We’re back with this fresh crop of hot idiots celebrating the fact that they got 3 matches last episode. Don’t worry, they’re still predominantly brain dead.
Tyler is like, yo I feel like shit because I was picked last and sounded like an asshole. Astute observation there, buddy. And Stephen goes “well no one looked worse than John” LOLZ TRUUUU.
They compare him to a little kid who got his bike stolen while John is pounding shots and is ranting about how he hates a woman for making a decision. Women are good for two things according to John: doing dishes, and shutting the fuck up.
Also John, you need better hair gel dude. You have spiked male bangs straight out of a 90’s stoner comedy. Get your shit together, it’s embarrassing.
The whole plot of this episode:
JOHN: I’M IN LOVE WITH JULIA
She says she doesn’t like John’s cheesy shit and Julia, I light-weight am starting to like you. Don’t fuck this up.
The cast members are talking about movies and Sam says he loves High School Musical, Nick Sparks and Twilight. Sam, you and I would have been best friends in 7th fucking grade. Seriously dude, when did you get your period?
He gets all excited about the fact that they are making a fourth movie with NOT EVEN THE ORIGINAL CAST, but whatever. He’s damn near beating it off to Troy Bolton at this point. Sam’s balls clearly have not dropped yet—or this is like his whole plan on getting girls.
He refers to himself as the not-gay best friend who interrupts the “GNO”. I’ve never heard anyone call a girl’s night out a “GNO” since Hannah Montana released a song about it. All of this proves that Sam has been in the friendzone his whole life.
He’s like “most people think I’m a cocky surfer but like, I’m so #TeamEdward!” Good thing Alyssa is secretly a lesbian and is allllll about Sam. There might be hope for you yet, Gay Bar (Sam’s new nickname).
Gay Bar said he’s only had sex with two girls, Alyssa’s like hmmm, so boom-boom room, or nah? Either way, Alyssa is into it hardcore. She’s def drinkin’ whatever they’re serving at the gay bar. And TBH I would friendzone the shit out of Sam, but like, would def love to drink wine and shit talk with him. Sam hit me up girlfran, let’s watch Chasing Liberty and talk about Nick Jonas.
Basically there are a bunch of facts about the castmates hidden under a bunch of flavored paste and they need to lick, as couple, find the fact, and match it to the cast member. The deliciousness is as follows: Tomato Paste, Spicy Paste, Peanut Butter, and Fish Paste. It’s that new hip all paste cleanse diet.
Julia and John pair up, everyone is like Dafaq? Tall Cameron picks Mikala, and he’s v into it.
Some fun facts about this group are:
Mikala has a fake ass…. Interesting. Not judging, at least she can admit it *looking at you Kim Kardashian*
Kaylen also broke a guy’s penis… say a prayer for Gio, y’all.
Tori used yogurt as lube? Because she believes in being organic? Who is she having sex with? Trader Joe?
Mikayla is like “Cameron and I are really doing well!!!” and they immediately get one wrong. *drinks glass of wine and whispers to myself* fucking morons.
Hiker bro Morgan and Nicegirl Nicole win, after Morgan explains how he’s awesome, but like, depending on your connotation or denotation of awesome. If you don’t know what that means, Morgan does. Hey Morgan, maybe the reason no one wants to fuck you is because you sound like a condescending SAT tutor.
Also, your square head looks like a Lego player—ergo, you look like a Lego player. Connotate that, dickwad.
John and Julia get second place, ew.
Bagel (Emma) is like “this always happens. Guys always pick other girls, but like, when they get their heartbroken, they come back to me.” That’s like, the definition of settling. Morgan’s great with definitions, he can explain further.
There was a tie between Gay Bar/Alyssa (#LoveWIns) and Francesca/Asaf and it comes down to timing—so Asaf and Franny win. Franny is “excited to hang out with Asaf”—that’s the first and last time any girl will say that on this show.
John is like, send me to the truth booth with Julia because I love her and that’s not a bad idea. Just because I love watching people be wrong on national television. So do it. Fucking send them. I dare you.
