The cast is getting back to their mansion after only getting one new match. They’re like, hmmm do we suck at this? Yes. Yes, you do.
Austin is like WE NEED TO USE DEDUCTIVE REASONING and everyone is like, woah Austin please stop with all the big words. They do what they do every fucking episode after they fail miserably in the match ceremony- they drink.
Meanwhile, Chelsey and Connor are in the honeymoon suite, which looks like any normal penthouse suite except with like a smidge of rose pedals and they’re like THIS IS THE HIGH LIFE. Ugh, poor people problems.
Kayla is like “Connor is gone and now I won’t get to hear him burp and fart and do other disgusting shit. THIS IS TORTURE.” This is what people whose husbands go to war must feel like. Kayla, you less hot Mila Kunis, it’s time to build a bridge and get the fuck over it.
Chuck and Kiki are flirting (barf) and Chuck is talking straight out of his ass. Of course Kiki is blindly agreeing. At this point Chuck could say he starts fires for fun and Kiki would be like “ME TOO, CHUCK. ME TOO.”
You can tell they are both totally hammered. I feel like 90% this show the castmates are just blacked out and the other 10% is them hungover AF trying to deal with Ryan Devlin’s shit. Goes on MTV show, becomes raging alcoholic. It’s the circle of life.
Chuck: I AM SO EXCITED TO BE A DAD *eyes roll into back of his head, takes another shot* I’m sure you’ll get some rando chick pregnant soon Chuck, don’t fret. I have faith in you.
Kiki is like “I held my feelings for Chuck at bay because I have Devin and Hannah is like, my bestie, but whatever. They’ll get over it.” Kiki is like, such a good friend.
They meet Ryan on the beach and they are so excited. They’re the peppiest bunch of losers I’ve ever seen.
This week is a boys challenge, which is like ugh so boring. So the girls said something (most likely fucking stupid) and the boys have to stand behind the quote they like the most. Then they have to open a treasure chest, find a puzzle and put that shit together to see what girl it is. The winner gets an extra special prize, oh goody.
You know all their little brains are hurting over this complicated game and Austin is like THIS SHIT IS MY TIME TO SHINE.
Alec is like “I need to get Stacey in to the truth booth with me so she will leave me the fuck alone.” I want them to go so they get the match and get the fuck off my TV screen. I can only stare at Alec’s rat face so much longer.
Devin sees the quote “my first kiss was a girl” and he’s like SOLD. THAT’S MY MATCH. This is a friendly reminder to never forget that Devin is a fucking douche. You’re welcome.
Alec isn’t getting the right key and he’s getting really upset and throwing shit. It’s like, okay simmer down there you guido hulk. Stop trying to pretend like you have an ounce of testosterone.
It’s a close game but Chuck finishes first picking Kiki. Austin finishes second and gets Cheyenne. Austin is like, yo fuck these guys, they’ve gotten so much airtime, it’s my turn. Fair enough.
Nelson is like “Chey and Austin ain’t a match” YOU WOULD FUCKING KNOW NELSON.
Ry Dev’s like “Hawaii was built from volcanoes erupting and magma cooling down” and everyone is like, whoa Ryan I came here to find my match stop trying to edumicate me rn. Hunter’s dumbass barely passed 6th grade life science, he has no idea what the fuck is going on. They don’t have volcanoes out on the farm, so they must not exist.
Anyway, the whole geology lesson was given so Kiki and Chuck could learn that their “special prize” is they get a helicopter ride. They act like they were just told they’ll get to ride on a fucking magical unicorn- you can get a fucking helicopter tour off Groupon, you peasants.
Meanwhile, Austin and Cheyenne get to go to ice cream. LOLs.
Hannah immediately wants Kiki and Chuck out. She’s like “I love Kiki, even though she is like, really fake.” That’s the slyest insult of the season, Ja’mie would be so proud. But we all agree- getting Chuck and Kiki out would be killing two birds with one stone. Which ironically, is something Hunter has actually done out on the range before.
Hannah: Your make up looks really good on you, you don’t even notice your skin problems.
Ryan is like “yo, I know you’re all upset because everyone you know and love is watching you act like an asshat on television- but I’m going to make it better with an all night luau!” THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING, RYAN DEVLIN LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
Chuck and Kiki go on their stupid fucking helicopter date. Kiki is like “I can’t believe this is our life!!!” LOLz, I remember my first time doing something that cost over $100. Their “oohing” and “ahhhhing” over waterfalls because it’s the little things that excite these two.
Meanwhile, Austin and Cheyenne are on their ice cream date that from an outsider’s view looks like a really shitty tinder meetup. Seriously, Cheyenne and Austin look like they were held at gunpoint and forced to go on this date.
Austin is like, I need to open up more and meet people, and Cheyenne is like PLEASE don’t let it be me. Go meet Rashida! Rashida needs someone to love her, goddammit.
Austin tells Cheyenne about his dating flaws- which are essentially ghosting whenever he sees a trait in someone he doesn’t like. Cheyenne is like “I hate people like you, Austin.” I would agree with Cheyenne, but I can’t exactly speak from experience because I have no bad traits. It’s a blessing and curse, really.
Chuck and Kiki have and awkward picnic where they are like “I want to kiss you, but I don’t.” Oh don’t play coy Chuck, you fucked a girl last week on a goddamn park bench.
Chuck is like “I’ve been to a luau but none like this”. That’s because this isn’t a luau, it’s a fucking Hawaiian themed orgy. That’s like calling a frat house Toga Party a “celebration of Greek History.” No. It’s a party where people wear no clothes and end up having sex in the chapter room. Let’s cut the bullshit.
