A Timeline Of Angelina Jolie’s Transformation Into A BSCB

This week, Angelina Jolie made, like, a couple headlines when she filed for divorce from hubby/apparent weed smoker Brad Pitt. We’re still dealing with this news, but today we’re going on a little journey to the past. Who is Angelina Jolie? Where did she come from? Is she a psycho?? All that and more…welcome to Betchography. Like, biography but for a betch, get it?

Angelina Jolie was born in LA in 1975, and basically everyone in her family is/was an actor. One actor parent is questionable, but two actor parents, two actor grandparents, and an actor brother is just a recipe for disaster. Her dad is Jon Voight, who was like, a super famous actor at the time, but you probably know him as the old dad in National Treasure (what a fucking movie, right?) or Derek Zoolander’s dad. Her parents split up a year after she was born, so her relationship with daddy has always been rocky.

Zoolander dad

Evidence of her psycho past emerges at age 15, when she lived with her fucking boyfriend. Our parents barely let us have a boy in the basement for an hour when we were that age, so clearly things were a little different. She says she was a “punk outsider” at this point, and briefly dropped out of acting classes to become a funeral director instead. Wut? Luckily she dumped the boyfriend when she was 16, graduated high school (also when she was 16 because apparently she had the grades for that?) and got her own place.

In the few years after that, Angie had a lot of problems with drugs and depression. She attempted suicide twice, and the second time is probably the betchiest way we’ve ever heard: She attempted to hire a hitman to kill her. Suicide is obviously awful, but even we wouldn’t have thought of that one.

well played

Angie pretty much spent the ‘90s dicking around in movies that no one cares about, but she was working steadily so like, good for her. At some point in there she was in love with a woman, because why not? Her first marriage happened in 1996, to an actor Jonny Lee Miller, whom she met filming a movie. At their wedding, she wore black rubber pants and a white shirt with the groom’s name written IN HER BLOOD. I don’t care how much humanitarian work she’s done since then, that is fucking psychotic. She could adopt every impoverished child in the world and I’d still run around reminding people that she got married covered IN HER OWN BLOOD.

You are mental

Unsurprisingly for two crazy people, the relationship ended the next year. They actually got divorced in 1999, shortly before marriage #2: Billy Bob Thornton. They got married in Vegas after only two months of dating, which definitely isn’t like a red flag or anything. They famously wore vials of each other’s blood around their necks, and we’re really starting to think Angie might be a vampire. Like, cool it with the blood.

weirded out

That one lasted three years, which honestly isn’t that bad in Hollywood. Then, in 2005 Brangelina happened, and the rest is basically history. So is Angie a psycho? Absolutely. Do we still love her? Of course. Being a little bit psycho is part of being a betch, and Angie just takes it to the extreme. But really, cool it with the blood.


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