The crew gets back from their match up, where they seriously fucked up, yet again. Everyone is pissed at the boys because no one picked Kiki, when that was literally all they had to fucking do.
Austin is talking strategy again, and it’s like, okay give it a fucking rest dude. Clearly the strategy thing is a no go, let’s just move the fuck on.
Everyone is like “we should put Alec and Stacey in the truth booth” and it’s like FUCKING DUH. That’s what everyone has been saying this WHOLE FUCKING SHOW.
Kayla is embarrassed about her Megan Fox thumb, and lol, we don’t blame her that shit is disgusting, and she shows Magic Mike. And Mike is like “Kayla’s really not as bitchy anymore, I bet she’s my match”- uhm, I’m sorry, you liked AMANDA the bitchiest girl in the house, like four seconds ago?
Speaking of Amanda, she walks in while Kayla and Mike are flirting and it’s like ABORT MISSION, ABORT MISSION. Mike starts kissing Kayla and all she says is “NOT GOOD.” So we now can conclude that Mike and Devin are both not good. Good to know.
Before the game, the team decides Alec and Stacey HAVE to win. Even if they have to throw this game, even if they have to sacrifice their match, even if they kill someone- wait what.
Anyway, so the couples pair up and they have to untie a knot a get into an obstacle, and like run into a circle and hug? Idk just bring back the fucking exes.
Everyone is trying to throw the competition for Alec and Stacey but Stacey is like IDK WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON. Stacey clearly wasn’t a girl scout and doesn’t know a damn thing about knots, and is freaking tf out rn.
Stacey is literally tying herself into a zillion knots while the boys are all j chillin there, waiting for one of the girls to show the slightest bit of intelligence.
Zak/bae is like “fuck this, I’m matching with Hannah” and he makes the betchiest comment of the night saying “I don’t think Stacey can find her way out of a one way street.” Look Zak, the offer is still on the table- marry me?
Zak & Hannah match first, disregarding all that mumbo jumbo about strategies. Hunter is like, well shit, they are playing with their hearts over there and I wanna do that too. Britni, get yer honky tonky badonk a donk over here.
Britni is like “I was going to consider the group, but I’m a selfish bitch so I didn’t.” Fair enough. Are Hunter and Britni suddenly a match? This whole fucking show they have been like “no not us, blah blah.” Fucking get it together.
Meanwhile, waiting for Stacey to untie her fucking knots is like waiting for the grass to grow. Homegirl has tied herself into the biggest knot and everyone is like, well this is a bust. And by everyone, I mean Austin.
He convinces Kayla to run to him, making them the third place winners and ending the game. Everyone is like NOOOOOOOOOO we had to let Stacey win and you all ruined it. Okay, Stace, you know I love you, but there wasn’t a chance on God’s beautiful green earth you were gonna win that game. Button, law school and knot tying are for boring and ugly people, and that’s just not you.
Austin is like, whatever fuck it I’m going on the date. He tries to justify it by being like “well Hunter and Britni” and it’s like if you ever start a statement with “well Hunter and Brittni did it so I did” please kill yourself.
They are going to be off-roading to a bunch of waterfalls where RyDev says they will “swim, eat and love the day away”. Sequel to Eat, Pray, Love?
THE ADVENTURES OF MAGIC MIKE AND THE SHOVE HEARD ROUND THE WORLD
Mike goes to tell Amanda he kissed Kayla because he’s a fucking male stripper, what did you expect?
Amanda is likem chain smoking and Mike is beating around the bush with this whole confession. Amanda pours a shit ton of alcohol into her cup, lols, and is like “I WILL BUST THIS BOTTLE OVER YOUR HEAD.” Look I’m not a cop, but on Criminal Minds, that would be considered a threat.
Amanda feels like she “has been cheated on” so she starts doing a rain dance and screaming the F word as loud as she can. Someone needs to give Amanda a dictionary so she can look up the word “relationship,” realize she wasn’t in one, and move the fuck on.
Amanda turns into ghetto Barbie and starts cursing at Mike a mile a minute. Damn girl, I have a foul mouth and you made me blush. Kudos. She turns into a fucking guido Big Sean and she’s like “YOU LITTLE STUPID ASS BITCH MIKE, I AINT FUCKIN WITH YOUUUUUU.”
She gets in Mike’s face and starts pushing his face and is like ‘I’M NOT THE ONE”- and it’s like, what a great pun off the show’s name. I see what you did there, Amanda.
Amanda is blacked out and Mike calls her trash, so Amanda beats him with a pillow. She seriously just starts fucking WACKING him with a pillow. It’s LIT. I can’t tell if this is a fight or foreplay- we all know Mike probs has the weirdest boner rn.
Amanda is in a beanie, Chuck and Britni are in beanies, and watching the whole thing, Kiki always wears that fucking beanie everywhere- This show should just be called INSANE PEOPLE IN BEANIES. Who sponsored this show? Burton? North Face?
Amanda is still beating the shit out of Mike and he’s like, stop please stop leave me alone Amanda. He keeps asking her and literally no one does anything. Mike turns around fucking pissed now and throws her on the bed BY HER NECK, and Amanda’s drunk ass just rolls off it like a rag doll.
Mike is like SHE HAS BEEN HARRASSING ME THIS WHOLE TIME and Hunter is like, “Amanda is like a Chihuahua– but you should never put your hands on a woman.” You just called her a dog, is that okay?
Chuck and Hunter are like, Mike that was unacceptable and Mike’s like YO WHY DIDN’T YOU HELP ME DICKHEAD?! Chuck says it was, and I quote, a “sorority fight.” Chuck is yelling at Mike while holding a ukulele, really defeating the purpose here.