Zak/Bae is like “I want a girl who is down for anything” which is code for anal. Zak starts flirting with Hannah and Cheyenne is like well, this sucks. Nelson’s over there giggling to himself.
Nelson: “I knew this was gonna happen” *sips tea* “but that’s none of my business”
Hannah and Zak take a page out of Britni’s book and start being sexually forward and making out on a lawn chair. I’m sensing a theme this season- making outdoor furniture sexy.
Chuck is like “Ok, Hannah’s out so, I’m gonna flirt with Kiki” and Kiki is like “honestly, he seems like such a nice guy”. Oh Kiki. Beautiful, stupid, little Kiki. Devin is a little jealous and he’s like, I want Kiki gone. Okay Devin, don’t get your fucking panties in a knot.
Zak and Hannah decide to skinny-dip because MTV has a quota they need to meet of naked people in bodies of water per season. They make out on the beach and God is above them nodding his head in acceptance, because this is what the good lord fucking intended.
Britni goes to the bar and is like “uno mas por favor.” You realize you’re still in the United States right? Like, just because they are browner than you doesn’t mean they are Mexican.
Chuck is like “everything was going so good with Kiki, but then I remembered I’m a cheating dickfuck and got roped in by Britni”. Ugh I always hate sequels and this is just round 2 of the Britni/Chuck saga. Britni sinks her little fang-like teeth into Chuck and they start making out in front of Kiki, who is crying alone at the bar. There is so much deju vu happening rn.
Kiki: My perfect match would treat me with respect (funny, your best friend Hannah said that last week)
Kiki confronts Chuck and he’s like “Britni offered a lap dance and I couldn’t say no, I mean that’s just rude.” Kayla comes in and is like “are you being a dick, Chuck?” Does a bear shit in the woods, Kayla? Chuck leaves, probably to go find Britni and bone on an outdoor seating arrangement somewhere.
Kiki is like, well that was a bust- HEEEEEY DEVIN!! Devin way over Kiki’s shit and is like, gtfo. Kiki is fumbling on her words in order to keep Devin around
Kiki: But I like you, uh I like you so much, Dev uh please.
Meanwhile, Zak and Hannah escape to the boom-boom room where I’m sure they’re having a nice long talk about their values. The Boom-Boom room is so season two. All the cool kids fuck on the patio these days!
Also, Tyler and Melanie are actually having a heartfelt conversation without alcohol- awwww I remember the 9th grade.
Surprise, surprise. It’s Chuck and Kiki to the truth booth. Kiki might as well just move her bed to the fucking truth booth.
Devin tells Kiki “laterz baby” and they send those two fuckwads on their way. Everyone is like, “this determines the game because if they are a match then everyone else is wrong.” Ehhh, not sure it determines the game but okay.
Devin says the REAL TRUE QUOTE of the night and is like “Guys, even if they aren’t a match, I’m gonna fuck her and then destroy her.” WOAH. Someone has been playing way too much Grand Theft Auto. Everyone is like wooooah okay that escalated quickly, I mean that really got out of hand.
But then, when we learn that Chuck and Kiki AREN’T A MATCH, Devin throws a table. Where do they find all these man-child people who throw tantrums? Seriously MTV, your casting director has some issues.
The cast mates are like “we have no fucking idea what’s going on”….Yeah, we know.
Rashida tells Kiki not to talk to Devin because he said some fucked up stuff and Kiki is like, hmmmm, I’m gonna go talk to him anyway. Devin starts yelling about how he doesn’t wanna be here, he hates everyone, that he said he didn’t want salmon four times, and this TV show is horseshit!!!!
Later, all the boys are talking strategy. I’ve seen better ideas come out of a fucking kindergarten classroom. Austin, the betchy/semi-smart one out of the group, is like, yo let me handle this.
Alec tries to explain the strategy but gets distracted by some French fries in the distance and loses his train of thought. Get it together, former-fat bro.
THE MATCH-UP CEREMONY
It’s the boys choice tonight and they have a strategy cooking that I have 100% faith will fail. Don’t let me down boys.
Chuck is first and he picks Freckles/Amanda, because they are friends. LAME.
Tyler is up next and he’s like “I have this amazing connection with Mel, I like her so much!” and Ryan Devlin is like FANTASTIC!!! THE QUICKER YOU FIGURE THIS OUT, THE QUICKER I GET PAID! WHO IS YOUR MATCH?
And Tyler, whose brain cells have clearly just started dying within the past few weeks in Kona picks Hannah. SERIOUSLY. Everyone is like, wtf dude? Tyler is like, I didn’t pick Mel because we’re strategizing!!!! Yay!!!
Zak picks Kayla, since Tyler really dicked him by stealing Hanz.
Austin picks Cheyenne… because idk has Austin even spoken to any other girl?
Hunter picks Britni. Again, that whole “two bird, one stone” thing applies here.
Alec took a break from being a giant vagina and bitching about Stacey this week and actually PICKED her. They call each other “Mom and Dad” and it’s like, ew please do not insult my parents like that.
Nelson picks Kiki and Ryan Dev is like “Kiki, so far no one likes you, how do you feel?” She explains how her and Devin are over and Devin says, straight out of the notebook, “It’s not over, it was never over!”
Devin picks Rashida. Poor Rashida. #prayforRashida
Mike and Melanie are left- the stripper and the girl with daddy issues. Those go hand in hand, right?
Austin is like, God we need this otherwise everyone is going to fucking murder me. And he’s right. They probably will. Good news for Austin, they don’t get a blackout.
Bad news for Austin: THEY GET TWO MATCHES. Sleep with an eye open, Austin.
They are six episodes in and have yet to break 5 matches. Thank god you all are pretty, cause you sure ain’t smart.