Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to Illyriaaaaaaa! And Betches. This week, I got a few cheap bottles of wine and went to visit my mom so we could shit talk y’all live. Her comments will be included in this recap—because who are we without our betchy mothers? Kim Kardashian didn’t ruin careers and get a fake ass without the help of Kris. Anyway, let’s begin now.
We return to the cast kinda confused over the fact that they just can’t seem to get more than four matches. They are like, “hey, let’s buckle down and figure this out.” And then are like, “jk SHOTSSSS.”
Gio is consulting Prosper and Stephen about what they think about him trying to fuck other girls in the house. Such a weird thing to consult your friends about—“so should I try to get an STD or nah?”
He’s like “if I’m not a match with Kaylen I’m putting my dick in everything that moves.” He’s obviously gonna be very torn up about the whole thing.
Prosper’s like “yeah, you should meet other girls” and Stephen is like “why am I even here? Like, we’re not friends at all?” He eventually tells Gio to go for other girls but not Julia. Never Julia. Don’t even look at Julia. NOT JULIA GODAMMIT. NOT THE GUM DROP BUTTONS!
Morgan’s like “Tori can take a joke, which is like, so hot.” He wants a girl who he can make feel like shit every day and doesn’t get mad at him. He’s a simple man really.
Morgan and Tori are putting makeup on John, which is pretty funny actually. Though it’s kinda hard to focus when you notice Morgan is wearing some short shorts. Fucking Chubbies dude? Really? When did you leave your frat house, bro?
They give John a full makeover and of course John flips the fuck out. He’s like “this isn’t middle school, grow up!” Morgan’s like, “well I def wouldn’t fuck John because he obviously can’t take a joke.” Seriously, can’t wait for the reboot—Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, starring John from Piggly Wiggly.
Stephen makes a mini date with Julia and she’s like “OH STEPHEN YOU’RE SO SILLY.” Jesus H Christ, just say thank you for the date and stop acting like a fucking bimbo.
On a side note, I have finally pinpointed exactly what it is about Julia’s face that bothers me so much.
Immediately after, Julia gets Westchester, a pretty well-known area in New York, confused with a steak sauce. If you listen closely you can hear the groaning of my mother and me as Julia continues to act like a dumb bitch.
Stephen is like, really sensitive in the confessional and is like “I’m falling for her”. Like what could you possibly be falling for? The fact that her voice constantly sounds like a whining 3-year-old or that she thought you grew up in a condiment?
Let’s first point out that Bagel is wearing a bralette to the game. Interesting choice. All the rest of the girls look like they are about to run a marathon and you look like you’re going to a Lana Del Ray concert.
Ryan calls the challenge “Drunk on Love” and the boys are like “YES ALCOHOL SOMETHING I’M GOOD AT.” Turns out there is no drinking involved—but they have to wear goggles that make them feel hammered, run through an obstacle course and look at two pictures of the girls and find the one thing that is different in the pictures. Since all of them are functioning alcoholics, they are all like “I GOT THIS IN THE BAG.”
Nicegirl Nicole, who is wearing purple eyeshadow that I haven’t seen used since 2002, is very into Prosper, that beautiful chocolate man. Prosper is kinda down too, which is a little weird. Nicole looks like a fucking American Girl doll come to life.
My mom: She can’t handle him. *drinks wine* she looks like she’s about to become a nun.
Sam is embarrassingly failing at this. Didn’t you play football at UCLA? Or were you just the waterboy they felt bad for so they let you wear pads and gave you a jersey?
SAM: My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.
Anyways, Stephen and Prosper finish first, but it’s all about how many they get right. Coming in first with all correct answers—Prosper. Goddam he’s so sexy.
Everyone is hoping for Gio and Kaylen because they need to go to the truth booth and get this shit over with, and thankfully Gio gets second.
Prosper picks Nicegirl Nicole.
PROSPER to NICOLE: Come here, Snowflake.
Gio picks Kaylen.
GIO to KAYLEN: Yo, bitch get the fuck over here.
Apparently their date is a ropes course? What is this, a sorority sisterhood event?
Back at the house, Morgan continues to be a massive douche. Per usual. He’s like “I always initiate and facilitate good times.” Literally the only thing you initiate is my fucking gag reflex, you living bobblehead.
Morgan is dubbing himself the “fetish hunter” of the season, hoping Tori is into “foot stuff”. I could have gone a lifetime without hearing Morgan talk about foot jobs. And then Tori calls him “Daddy” and it’s like—please stop MTV. What did I do to deserve this?
My mom watching Tori: I worry about her.
They all start licking whipped cream off each other, straight out of Not Another Teen Movie.
TORI: How did you know I like sundaes?
MORGAN: *shoves banana up his ass* Oh no, this is a banana split.
Nicegirl Nicole starts licking Prosper and then WTF they start making out. Honestly, Nicegirl, I didn’t know you had it in you. 4 for you Nicegirl, you go Nicegirl. This doesn’t seem like Prosper’s usual jam, but he seems to be down.
PROSPER: You Puerto Rican?
PROSPER: I feel that.
