We come back after another disappointing, but totally expected shitty match up meeting to find the group trying to psych themselves up. Britni and Hunter are like WE NEED TO COME TOGETHER and it’s like, okay this isn’t Footloose you country bumpkins.
Hunter: We have made progress!
Austin: We literally have not done a single thing different.
They are hanging out by the pool and Devin is hooking up with Kiki, per usual. They go to have sex and it’s obviously shitty because afterwards Kiki literally says “uh, did you forget about me?”
Devin swears he is “a sexual person” and its like, do you like sex or are you good at it? Because there is a huge difference. 12-year-old boys call themselves “sexual people” and they only have experience with their right hand.
Magic Mike and Stacey are talking to Kiki and she’s like, look, I know I am a superb fucker. It’s not me, it’s Devin. I like how weeks of Devin treating her like trash is nbd, but being a shitty lay is the real deal breaker. Kiki is like “I just want one good guy, who can fuck all the time.” LOL take a fucking number.
Devin: *having sex with Kiki*
Spongebob voice: TEN YEARS LATER
Kiki: Uhhh….. are you gonna make me orgasm anytime soon?
Ryan Devlin, who has been reading my recaps and obviously dyed his grey hair, decides to fuck over the girls yet again this week. Why do the girls get the shit challenges and the boys get puzzles? Anyway, this week the girl’s exes are coming, oh goodie. Britni and Chey are like FUCKKKKK THIS, which obviously means their exes are gonna be there.
The ex’s will come and air dirty laundry and the boys have to decide which personal tidbit belongs to which girl. That seems not intrusive and creepy at all. The guys have to throw a ring on a pole with the girl’s name on it in order to win. The last three dudes to go through 4 rounds of exes get a date.
Britni’s ex comes up first and is like “she loves attention, etc” and it’s like, we know. We’re on episode 8, buddy. Britni is like IKNOWTHATSWHYIBROKEUPWITHYOU,YOUSTUPIDASSBITCH. Was that a sentence or an Iggy Azelea verse? She sounds like Donnie from the Wild Thornberrys. Breathe Britni.
Everyone figures out really quickly that it’s Britni’s ex because he sounds like a hick and Britni is like the definition of an attention whore. It doesn’t take a fucking genius to figure that out. Even Hunter understands it.
Hunter secretly loves Britni’s ex. Hunter is like MY BROTHAAAA. How are the cows back at home? They still mooing?
Zak and Devin are eliminated- because Devin has a vagina and couldn’t get the ring on the pole and Zak/Bae lost because….well…. there was a lot of wind, ok?
Next dude is like not cute at all and is Stacey’s ex? Stacey girl, I’m disappointed. He basically says she’s a one-man kind of girl, and Alec is like MUST BE STACEY CAUSE ALL THESE OTHER GIRLS ARE WHORES.
Magic Mike and Tyler are out, womp womp. Alec is like Stacey’s ex said she is really nice...Maybe I should give her a chance. SHE HAS LITERALLY BEEN NICE THE WHOLE TIME YOU ARMADILLO LOOKING MOTHER FUCKER.
Next is Cheyenne’s ex-boyfriend of SIX YEARS. YOOOO, that’s heavy. He says that he basically would be around all the time, so you better get used to j chillin with the ex all the time.
Alec is out because IT’S ALEC, DUH.
Amanda’s ex is next and he’s like “She’s crazy AF” and everyone is like, AMANDA. How much of a psycho do you have to be to get a reaction like that out of everyone? Color me impressed.
It’s down to Nelson, Austin, Chuck and Hunter. Austin is like I WANT A FUCKING DATE, FUCK CHUCK HE ALWAYS DATES GIRLS. BRUTUS IS JUST AS CUTE AS CAESAR, BRUTUS IS JUST AS POPULAR AS CAESAR.
In the end, Austin, Nelson, Hunter- aka Casper the Ghost, Marlon Waynes, and Dukes of Hazzard- win.
The exes are introduced and Brit’s ex thinks Hunter would be a match for Britni because they both have a 5th grade education and like to churn their own butter. He’s shocked to learn that it’s Chuck. Chuck is like “bro, I’m an upgrade” and honestly Chuck, I would shut your mouth dude. This guy is like 6 times your size and would crush your Volcom ass with his pinky.
