We meet up with our group of beautiful morons in Kona, celebrating getting 2 matches out of the possible 10. Only true fucking idiots would decide to get drunk and celebrate getting a 20%.
Hunter: I think the match making process is holy. It will prevail. And on the third day, God created the Remington bolt-action rifle, so that Man could fight the dinosaurs. And the homosexuals.
Kiki is talking to Devin about how he basically admitted to only being into Kiki for sex at the ceremony. She’s all “you made me look stupid,” and it’s like, okay that’s not exactly not hard. She’s worried that Devin is putting on a façade, which is unheard of. A person on a dating show putting on a front?! WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE.
Meanwhile, Amanda/Freckles and Magic Mike are having a competition to see who is the dumbest by guessing how many stars are on the American flag. Where does MTV get these people? A remedial English class at an adult night school?
Hannah and Chuck are flirting and it’s kind of cute, if you overlook the fact that Chuck looks like a recovering meth addict. I can’t tell if he’s funny or stoned AF. Ironically, most people say the same thing about me. Is Chuck my perfect match?
Ryan Devlin, the host who looks like he could double for a Christmas elf, calls the challenge “Holy Fuck The Boys Actually Said This Stuff” AKA, you fuckers better find love on this show because no one is going to date you in the real world. The girls have to run around, matching which guy said the douchey/embarrassing quotes. Kiki has the obvious advantage from being close to Devin, the huge dick who also practices yoga. But even that experience can’t help her grow a few fucking brain cells.
Kiki: I’m totally an athlete, but I’m like really fucking stupid so yeah.
Chuck thinks Hannah and him are a match because they look alike. Look Chuck, this dating show doesn’t have a Game of Thrones theme.
The quotes/secrets are revealed:
– Hunter fucked a teacher. Which isn’t exactly surprising. Listening to him talk is a clear indicator that he is not very well educated. He obviously was having sex instead of doing homework.
– Connor likes One Direction. How does that even compare to the statutory rape charge Hunter just acknowledged? Whatever.
– Fat boy Alec cries at Air Bud. And that’s probably because he was the one kid who got cut from the team to make room for a fucking golden retriever.
– Chuck masturbated on an airplane. Which is still heavily frowned upon, thanks Obama.
– Magic Mike screamed his dog’s name in sex. Which is something I thought for sure Hunter would do. Strange.
Melanie wins and is torn between Devin (why does everyone give a shit about this dude) and Tyler. She grows a fucking brain and choose Tyler.
Stacey picks Hunter because she figures he might be the one to actually give a shit about her.
Kiki is like “I don’t want to look like a fool” proceeds to look like a fool and picks Devin, who is standing on the sidelines so cocky about it. Kiki rationalizes and is like “I’m following my heart.” YOU’VE KNOWN HIM FOR ABOUT A WEEK. WHAT’S HIS MIDDLE NAME KIKI? WHAT IS IT? Everyone in the house and at home groans collectively because it’s really disappointing to find out that people who are this stupid actually exist.
Meanwhile, Connor and Kayla (idk who that is) are talking/flirting/being sexually forward on nation television. Connor is like, really into dominating women and Kayla is like, okay no one has taken notice of me here so okay, I’m dominating. Yeah.
Chuck is talking to Hannah and is like “Hannah you’re hot” and Hannah starts crying. She says no one notices her personality; they just care about her looks. Professor Callahan didn’t hire her because she’s a good lawyer, he only cared about how she looked. She’s like “I’m so hot and it sucks” and it’s like, ugh we get it girl.
Chuck is still drunk as fuck trying to profess his love to Hannah and he’s like “I’ll convince her one day”. Well, good luck with that buddy.
An eighth grade dance is happening in the living room and all girls tell Magic Mike to do his strip dance and he’s like “this is a performance, this is an art.” Stop acting like you’re fucking performing in the Nutcracker, you’re shoving your balls into a girl’s face.
Freckles gets real pissed about Mike’s dancing and is like “that’s my schlong.” I have never heard anyone who isn’t a frat boy use the word “schlong” in every day life, but okay more power to ya. #feminism
Rashida is like I can sing and Tyler is like oh that’s crazy, me too. They get started about how much they “love hip hop blah blah” I feel like I’m watching Empire right now. Where is Hakeem?
Rashida: I love Kanye
Tyler: Me too.
Rashida: Wow, this is like such a serious relationship we have rn.
The date consists of the couples riding around on mopeds on the streets of Hawaii. I’m pretty sure Mary Kate and Ashley did that in one of their movies. MTV, I see where you get your inspiration from.
Hunter: I’m from the South, we ride shit. Including our teachers, yee-haw.
