Fresh off getting 2/10 matches, the group is celebrating because they didn’t get a blackout. Some would call this optimism, I would call it being a dipshit. They decided to get drunk, because as Devin puts it “we fucking suck!” Cheers to that.
Kayla goes up to Connor and slaps the shit out of him. He’s like, are you forreal rn bitch? And Kayla’s like, what? You can’t take a little slap to the face, pussy? Connor must say “you laid a hand on me!” like 40 times and I’ve taken a shot for every one of them. The castmates may not be trying to blackout tonight, but I sure am.
Chelsey is like “Kayla you’re obviously the youngest girl in this house, your lack of maturity shows it.” And Chelsey can say this because she is an aspiring psychologist who has seen the movie “Charlie Bartlett” like 5 times. She knows her shit, okay?!
Kayla is like “I hope they leave the house, #teamKayla” Idk if starting your own support hashtag is how it works but okay.
Chuck apologizes to Hannah for not defending her and Hannah is like, okay twist my arm- fine, you can get a second chance. But we all know the old saying about how this is going to go: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you end up on MTV.
Chuck and Hannah go to the boom-boom room and have a nice forgiveness fuck to make things official.
Ryan Devlin, the host who probably still gets carded at bars, explains the game. Ryan is like “you need to prove you love someone” and in order to find love they are going to eat shit to test their stomach tolerance and gag reflexes. This is what fairytales are made of.
It’s a girls only challenge because duh, gag reflexes, right? #feminism
Winner will choose their date and the second place person’s date, which is like, a big deal I guess.
Rashida is like “I need to win this game” and compares herself to her phoenix tattoo because “when you fall you rise up from the ashes.” I’m sure the symbol of the phoenix wasn’t thought up with an MTV dating show in mind, Rashida.
Also, last week chuck called Britni a mermaid, and this week Rashida is a phoenix? Get your head out of fantasyland, AYTO cast. This isn’t Narnia. I’d like to be pimps from Oakland or cowboys from Arizona but it’s not Halloween. Grow up, Peter Pan! Count Chocula!
Kiki is wondering what kind of food they’ll eat, but all this thinking is making her brain hurt.
Kiki: I think it’s going to be the butt of something. Because, like, I heard somewhere that you gotta eat the booty like grocery.
The first dish is dead squid and Zak/Bae is the first one to get it- that’s basically just not-fried calamari. They don’t even have to eat it, they just have to stick their hands in it to find golf balls. They are all crying and Melanie is the only person who is like “fuck it I’m doing it.”
8 of them pass, Britni not being one of them.
Britni: “I can bait a fishing pole but I can’t dig through Squid. My momma will be so disappointed.” I’m sure it’s not the first time. She acts like she’s about to tell her mom she dropped out of college or got pregnant. #hickprobs
Next dish is hot sauce and pigs feet. Tyler says where he’s from, that’s a snack. Where I’m from we eat fruit like normal fucking people, but ok Tyler. Sorry, I don’t think you’re my match.
They either have to drink 5 shots of hot sauce or eat all the pigs feet and Rashida eats pigs feet like they are fucking running away from her while all the boys watch in disgust. Melanie, Kayla and Chelsey follow up, downing hot sauce like it’s nbd.
Finally, they are onto the next challenge, which is bobbing for apples in fish chum. Which is a metaphor for these idiots’ past relationships- mostly shit, with moments of being healthy. Wooooah, I’m drunk.
Chelsey wins. But are you really winning? You’re sticking your whole face in chum. Our versions of winning are way different. Real winning is fun, you guys should try it!
Rashida is literally taking a bowl of fish guts to the face and crying into it. I can’t make this shit up, goddammit I love reality TV. Chelsey is giving her pro tips. It’s like okay, she gets one fucking apple in her mouth and suddenly she’s a goddamn professional.
Melanie is like imma be the bigger person for the crying fish bitch in the corner and starts cheering on Rashida, giving Rashida the pity push she needs to carry on, rise from her metaphorical ashes, and get the apple. #Phoenix
Chelsey picks Connor, obviously. And she also picks Nelson to go on a date with Rashida. Kind of a random choice, but what do I care anymore.
