriously sweating? Oh my AC shut off, hold on. Okay, I’m back with a new glass of wine.
Anyways they are a PERFECT MATCH! EXCELLENT. Those beautiful little lesbians did the damn thing. Love is real again for this house. Everyone is poppin’ bottles to the fact that they just got two totally sane people off the show. BOOOORING.
Morgan is reading Tori’s palm and is like “you’re a curious person who likes to party. And well, would you look at that! See that groove on your thumb? That means you’re gonna blow me later”
MORGAN: Our auras are vibing, but they would vibe better in the boom-boom room.
Meanwhile, Gio is like “Julia you’re my match and I’M GONNA GET WHAT I WANT.” Reminds me of that video “Shoes.” Omg watching it now, hold on.
GIO: Let’s get some shoes. These shoes rule. These shoes SUCK.
And it’s like okay, Gio that’s cool. We get it. You’re on some Sharpay Evans shit and want it all. But Julia legit does not like you. Stephen AND Julia try and get him to back off and he’s like NAH. I have to ask—when does this EVER work? Harassing a girl until she likes you is like, not a thing.
Stephen’s like “dude you’re really pissing me off” and Gio is like “I’M THE SMARTEST DUDE HERE.” Ah, that Donald Trump shit again.
GIO: I WON THE FUCKING HOMELESS SHELTER SPELLING BEE! YOU UNDERSTAND THAT SHIT? THIS IS THE FERTILITY VASE OF THE NDEBELE TRIBE, DOES THAT MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?
If I took a shot for every rant Gio went on, it’d be like, goodbye sweet world. I might as well make a fucking appointment to get my stomach pumped. John’s like “someone needs to kick Gio’s ass”—finally speaking my language.
Gio’s like “IT’S KILL OR KILL.” That’s not the expression but okay, Gio. He’s screaming at everyone how they are wrong and he is right and isn’t it ironic that the homeless person is telling people to get their shit together?
Back to honeymoon suite, where happiness actually lives, and—OMG CAMERON WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOUR BEAUTIFUL HAIR?! HOLY SHIT. WHO CUT THAT MAGNIFICENT MANE? HELEN KELLER? And then he dropped out of MTV because he got a match, and he came back in episode six, all of his hair was cut off and he was totally weird, and now I guess he’s on crack.
I need a few moments to process this. Mama Betch texted me—“Who cut Cameron’s hair? John’s barber?” Honestly, we’re not mad, Cameron. We’re disappointed.
Julia is like “IT’S ABOUT TO BE WORLD WAR THREE FOR MY HEART.” Oh, get the fuck over yourself.
Ryan tells Mikala and Cameron about Sam and Alyssa and everyone is pumped. Yayyyyy happiness! Ryan asks what they are gonna do in the honeymoon suite and Sam says that “you’ll find out in nine months.” What the flying fuck in space… I’m like, not even gonna acknowledge that rn. I’m too young for this kind of stress.
John is first and Ryan’s like “I feel like you’ve been different” and he’s like “yeah actually I decided to stop being a dick, thanks for noticing.” Good for you John. But we have 4 episodes left, so I’m not holding out hope.
John picks Bagel and she’s like, “duh.” Bagel’s like “things changed when I went on the one-on-one date. Go be with someone you hate.” I would laugh but I’m too busy noticing how your face and your neck are two different colors. We gotta teach you how to blend your makeup, girl.
I feel an odd kinship with Bagel, like maybe in some alternate universe, where I speak to girls with blunt ombres, we could be friends. I could teach her how to channel her resting bitch face and use it for the greater good. I would do that for her because I’m like, such a good friend.
Cam’s up next and picks Victoria. She’s walking to him and he almost belts out singing “You’re Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile!”
Morgan’s up next, he picks Tori. He saw this outcome in her palms obviously. She calls them Torgan, as I silently pray to God that he just fucking strikes me with a lightning bolt now and end my misery.
Gio’s like “I DIDN’T COME HERE FOR FRIENDSHIP, I CAME HERE TO FORCE A GIRL TO FUCKING LIKE ME.” Alrighty then….
Stephen is up next and is like “I KNOW I’M JULIA’S MATCH.” I personally don’t think so, but whatever.
Julia’s like “well, Gio says I’m his match but then he is making out with Franny…” Okay that’s like, so not important. You’re clearly not into him so fucking tell him and stop blaming Franny.
GIO: I need to prove to Julia I’m her match. I just neED ONE SHOT TO NOT MISS MY CHANCE TO BLOW. THIS OPPORTUNITY COMES ONCE IN A LIFETIME!
Gio’s next and he picks Franny, which begins the real World War 3.
KAYLEN: EVERYONE NEEDS TO KEEP IT REAL
GIO/SPALDING: Are we even, real?
Kaylen’s like “I think you and Franny are a match because she’s a little girl and you’re a little boy.” This shit again.
Franny’s like “why am I a little girl?” And Kaylen like “NO OFFENSE BUT….” And then Franny is like “but I’m confused” and Kaylen tells her to check her tone. WTF. As a girl who has a constant tone, I’m like dafaq is she talking about.
Franny’s like “this is bullshit because people are calling me a little girl and then not saying why!” I’ll tell you why—it’s the Ariana Grande hair, dude. Kaylen gets up and starts babbling about respect and how Franny could have said this in the house. I’m sorry, but like, how is this Franny’s fault?
Gio’s in between them trying to simmer this shit down and Franny is fucking holding her own. Ariana Grande did lick some donuts, she’s a bad bitch sometimes. Gio tells Kaylen to sit the fuck down and Kaylen pulls a Beyoncé—WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I AM? YOU AIN’T (promised to be) MARRIED TO NO AVERAGE BITCH BOY.
Gio tells her that she made a scene and for once, I agree.
Propser picks Kaylen, unfortunately for him.
Tyler picks Nicole and Nicole’s like “I hate this and my life.” If someone says “it is what it is” about being with you, she’s just not that into you.
Asaf and Camille are last. She’s happy, he’s like “I am happy too… not.”
Asaf said his first choice is Franny, not Camille. Ryan is like “Franny do you wanna be with Asaf?” and she’s like “MORE THAN ANYTHING.”
RYAN: Do you like cheese?
FRANNY/EUNICE: More than any other animal byproduct.
And none for Camille, bye.
They don’t get a blackout, shockingly, but they only get 4—again.
Holy shit, you guys suck. Figure this shit out, you’re starting to make my alcohol taste bad. Shape your shit up, I did not leave the south side for this!