They put whipped cream in Cam’s mouth and he fucking attacks Victoria, who looks like she’ll be suffering from PTSD after all this. Cam’s like “I’m a gentleman” then FORCES YOU INTO A KISS ON NATIONAL TV.
Cam’s def hammered and is like “VICTORIA YOU ARE SO SMART!” and she’s like “can you shut the fuck up and make out with me.” If I was Vic, I wouldn’t take Cam talking about my intelligence as a compliment. He seems like a homeschooled jungle freak and I can’t really believe that he actually knows jack shit. He def thinks Stephen was born in a steak sauce.
CAM: And on the third day, God created the Remington bolt-action rifle, so that Man could fight the dinosaurs. And the homosexuals.
Victoria and Cam go to the boomboom room, where I’m sure Cam is disappointed to learn that reverse cowgirl doesn’t involve a horse.
Stephen is like openly talking about how Gio is into Julia and Kaylen is right there. Like right there. She’s like “OH HELLLLLL NO.” Gio, I’m scared for you rn.
Victoria’s like “things were cool last night, Cam’s so nice!” Then she sees him and is like “hey” and he’s like “NOPE, NOT TODAY SATAN.” Actual footage:
Victoria’s like “do you want to talk about last night?” and Cam says he blacked out and doesn’t remember a thing. Can we get a collective Are. You. Fucking. Serious?
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW. This shit right here has got my mother and I pissed. First of all Cam, you should be fucking shouting from the rooftops that a girl who looks like Victoria decided to let your peasant hands touch her. Your only redeeming quality is your height. Seriously.
Secondly, there are SO many better ways to go about that, instead of totally embarrassing someone and making them feel like shit. Also, how did you get it up? That’s the question I think we’re all really wondering. *In Kristen Bell voice* Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.
My mom: She shouldn’t want him anyways. He’s a giant who can’t handle his alcohol, clearly.
Our household is two things: #TeamVictoria and #TeamKanye/Kim.
Victoria’s like “what if he’s my match and he thinks I’m a fat, ugly bitch?” And Franny’s like “he’s not your match.” SOOOOOO…. No comment on the fat ugly thing? Friendship is weird in this house.
Victoria is crying again saying how she wants to die alone. She and John need to date #drama. God, I haven’t been this angry with a reality show since Juan Pablo’s season of The Bachelor. YOU AND CLARE HAD SEX, JUAN PABLO. YOU CANNOT JUST BLAME HER. PULL THE SOCCER BALL OUT OF YOUR ASSHOLE.
Nicole’s like “I’m not scared! I get to show Prosper that I’m a big girl and I’ll just dive right into it!” Sounds like she’s telling him she’s ready for anal.
Kaylen’s like “THIS DATE IS ABOUT ME.” Kaylen is me on every date ever.
Nicegirl is like “This one time, at band camp, I loved someone and he broke my heart.” So now she doesn’t love anymore. This would be a sad story, if it also wasn’t the fucking plotline of every shitty romance novel ever.
Prosper is like “Yo, I think I could be your match!” and they start making out. Holy shit, am I just now noticing how goddam sexy Prosper is? How drunk have I been all season???
My mom, drinking her wine: He looks like the rugged boy on the other side of tracks and she’s like a Virgin Mary…. Tale as old as time.
So, yeah. We’re drunk.
Kaylen is like yelling at Gio—“why would you say you wanna knock me up and then bounce?” This is a very colorful argument right now. So much slang is being used that I can barely keep up.
She just wants to know why he dropped her so quick and he’s like “PUSSY RULES EVERYTHING AROUND ME”. Kaylen’s like “if it’s no match I’m moving the fuck on.” Well duh, I would hope so.
THE TRUTH BOOTH
Everyone voted for Kaylen and Gio, because obviously.
Gio is like “we’re not good for each other” and starts talking about science and yelling about his life experience. Honestly Gio sounds like someone that your parents warn you about when you’re younger to avoid. “See that crazy man in the street yelling about science? Don’t look at him. Keep a strong grip on your keys, just in case you need to protect yourself.”
Everyone is like “do you have a point to your existence rn?” Damn Gio, homelessness changed you.
As expected, Gio and Kaylen go to the truth booth. She looks so happy and he looks like he would rather go back to his cardboard box than live in Hawaii with this girl.
The results come in—
NO MATCH. HOLY SHIT MY JAW JUST DROPPED.
Julia’s like “they were never a beam and they sat together every time.” The girl who thinks we all inhabit a seasoning is correct: they’ve been fucking up the whole time.
Everyone is shocked and Kaylen’s like “WOOOHOOO time to get some dick in my life!” Gio’s like “I wasted your time,” and she’s like “yeah, actually you fucking did. Whip em’ out boys!”
Gio is like “I’M FREE” and then immediately is like, “hmmm time for a threesome!” Like anyone in their right mind would fuck you on this show. Dream big.
Alyssa and Sam are now freaking out that they may not be a match and Waterboy/Sam’s like “IT’S ALL ABOUT POSITIVE ENERGY!!!” And hydration. H2O Baby!
