Anne Hathaway Had A Baby And We’re Already Annoyed

On March 24th, 2016 the universe welcomed into it the nicegirl of all baby boys: Jonathan Rosebanks (question mark) Shulman, otherwise known as Anne Hathaway’s newborn son. In other words, Andy Sachs pretty much just gave birth to some other celebrity child’s BBB. Anne and her unimportant husband, Adam Shulman, wed back in 2012, you know, after she was done screaming and crying during Les Misérables. Miserable is right. Not even Wolverine was tolerable in that movie.

A source told E! News that “Hathaway is ‘just enjoying every second with her baby boy’ and she and Schulman are ‘loving every minute being new parents’”. Sounds like bullshit to me. It’s not a secret that newborn babies cry, like, a shit ton. Why do people always try to bullshit everyone? We know you’re tired as fuck. Mmmohmygod, stop fucking lying.

The source continued to state the obvious when they let E! News know how genetics works: “He is such a sweet and happy baby…He looks like a mixture between Anne and Adam.” Thanks, anonymous source! Now that we’re clear on what happens when two people have a child together, maybe you could further explain how it is exactly the least edgy actress in Hollywood was cast to play Catwoman. I suppose she wasn’t as bad of a choice as Ben Affleck for the new Batman, but I digress.

Whatever. Congratulations to Anne Hathaway and what’s-his-face! Hopefully little Jonathan has better taste in hats than his mother and better taste in women than his father.


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