It’s Monday which means instead of
living my best life sleeping I’m wearing a real bra and actively trying not to vomit on my keyboard. I’m so blessed that this is my life. Mondays are a time of self-reflection for me, a time for me to wonder why I do this shit to my body every fucking weekend. But you know how some people say treat your body like a temple? Apparently I’d rather treat mine like the back alley behind a McDonald’s. It’s really amazing that I’m still single. But apparently treating your body, liver, and skin like your own personal garbage chute is bad for you?? Idk, sounds like fake news to me. But what if it’s not fake news? What if *gasps* my mother was right and I won’t be young forever? NOPE. I cannot even contemplate that thought, not while I’m functioning off of two percent brain power and reading avoiding reading passive-aggressive emails in my inbox. And it’s not just my mother, either. Some of my friends have been going on and on about the importance of anti-aging beauty products since we turned 20 and they realized we only have 80 more years of life yet to live. And this is the reason why I drink.
Whatever. I will literally do anything to procrastinate so let me fact-check this horrifying thought and delve into the idea of anti-aging beauty products. I’m sure this comes as a surprise to no one, but I don’t actually know shit about
taking care of my body anti-aging beauty products. And researching this stuff is more confusing than figuring out my taxes. I’m assuming you, like, me don’t know wtf you’re doing with your skin either, so let me break it down for you so you can look forever young. Anti-aging products are different for each stage of your life. That said, here’s the Betches guide to anti-aging beauty products for whatever age you’re lying about on your dating profile at in your life rn:
WHEN YOU’RE IN YOUR TEENS
By “teens” I mean people between the ages of 18-20, because if you’re still in high school and stressing about aging then I suggest you be prescribed Xanax ASAP. Tbh shit’s only going to get more stressful from here. You think calculus is hard? Just wait until you have to decipher a fuckboy’s text or set up your boss’s Bumble profile. Even at 18 your biggest concern in life shouldn’t be premature wrinkles; it should be if your fake ID will work at bars. And if that isn’t your biggest concern then clearly
you don’t drink enough your priorities are shitty. Whatever. I guess there’s at least one mature person virgin who can’t drive in every friend group.
And if you’re hell-bent on being that girl then FINE, just focus all of your energy on face peels. It’s too early for anti-aging products because you’re still a literal child, but peels are an easy way to
waste your money on things you don’t need feel like you’re doing something useful for your skin. Performing weekly peels helps prevent skin aging as peels deliberately damage the skin but, like, in a good way. Once the damaged layers peel off, it signals your skin to produce more collagen and elastin fibers and makes your skin look, like, really pretty. I suggest investing in a peel that has glycolic acid as an ingredient in it. Products like Caudalie Glycolic Peel with glycolic acid in them help to unclog pores and diminish acne blemishes. Incorporate this shit into your weekly beauty routine and maybe you’ll look less like a Lindsay Lohan mugshot when you’re makeup-less by the time you hit 25. Maybe.
WHEN YOU’RE IN YOUR 20s
This is the age where shit starts to get real. One second you’re chugging
carbonated roofies Four Loko’s and waking up at 6am the next morning to catch a spin class, and the next second you’re in your mid-twenties and spending 48 hours hungover and bedridden after consuming alcoholic popsicles. You’ve got so much to look forward to, kids!! And when you hit that mid-to-late twenties age range, your liver and your dignity aren’t the only things to go. Your skin will also start to feel the strain of your garbage hedonistic lifestyle. Once this starts to happen, moisturizer and sunscreen will be a key part of your beauty regimen. For this, try a hydrating daily sunscreen like Aveeno Positively Radiant. It’s like getting two products for the price of one and it’s one less product you have to think about every day. Praise be. You’ll also want to invest in retinols aka what Beyoncé got out of her deal with the devil to have flawless skin forever (I assume). Regular use of retinoids have been proven to leave your skin looking tighter, smoother, brighter, and blemish-free. Start out with an over the counter product like Neutrogena Healthy Skin Anti-Wrinkle Cream and worry about botox the heavier shit later in life.
WHEN YOU’RE IN YOUR 30s
If shit gets real in your 20s, then shit gets fucking frightening in your 30s. You should use all of the above products and start to incorporate some sort of nightly treatment into your beauty routine. I suggest using a treatment that has peptides, growth factors, or hyaluronic acid in the ingredients, like No7 Protect & Perfect Intensively Moisturising Body Serum, to stimulate the production of collagen. You can also switch to a heavier moisturizer because, honestly, you’ll probs need all the moisture you can get. Moisturize before bed to restore hydration and enhance skin renewal while you sleep. You should also incorporate a concentrated antioxidant serum into your beauty regimen, because as you age environmental factors—like, say, years of getting fucked up on beaches for the Insta—actually start to sabotage your skin. The more you know. Antioxidant serums like Pura d’or’s Vitamin C Serum will not only protect your skin from future damage, but also repair any previous damages so even though you’ll feel old AF when you accidentally hit on a college student at a bar (happens) you’ll still look young and flawless.
Well this has been fun. Now, that I completely understand all the ways in which my skin will wither and age, I think I’ll be v mature about this and ignore this information by
getting fucked up indulging in my youth while I still can.