MTV makes it look like they are going 80 miles an hour on these mopeds, when there are old ladies power walking next to them. The power of editing, am I right?
Tyler and Melanie go to the ocean, which Tyler has never seen before. He’s like “wow the ocean is so big, I never knew it existed before.” Tyler, read a fucking book dawg. The ocean isn’t some mythical creature.
Tyler explains how he had a rough upbringing and what not, and now he’s on a dating show on MTV. If that isn’t a Cinderella story, idk what is.
Hunter and Stacey are talking about literally nothing and Hunter is like, woah I think I’m in love. Hunter talks and talks about “connections” and all that bullshit and it sounds like he’s biting the inside of his lip the whole time he’s talking.
Kiki is talking to Devin and it’s a conversation that will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Kiki: I’m really worried that you’re going to screw me over
Devin: No, I would never. I’ve only cheated on 93% of my girlfriends
Devin: oh and also, I live with you so I don’t really have a choice.(REAL QUOTE)
Kiki: omg you’re so romantic
Devin and Kiki get sent to the Truth Booth and everyone wants them to be a match so they can gtfo. Has anyone else noticed that Kiki looks like the love child of Lea Michele and a horse? Let that marinate for a second.
They go to the truth booth and Devin’s like “my bags are packed, she’s my match.” Devin’s like I knew from day one and they keep making out, etc. Well Devin, hate to break it to you dude, but you’re about as sharp as fucking pencil eraser because IT’S NOT A MATCH.
Watching Kiki and Devin cry about this has brought me so much joy, I must say. Devin’s like “this is wack!!!” but is secretly pumped because now he can go fuck Melanie in “pursuit of his match.”
Devin calls the truth booth “the worst booth in American history” and either he’s really fucking stupid and doesn’t know who the fuck John Wilkes Booth is, or he’s a terrorist. I mean whatever. Devin and Kiki are going to “stay under the radar with their relationship” and we all know those words are the kiss of death.
Shockingly, there are other people existing in the house beside Devin and Kiki.
Cheyenne and Nelson flirt over an Oreo cookie. Nothing brings true love like Nabisco. I feel really confident about this relationship.
Connor tells Kayla about how he was in jail. He’s like “I did some dumb shit when I was young” and it’s like, you’re still doing it because you’re wearing those stupid glasses Paris Hilton wore in 2005. Kayla and Connor are super into each other, but literally no one gives a shit.
THE MATCH CEREMONY
Hunter is first to pick a match and he’s wearing a trucker hat when everyone else is wearing a suit. He looks like a hillbilly Ken doll. Hunter picks Stacey who looks like the mom from Addams Family. Together the look like a couple on Halloween night both wearing really shitty DIY costumes.
Austin (who the fuck is that?) picks Kiki. Kiki and Devin try and pull some bullshit about how they are going to break apart and everyone is like, please never speak again.
Ryan asks Devin how he feels and Devin is like “I’m so smart.” But he’s wearing pukka shells so literally no one takes him seriously. Devin is like “not very many people here know a lot,” speaking directly to Kiki’s dumbass.
Devin: I am smart and everyone here is dumb.
Ryan Devlin: God, how did I end up on this island. What did I do to deserve this? #prayforRyan
Conner picks Kayla– still irrelevant.
Nelson picks Cheyenne. I’m rooting for them.
Magic Mike picks Amanda again because she claimed his schlong and that’s like, a binding contract.
Britni and Zak match and MTV talks about it for like .3 seconds.
Devin picks Melanie and Melanie is like fuck, this sucks.
Former fat boy Alec picks Chelsea. Who is Chelsea? Where are these people coming from?
Tyler picks Rashida, hoping to become the newest couple for the show “Love and Hip Hop.”
Chuck picks Hannah, obviously. Chuck looks like a teenage boy borrowing his dad’s clothes to Thanksgiving dinner and Hannah is easily the hottest one there. Hannah leave now. Make a break for it, these people are all fucking crazy.
The anticipation is high and people are so sure they have found their match, and we wait for the matches to be confirmed…… wait, no fucking way. NO FUCKING WAY.
Yes, that’s right: the group gets a BLACKOUT. NO MATCHES. DO NOT PASS GO. DO NOT COLLECT 200 DOLLARS.
Everyone is really mad and you hear Hunter yell “we have to start playing with our hearts!” Oh shut the fuck up you country bumpkin. Go do what you do best and get in a well so Lassie can save you.
Ryan Devlin is like “you had one fucking job, now I’m taking a quarter of a million dollars.” YAS RYAN, slay these bitches.
People are crying and questioning everything they thought they knew. Like, we’ve known each other for a full week. How can this be possible? How could this not be my true love?
TOTAL MATCHES: 0, LOL.