Prosper is like, uh I thought you were just lusting? Like when is this “love” thing happening? And John is like “NO, DUDE IT’S LOVE! ANYONE ELSE HERE BORN IN LOUISIANA?” How fucking funny would it be if someone was like “well, actually Tori’s born in Louisiana…”
Stephen, who is this season’s bae so far, NAILS IT: “Her name is Julia! She’s 22! She’s from the South!…..And I like her!” Where does John get this shit? Who are his love mentors? Michael Kelso from That 70’s Show?
John literally says, “I guarantee we have mutual friends on Facebook!” Okay dude, this is the whole state of Louisiana, not some liberal arts school. Even if you did have these mutual friends, do you know how many fucking people I hate that I’m friends with on Facebook? I only follow them to monitor their excessive weight gain or to laugh at their Donald Trump statuses.
The girls are like, “Julia, you’re leading people on” and she’s like, “I have a hard time being a bitch.” WELL FIGURE IT THE FUCK OUT HOMEGIRL.
Mikala is like, “I pretty much only like Cameron” and proceeds to shit talk Asaf and Morgan. She has been given the stamp of approval in my book.
Also, upon further review, Mikala, that ass—worth every penny. As my sweet grandmother used to say: If you don’t got it, buy it. And that’s the story of how my grandma go a boob job at age 63. The end.
Asaf asks Franny to cuddle in the boom-boom room, and we all know what he really means.
Franny: If you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.
Asaf: Well the funny thing about my back Franny, is that it’s located on my cock.
Franny is like really into Asaf, which makes me think she like, really needs counseling. They go into the boom-boom room and Franny quickly discovers that Asaf’s Rosetta Stone never taught him the English meaning of the word “cuddling”, so she pumps the brakes.
Asaf legit gets mad and goes into full on creep mode: “I boy, you girl. We do things, hehe.” And proceeds to guilt trip the fuck out of Franny. He’s like, “all the girls wanna talk, and it’s like the opera show.” Okay, yeah but IT’S ALSO NOT A PORN, SOOOOOO.
He’s then is like, “IF SHE DOESN’T WANT TO SLEEP WITH ME WITHIN THE FIRST FEW DAYS, SHE’S LEADING ME ON!” Oh shove it up your asshole dude. I hate Asaf. I heard he was on So You Think You Can Dance? and it’s reason #38703 why I will never watch that show.
Kaylen is like “West coast, best coast” HELL YEAH GIRL #CaliforniaOrBust. And Gio’s like, I wanna run away with Kaylen and this is all very aggressive rn.
Kaylen already dropped the “L” word—not lesbians, though I’m sure Gay Bar would be down.
THE STUPID FUCKING DATE
For this date they literally push the couples in an inflatable bubble down a fucking hill. Really MTV? Fucking really? Couldn’t even do bowling or something?
John: I’m rolling down a huge hill in an inflatable bubble with this girl I love but I barely know. This is my dream!
They really need an on-site psychologist for this show.
Asaf is still butthurt about not getting his dick wet and is like, “why don’t you trust me?” He tells Franny that he views her as a little sister, all because she didn’t want to sample his foreign goods.
John is laying it on so thick and Julia is openly cringing. LITERALLY, John is like, “I’m falling for you” and Julia is like “kill me.” Is he blind? Like can’t he see that she’s in legit physical pain?
I guess Nicegirl Nicole and Uses-Big-Words-To-Sound-Smart Morgan have a good time—no one knows, no one cares.
Of course, they pick John and Julia for the truth booth. Ah, this will be obvious.
John is like I LOVE HER And Julia is like, “you know, there are other girls in the house he could get to know.” I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH HOW LITTLE JULIA DOES NOT LIKE JOHN.
Of course—NO MATCH. RIP John.
Bagel is so happy and is like “hate to say I told you so, but…”
JOHN IS CRYING OMG. I have never honestly felt so unaffected by a dude crying. Keep those tears coming John, they are giving me the fuel I need rn.
John is pouting and Julia is trying to be nice, but is now realizing that nice-ness never solves anything. Should have read our book, Jules. They say you kill more flies with honey, but those people obviously never owned a fucking electric fly swatter.