Hunter picks Amanda to go on a date because she “laughs at him” not with him, of course.
Nelson picks Kiki, because they’ve been matched together so many times that they might as well just fucking date at this point.
Austin picks Kayla and Kayla is like, he could be my match. We’re both materialistic AF. I appreciate that. Better than Chuck and Britni who are like, WE BOTH LIKE WATER.
Their date is fishing and Hunter starts crying on the spot and creaming his pants on national television. I paused the show to write this down and Hunter has a face of pure vinegar strokes- look it up on urban dictionary if you don’t get it.
Everyone goes home and Magic Mike goes to talk to Amanda about trying to open herself up more to Hunter. She’s like, ehhhhh probs not. I can’t blame her. Hunter can’t hang with those city folk, with all their wireless internet and regular showering.
A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS: DEVIN AND KIKI’S SHIT RELATIONSHIP
Meanwhile, everyone is giving Devin shit about how Kiki basically said he is terrible in bed- still lolling about that btw. Devin goes on the hardcore defensive and is like DO YOU THINK I GIVE A SHIT?! Well, you should because it’s now on national television. You’re officially nothing. Now I don’t even want to hate fuck you, Devin.
Alec and Austin, compensating for the fact that they have yet to get laid, confront Devin about his shitty treatment of Kiki. They’re like SHE DOESN’T DESERVE THE TREATMENT YOU GIVE HER.
And Devin is like, kinda rightfully pissed and says “UH YOU TOLD EVERYONE ABOUT OUR SEX LIFE.” He conveniently forgets to mention that she told everyone he fucking sucks… but I’ll mention it now for him. HEY EVERYONE, DEVIN SUCKS IN BED!!!!!!!
Real Quote by Kiki: “I need someone who can fuck, America.” Look, America doesn’t give a shit about your problems Kiki. Don’t bring this great and majestic land into your sexual endeavors. I’m sure your parents are so proud.
Kiki is like “I tried to make you feel special and you never do it for me” which is code for “he doesn’t reciprocate oral sex.” Kiki and Devin start screaming at each other over who has been a bigger asshole in their relationship. He’s like “You told our secrets!” and she’s like “You called me a whore!”
Devin: You aired out our dirty laundry!
Kiki: Aired out or dirty laundry? Made out with a hotdog? That was one time!
Austin is like hey, you guys are fuckwads and literally Hunter has had a healthier relationship with his huntin’ dog. You guys suck. Austin might as well be the MTV Dr. Phil.
Last week they rode horses and this week is fishing? Hunter is in his wettest dreams rn.
Kiki is like, the ocean is my life and I need someone who enjoys it with me. Unless you are a professional surfer or a marine biologist or idk, an actual fucking fish, the ocean is NOT YOUR LIFE. STOP IT WITH YOUR OBSESSION WITH THE FUCKING OCEAN. I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE.
Nelson is like, nahhhh the ocean sucks and I get why he feels that way. I have seen amputees swim with more grace than Nelson. Kiki is like ugh, Nelson doesn’t like the ocean. Will you be okay, Kiki? I know the ocean is your whole entire life. Do you need me to call a fucking doctor?
Kayla and Austin seem like they’re having fun, even though Kayla is like way too hot for him. Kayla has low key grown on me these last few episodes, because she’s really just a bitchy girl trying to live in a world with a bunch of fucking morons. It’s my everyday struggle.
Hunter and Amanda are sitting about 20 feet away from each other on a log, attempting to have a shred of attraction towards each other. Hunter is like I NEED TO CRACK HER EXTERIOR AND SEE IF SHE IS VULNERABLE. Say crack again. Crack.
The group gets ready for the truth booth, and even though I think they should have sent in Kayla and Austin, they send in Kiki and fucking Nelson. Why? Because they are “both obsessed with their looks”, therefore the perfect match. What? Because they both like to be hygienic, unlike Chuck over there, they must be a match?