Gio gets hammered, starts pointing at Camille’s nipples, because why not? Camille’s like “please stop”, and he tells her he isn’t a match with Kaylen and to shut the fuck up. Didn’t they teach you manners at your shelter? Surely you had to wait your turn while getting your soup?
Everyone is like “you disgust me.” DITTO Y’ALL.
Tori, Julia and Stephen are trying to figure this shit out and this is truly the blind leading the blind.
TORI: Time to strategize!
JULIA: Isn’t that a kind of soy sauce?
They want to switch up Kaylen, Alyssa and Julia, because by doing so, they prove that the other two beams last week were Alyssa/Sam and Stephen/Julia. Interesting strategy Cotton, let’s see how it works out for them.
Kaylen is like “shit I need to catch up and talk to other people” so she starts flirting with Tyler. Because they don’t look like twins or anything.
My Mom: Who is that guy? Where has he been all season? Did he just take a break to go surfing for the last 3 weeks? And why does he look homeless? Is that the theme for this season?
It’s fucking chaos in my household right now. THESE ARE THE IMPORTANT QUESTIONS WE SHOULD BE ASKING.
THE MATCH UP CEREMONY
The girls are switching shit up, hoping it’s not a blackout.
Bagel is up first—she picks Cam. Ryan asks Cam about the hookup with Victoria and he’s like, “well I don’t remember anything because my brain is only the size of a squirrel’s so retaining information is not my strong suit. Yeehaw.”
Gio and Asaf laugh because they are assholes while Victoria nails the most crucial eyeroll. Seriously, she’s got that shit down to an art.
Victoria starts crying because she’s like “wow, thanks for making me feel like shit Cam.” If it makes you feel any better Victoria, at least you know how much of a jackass he is now. Better learn now than someday end up knocked up in a double wide trailer.
Victoria picks Prosper and everyone is like, “she’s supposed to pick John!!!” Can’t you see she’s hurt rn, CAN SHE LIVE???
Ryan asks about Nicegirl Nicole and Prosper is like “yeah Nicole was great, but I don’t think I like her.” So homelessness and all the dudes being huge dicks is the theme to this show. Got it.
Nicegirl Nicole starts crying and is like “Sister Maria said this would happen if I left the convent!”
Here’s the thing boys—it’s not necessarily WHAT you’re saying, it’s HOW you’re saying it. Couldn’t you tell people that you don’t like them to their face in private instead of in front of the whole group? THIS ISN’T ROCKET SCIENCE. Or Cam, in your case, THIS ISN’T BASIC MULTIPLICATION.
Prosper is like “I didn’t know I was leading her on” which is like saying “oh I didn’t know the sun makes things warm.” YOU TOLD HER YOU LIKED HER. AND THEN SAID YOU DIDN’T. Omg I need a drink.
Nicegirl Nicole realizes being a nice girl fucking sucks. We welcome you to the Dark Side whenever you’re ready. Prosper was like “I fucked up” and Ryan’s like “FUCKING DUHHH.” I live for Ryan’s shade.
Kaylen picks Tyler, because it’s the only other dude she has spoken to. So obvi.
Nicole picks Stephen and is like “sorry Julia”. He’s like “ugh this sucks because I like Julia!!!” Dude we get it. You like Julia. We understand. Fuck, give it a rest.
Camille picks Asaf, who thankfully hasn’t been very vocal this episode. Way up, I feel #blessed.
Alyssa picks Sam. I always knew the lesbians would last the longest on this show.
Julia picks Morgan, which is random AF.
Tori’s like “all these girls are morons”. Well they didn’t cast you because you’re all fucking geniuses.
Tori picks John aka Mr. Grumpy Gills.
Victoria does not look happy with that. I have this theory that her and John are hooking up….and if you shaved her head she looks like a British man.
Gio and Franny are last, because they both suck.
Gio’s like “I THINK I LIKE CAMILLE BECAUSE BOOBIES.” He says “sometimes Camille doesn’t wear a bra and I notice.” When has that ever been a romantic thing to say?
GIO: Hey girl I see your nipples could cut diamonds right now and I’m just sayin’, we should date.
Camille’s like “hold the fucking phone that’s not okay to me or to Kaylen.” Gio’s like “HEY I CAN SAY WHATEVER I WANT, this is America! Make America Disgusting Again!”
Mom: Where does MTV do casting calls? The Goodwill? *drinks wine* I mean, Jesus Christ.
They clap when they match up and Gio’s like SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU FAKE FUCKS. Cameron and Mikala are like “see this is why I don’t give money to bums”.
FYI my mom and I paused the show at this point to talk about how Cameron and Mikala would have adorable babies. Actual quote from my drunk mom: “She’s got the whole, like, exotic thing going for her.” THERE YA HAVE IT FOLKS.
Will they pull a Cam and blackout? Idk I could see it. At least they’ll remember getting fucked—right Cam?
They only get four total—AGAIN. Womp womp.
Ryan’s like “your perfect match is here, you just need to find them”—uh ya, we know, that’s the whole premise to the game.
Cam’s like “we need to treat the women like they deserve to be treated” Says the dude who had a blackout lay and was a total dick about it. Pot, meet kettle.
My Mom: These people are a disgrace. I’m going to bed.