An Open Letter To World Cup Statuses And The People That Post Them

If I see one more World Cup status, I’m going to exercise my second amendment right as an American and buy an assault rifle and shoot myself in the face.

First let me start off by humbly saying: I DO NOT GIVE ONE SINGLE FUCK. Seriously, I care as much about soccer as I care about your Grandma Florence’s bunions, which is not one bit, so get that shit out of my face and my Facebook.

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not a soccer fan (could you tell?). And frankly, I’m sick of all the Americans who conveniently become “die-hard” “football” fans once every four years, but the other 75% of the time openly mock soccer for being a pussy sport that will never catch on in the US. Hey all of you, Europe called, they want their bandwagon back.

But even if I did like watching teams almost score a goal for hours on end, there is still no point to posting statuses about it on Facebook. Think about it: So the US scored a goal and you want to post it? Well guess the fuck what? Everyone who’s been watching the game already knows that the US just scored that goal, or that Portugal needs to move the ball, or whatever’s going on. And the people who don’t know have more likely than not actively decided not to watch the World Cup, so who are these statuses directed at? Who exactly? The maybe 3 friends who will like each soccer-themed status you post? (I’ve done extensive research, aka been on my newsfeed, and it’s literally never more than 3 likes). Is it really worth it for three fucking likes?

Now I know what some of you are going to say and yes I have the right to bitch about this because, well, unfortunately I can’t unfollow the majority of people in my news feed. Or like I guess I could but then procrastinating would get real old. Can’t Zuckerberg just invent a feature that will let me filter out statuses by key words already? I’m just waiting for the day when I can hide all engagements from my feed. What a wonderful world that will be.

But since you asked, I’ve got my money on Kiss My Anthia.


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