Kiki is already bitching about Nelson and his dislike for the water and he’s like fuck, please don’t make me have to match with this girl. Dating Kiki sounds about as pleasant as getting your nipples cut off with a fucking box cutter. IT JUST SOUNDS REALLY PAINFUL OKAY.
Kayla is like if Kiki and Nelson are a match, I will apologize to everyone for calling you morons. Which reminds me a lot of my friend Kevin, who once said that if this white rapper we know from high school ever wins a Grammy, he will literally eat dog shit on Youtube. Kayla and Kevin, making all these extravagant promises.
Everyone is freaking out and it’s like LOL THEY AREN’T A MATCH. Kayla is like I FUCKING TOLD YOU, YOU STUPID LITTLE PRICKS.
Nelson is like fuck, I liked Kiki, whereas Kiki is like I knew it wasn’t you Nelson, because you don’t like water. Well, let’s hope Tyler, Mike or Alec likes water because they’re all Kiki has left. And water is the essence of beauty, and beauty is the essence of life.
Too bad Alec is like, wait I kinda like Stacey now. I have been in multiple car accidents (not my fault) and have never gotten whiplash this badly. Alec make up your damn mind, you virginal manchild.
He is taking to Stacey and they have a romantic talk, that’s shockingly not about food, and Alec is like LET’S BE TOGETHER. Wow, that was quick. Now they are suddenly in love and making out. Stacey, WHY? WHY STACEY? YOU CAN DO BETTER.
Mike and Amanda are flirting and it’s like, okay it’s week 8, time to move on. Mike and Amanda go to the boom-boom room, and Amanda apologizes to her Dad for acting like a sloot on television. Finally, someone acknowledges they are shitty children.
Also, it’s worth mentioning that Tyler has gotten over Mel’s boring ass and now thinks him and Cheyenne might be a match.
THE MATCH CEREMONY
It’s the boy’s choice this week, which means things are going to be exceptionally fucked up.
Magic Mike is first and dresses like a gay cowboy, clearly borrowing Hunter’s favorite outfit. Mike picks Melanie, and Melanie is like WTF, Mike I literally don’t even know you. He tries to act like they have so much in common and she’s like WHAT? Everyone at home is like WHAT? This whole fucking show can be summed up into one word: WHAT?
So that’s 1/3 people that could be matched with Kiki, GONE.
Hunter picks Britni because, let me guess, she’s Southern. WE GET IT.
Alec picks Stacey, calling her Mom and everyone is like AWWWW. Damn you guys must really hate your fucking parents.
That’s 2/3 people that could be matched with Kiki, GONE. Things are looking a little more retarded than usual, folks.
Tyler comes up, and remember, he’s the last possible match for Kiki. He has one job. One fucking job. And what does he do? HE PICKS CHEYENNE.
Everyone flips the fuck out. Kiki, how does it feel to know these dudes would rather lose 750,000 dollars then fucking sit next to you for 10 minutes at a match up? Tyler’s like KIKI I DON’T FUCKING KNOW YOU. Tyler, that’s a great excuse and all, but I would literally sit next to an axe murderer for 10 minutes in order to win money. Take your noble “follow your heart shit” and shove it up your asshole dude.
So, I guess we can kiss this match-up goodbye.
Chuck picks Amanda, which is like whatever.
Devin picks Rashida, and Rashida loses her shit on everyone. New weave, new me.
Zak/Bae picks Hannah, who is also bae. Bae-ception?
Nelson chooses Kayla, because he kinda has too.
And Austin gets stuck with Kiki, walking out to no applause.
They don’t get a blackout and everyone is like- must be Alec and Stacey. I think they’re actually right and I totally think Alec and Stacey are a match, as much as it hurts my soul for poor Stace.
They got another 3 out of 10 and everyone starts laughing, because at this point it’s just a big joke. I feel like I’ve been tuning into one exceptionally long prank- kinda like the Donald Trump campaign.
Ryan is like are you for real, figure this shit out. We only have two more weeks, and one more long fucking episode.
That’s right, next week is the season finale and it’s 2 fucking hours long. Prepare for half your brain cells to die. I know what you’re thinking- how am I going to survive without these genius recaps? Don’t worry, I’m sure MTV will supply a new shit TV show and beg me to recap it. I practically invented them, you know?