Do Connor and Chelsey realize that they are only a match because Austin manipulated them into believing it? Also, #tbt to Austin, one of the many mythical creatures on this show.
Back at the house, Zak/bae is showing Cheyenne his butt and raving about her pasta making skills. They are flirting heavily until Nelson comes in and just starts sucking Cheyenne’s face. Subtlety, thy name is Nelson Waynes. No one likes a cock block, Nelson. Zak wants to have a chat with Nelson about this whole thing and I have high hopes that this will not work out at all.
The date is hover-surfboarders, because everyone is taking this “Back to The Future” Day a little too fucking seriously.
Rashida: “Do Sharks live in this water?” You and Cheyenne should form a “don’t know shit about the ocean” club. Or like, read a fucking book.
Connor is excited about being with Chelsey because she’s a page-turner…. Okay, I can’t tell if he’s comparing her to a piece of literature or if that’s some weird sex thing.
Nelson and Rashida talk and laugh and it’s all gravy until Nelson is basically like, yeah I still like Cheyenne. Oh for the love of god, Nelson.
Connor is like “Chelsey your career makes you special”, except he pronounces it “caraaaaar.” Does anyone else notice he says career weird? Like he had a stroke halfway through the word? Whatever. More important, she’s not a fucking psychologist yet, buddy. It’s not her caraaaaaar yet. Does nobody fucking see that? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!
Connor: “Wealth shouldn’t be measured by the amount in your bank account, but how you affect people” What is this? The Fault in Our Stars? Stop getting your fucking pick-up lines off Pinterest, Conner.
Chelsey is like, yeah the conversation is really flowing. Well fucking duh, Connor has just been complimenting you the whole time.
While the date is happening, Zak/bae decides to grow a pair, mostly because Nelson isn’t close enough to kick his ass, and kisses Cheyenne. Cheyenne goes all Mia Thermopolis and has her first real foot-popping kiss.
The house decides to scramble together and find some brain cells, or Austin just told them all to do it because he’s the only smart one, and vote in Chelsey and Connor.
Take a shot for every time you see Austin. You be so sober you’ll feel damn near Morman. Austin, you’re fine though. If MTV won’t love you, I will.
Everyone is like THIS NEEDS TO BE A MATCH and I agree. I’m nervous right now. I’m sweating. Why am I sweating? Oh that’s right, I’m fucking hammered.
The results are in and…. IT’S A PERFECT MATCH. MIRACLES EXIST.
I imagine Austin somewhere in the distance aggressively whispering to himself “you did it Austin, you did it.” Connor and Chelsey are pumped and Kayla is like, “this sucks, Connor has my heart.” That’s weird because like 20 minutes ago you were domestically abusing him. Love is a battlefield I guess.
Cheyenne starts talking to Nelson and is like yo, it’s been a good run but I’m now seeing the white guy with long surfer hair. Cheyenne tells him about her kiss with Zak and Nelson has a full on BF.
Nelson: I’m going to write a letter! Dear Mister Zak/Bae, I am a black man, living in America….
Nelson’s roid rage is in full effect now and he’s slamming his hands on the table and throwing shit like a fucking child. He’s about two seconds away from challenging Zak to a dance off to Run-DMC music (if you’re wondering, I can make White Chicks jokes ALL FUCKING DAY) but then decides to slam his fist into a door, almost hitting Britni. I mean, I’m obviously opposed to hitting girls, but if you had to “accidently” almost hit one, I would say Brit was a decent choice.
Chuck’s like “Nelson, bro, get over it she’s not your match, go be with other women” and then immediately starts hanging out with Britni, who is not his match. LOL. Britni has barely recovered from her dramatic near death experience with Nelson, and starts flirting with Chuck. Nothing gets Brit hornier than almost getting a black eye.
The worst line of the night is from Britni when she says “your name is Chuck and I’m going to call you Chuckles.” Oh, go bait a goddamn fishing hook Britni.