Heavy rock music plays as the producers explain they took Mike to a hotel so he could chill tf out. Mike leaves the house, wearing another fucking goddamn beanie.
Amanda is like SERIOUSLY I SENT SOMEONE TO JAIL FOR THAT. Okay, well that’s not normal at all. But everyone overlooks that.
Nelson is like “WHY DIDN’T ANYONE HELP STOP AMANDA?” and Hunter is like “okay, she is beating him with a pillow, it’s a sorority fight.” Listen here motherfucker, I was in a sorority and you best believe I will throw a goddamn punch. So say that shit one more time and I swear on my fucking sorority letters that I will lay your ass out and sprinkle some fucking glitter on you.
Everyone is blaming this shit on Mike and Amanda is like “I’m not going to go back to the toxic people.” Maybe, just maybe, this could be a moment of personal reflection for you. No? Okay, I’ll help you- AMANDA STOP BEATING PEOPLE WITH PILLOWS YOU FUCKING PSYCHO.
Mike is allowed back, under the supervision of producers, like a bitch. Mike’s like “I’m going tf home I can’t do this and what girl is going to want to talk to me?” Okay, fair enough.
Mike’s like I need to leave and of course, Amanda is like CAN I TALK TO YOU. NOT THIS AGAIN. Everyone is scrambling to hide any pillows within a 50 yard radius. Amanda is suddenly like, dude I loved you and you broke my heart. Then Mike starts crying, and it’s like wow, this shit is heavy.
Amanda is like “don’t forget about me” and it’s like, how could I? You made me look like an abuser on national television. Mike goes home as MTV makes a PSA about domestic violence.
And to clarify, for all you overly sensitive fucking idiots on social media (aka everyone nowadays) though I think Amanda was acting like an immature brat, I don’t think you should EVER throw a girl or even touch a girl in that manner. If I was Amanda I would have broken Mike’s arm the moment he laid a fucking finger on me. Try climbing up a stripper pole with a broken arm, asshole.
But also, I don’t think Mike is an abuser. So there’s that too. MOVING ON.
Kayla is like, my match might be Austin, and it’s like, yay! Someone loves Austin!
Hunter is talking to Britni about how being Southern doesn’t define him and excuse me while I scream the word BULLSHIT at the top of my lungs. That’s literally ALL that defines him on this show. No one goes “oh Hunter, the intellectual one” or “Hunter, the cultured, refined one.” They say “Hunter, the hick one from the South.”
Britni is like, yeah, Hunter and I have nothing in common- but wait, yes you do. I can’t stand you both, go get married! Hunter uses a cheesy pick up line about how she makes any view beautiful and I’m vomiting.
Zak and Hannah, the hottest couple in the game, come in and drown us in their cuteness and start making out under a waterfall. Ah, finally some bliss of watching two people we actually like.
Ryan explains that the game remains the same without Mike and someone is his match, lol that sucks. Here’s to hoping it’s Kiki. Or like, Britni. Wait, yeah Britni.
Hunter and Britni get sent to the truth booth and I bet you my inheritance that they are not a match. That’s how sure I am.
Hunter: Britni ain’t excited but I ain’t been this excited since my grandpapa’s pig won the grand prize at the state fair.
The results come and it’s NO MATCH, DUH.
Chuck is pumped because his fuckbuddy still gets to stick around, and Stacey/Alec are pumped because that means they are most likely a match. Everyone starts chanting Mom and Dad and I want to die. I’m serious.
Afterwards, they are so desperate that they trust Devin, who is doing a strategy demonstration with red solo cups. This oughta be good.
Devin: (actual quote) Thank god I’m NEARLY a genius. – Hey, Devin, guess what that makes you? NOT A FUCKING GENIUS.
They reenact all the match up ceremonies and are basically betting on the fact that Stacey and Alec are a match. Well let’s hope so, I whisper to myself as I pour another glass of wine.
THE MATCH CEREMONY
It’s the girl’s pick this week, and though they always blame the boys for their mistakes, the girls are just as fucking stupid.
Kayla is first and says her and Austin had the best date ever but she decides to go with strategy ughhhhhhh. Kayla picks Hunter? Okay this strategy is crap
Cheyenne picks Austin? WHAT IS HAPPENING???
Stacey is up and picks Alec, calling him Dad of course. This is the worst.
Britni picks Devin, and Devin is like YO AUSTIN IMMA LET YOU FINISH BUT I HAVE THE BEST STRATEGY OF ALL TIME.
Devin says they’ll get six beams and they’ll be “THE BEST COMEBACK EVER!!!!” But don’t you need 10 to win? You guys don’t understand the concept of comebacks do you? I have so many sexual jokes to make but my mom reads these, so I shall refrain from any jokes revolving around cum on a back. Bye!
Connor: Devin is the leader? Holy shit, we’re so fucked
Me, at home: cheers to that!
Hannah picks Zak, swearing they are in love (and I believe it).
Mel picks Tyler, I don’t even care.
Kiki is up next and she has to pick Mike, leaving her all alone. It’s okay Kiki, you had the most airtime on this fucking show anyway.
Amanda is up next and picks Nelson, which sucks for Nelson. Prepare to get your ass kicked all the time, buddy.
Rashida picks Chuck, please remember to #prayforRashida.
They don’t get a blackout and they cheer for Mom and Dad, whom they assume is the match.
We wait for another beam to come, but it doesn’t. It doesn’t fucking come. HAHAHAHHA WOOOOOOW, THEY GET ONE BEAM. YOU’RE KIDDING.
Devin: Hmmm, I think I may have made a slight error.
So far part one did not disappoint. Tune in to part 2 (because this shit was two hours long) to find out how this crap ends. Admit it, you want to know. And more importantly, you wanna hear me tell you.