John calls Julia the “trophy that he always wanted” and that in itself would have earned a right hook from me. Kaylen is like WTF. Stay woke, Kaylen.
Prosper starts giggling in the background, and like same, and John FLIPS OUT. Prosper is like “bruh, it’s lust” and John is like NAH LEMME PUNCH A WALL REAL QUICK. Ah yes, that’ll get the girl John! Show her how completely unhinged and violent you become when you don’t get what you want. Works every time!!!
Sam and Cam, hehehe rhymes are fun, decide to have a GNO with John to make him feel better.
Sam: Wanna watch the Twilight series?!
John: No dude I’m so fucking pissed
Sam: Oh L
John: Ugh, okay fine. But only New Moon!
Victoria is like, “John and Julia are fucking idiots”. Yes, that’s pretty much the theme of this episode. John starts yelling at Victoria and Kaylen and YO, that’s a fight I would not pick if I was you.
He’s mad because big mean Prosper laughed at him. Suck it up, you baby back bitch and go ride a pig or whatever you fucks do in Louisiana. No wait, AREN’T YOU LIVING IN NEBRASKA, JOHN? Idk what they do in Nebraska, but like, go do that.
Kaylen is like WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I AM #slaythesehoesKaylen. Gio and Kaylen to the boom-boom room to have “you almost killed a psychopathic white boy today” sex. Asaf in the distance is like “SEE, THIS IS THE CUDDLING I’M TALKING ABOUT!”
THE MATCH CEREMONY
Cam picks Julia, which is smart because then John the Incredible Hick doesn’t pick her and start Hick-Smashing everything around him. See what I did there?
Julia is like, I’m ready buckle down and fuck other dudes. Way to take one for the team, Jules.
Tyler picks Victoria.
Bae Stephen picks Tori.
Cameron picks Mikala and calls her “a craving, like burgers or chocolate”. Hmmm, a little weird but I like tall guys so I’ll overlook it.
Morgan tries to get strategic and is like “we gotta switch it up” and picks Alyssa, who was def gonna choose Sam. Morgan, you climb rocks for a living and look like a child’s toy—know your place.
Sam: This is so against the rules of feminism!
If you want to see a normal person’s reaction, watch Ryan Devlin look so blatantly confused in this moment.
Sam goes up and gives Alyssa a rose,which like, woah crossbreeding in my reality romance shows here. Also is Sam wearing nail polish….?
Sam picks Franny, and they go sit down, comparing shampoos along the way.
Prosper picks Bagel, who is wearing a two-piece outfit that totes drowns out her skin color. Black is your best friend, Casper.
Asaf picks Camille, who looks like she wants to die.
Gio picks Kaylen and they’re like, very serious. Like already talking marriage serious. Can’t tell if this is romantic or certifiably insane. Gay Bar is probs whispering to Franny rn: “omg this is so like that Nicolas Sparks movie we watched last night!!!”
You can’t even get a text back and Kaylen is talking marriage on episode 2. Let that sit.
John and Nicegirl Nicole are last. And of course, Ryan has to pick the John/Julia scab even more.
John is like, “we’re still gonna be a couple!!!” And Ryan is like, “but yeah, but like, you’re a moron” (paraphrasing).
Nicole says “if John is my match, that would be fucking stupid and I would throw myself off a bridge” (paraphrasing).
They keep showing Sam’s painted nails…. Which are the same color as Alyssa’s nails. Who needs a blood oath when you can paint each other’s nails Ocean Water Blue? Amiright?
They get one beam—so no blackout. Still not impressive but whatev.
Three. Okay, okay I see you.
And that’s it. They get 3 BEAMS.
Ah, I see we’ve hit a plateau. Interesting. I wonder how they’re gonna fuck it all up next week.
Because, mark my words, much like Morgan is an expert in connotation, I am an expert in shitty reality dating shows, and using this expertise, I know that next week they will fuck up. I could damn near write a thesis paper on this shit.
See you then y’all. You bring the wine, I’ll bring the pessimistic attitude and computer. We’ll call it: a GNO. Right Sam?