She continues one with this very forward exchange and is like “WE’D HAVE GREAT SEX” and it’s like, who says that. Ever? If a guy said that to me, I’d be looking up his name on Megan’s List like, immediately.
Hannah sees this whole exchange happening and is like, woah. You fooled me again, Chuck (saw that coming). Devin and Kiki, who are actually likeable this episode (sign #1 that I’m hammered) console Hannah, as Chuck and Britni get it on outside.
I mean that seriously. They have sex outside in front of fucking everyone. YOU’VE COMPLETELY RUINED THE SANCTITY OF THE BOOM-BOOM ROOM. I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY.
The next morning Chuck is like, oh shit. I fucked up. He compares himself to an imaginary thing AGAIN and that’s it, all my wine is gone. Time for vodka.
Chuck: Ohhh yeah did I mention that I have cheated on a bunch of people? I’m like Peter Pan. Except I would have hit and quit it with Wendy and left her on that pirate ship to go fuck Tiger Lilly.
Chuck goes to apologize to Hannah and Hannah is like, hey bro, go fuck yourself. YES HANNAH, YES BITCH.
THE MATCH CEREMONY
The guys wear all black and the girls wear white. The girls are wearing white because they are angels and the boys are wearing black because it’s “Chuck’s funeral”. *cough, cough, assholes, cough
It’s girl’s choice and Melanie goes first. She picks Hunter, who thank God has kept his inbred mouth shut this episode.
Britni is up next. Ry Dev is like “Britni, how is getting over Chuck?” And she’s like, ehhh pretty easy actually, I just got under him instead.
Ryan, bless his innocent soul, is like “oh boom-boom room?” and that’s when Hannah LOSES IT. She starts mocking Chuck and calling him a piece of shit and it’s fan-fucking-tastic. Lolz, eat a dick Chuckles.
Brit picks Magic Mike, who needs to get back on the show, I miss his abs. #hammered
Stacey picks Alec. Alec is like WHY YOU SO OBSESSED WITH MEEEE?? And we’re all at home like…. No seriously, he’s not that great, you should move on with someone else. Do you wanna talk about your obsession, Stacey? Chelsey over there is like 5 years away from her PhD, she can really help you.
Kayla picks Zak/bae, essentially fucking Cheyenne over. Whoops.
Rashida is like, the weave is gone and so is my stupid fucking crush on Devin. Rashida picks Nelson.
Cheyenne up next, and if you’ve seen our exclusive clip, you know that she fucking goes innnnnn on the boys. Her and Hannah should just run away together at this point. Y’all would be beautiful, #lovewins.
Cheyenne picks Devin and Devin is wearing cheetah leggings. I knew he was gay! I fucking knew it. My roommate owes me ten dollars.
Hannah is up next and picks Austin. Austin is either a ghost or a figment of my imagination at this point.
Kiki picks Chuck out of pity. Ryan is like, “Kiki is Chuck your perfect match?” and Kiki is like, hmmmm, hopefully not because I don’t want my perfect match to be a complete dick.
Kiki: If I wanna make partner by the time I’m thirty, I’m gonna need a match that’s not a complete bonehead
That leaves Tyler and Freckles. (Because Connor and Chelsey are gone, fucking keep up.)
Everyone is freaking out, though statistically speaking this has to work out better than the previous ones, right? Like in a numeric sense, they can only fuck this up so many goddam times.
NOPE. I WAS WRONG. I WAS TOTALLY WRONG.
They get one match. Ryan drops some common sense and is like, maybe if you actually tried to get to know new people instead of dicking around with the same people, you’d win. Idk, just throwing that perfectly logical thought out there.
Tyler and Hunter, the resident nice guys of the house, are like PLAY WITH YOUR HEARTS YOU GUYS!!!!! And no offense you two, but go wax your vaginas, you’re starting to get a lil too feminine for me.
Hunter tries to explain something but then loses his train of thought midsentence, per fucking usual.
Hunter: If we play with our hearts again and again and again then we, uh, yeehaw?