To My Best Betch's New Bro,
Hi there. Nice to meet you, but not nearly as nice as it must be to meet me. I know you’ve heard a lot about me since me and your new girlfriend are so close, but I will bet my Starbucks budget you have no idea how much I already know about you. I’ve stalked all your social media accounts (and don’t think I didn’t notice where your hand was placed on that picture with the blonde 32 weeks ago), I’ve seen countless screenshots of you spitting game to my friend (nicely played sir), and heard stories about everything from your summer at the shore with the boys to your explanation as to why it just didn’t work out with your last girlfriend. It’s not my goal to have you hate me, but don’t be mistaken – I will lose no sleep over you not liking me. To be honest, I might even sleep better knowing I’ve instilled fear in you. Because you’re not dating any girl. You’re dating MY girl.
The Spice Girls had it right when they proclaimed if you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends. I’m not here to hold her for ransom until you meet my hostage-esque requests, but there are certain things you must know/understand/follow if you want this to go smoothly.
- You will accept my social media requests, because while your girlfriend may trust you enough to not stalk your social media, I have no hesitation to call you out for liking your ex-girlfriend's selfie with the cleavage.
- There will be girls night out and no, you’re not invited. Encouraging and trusting her to go out and have fun will make you a great boyfriend, showing up unannounced “to surprise her” will get you death glares from the crew.
- She will screenshot and send me anything funny/stupid/shady/mean thing you say.
- I’ll always be on her side. Even when she’s wrong, she’s right. And its two against one so it looks like you lost.
- You will gain SUPERB brownie points if you have a male suitor for me that ISN’T a douche. If you set me up with one of your friends that’s a dud, I’ll hold it against you forever.
- If you’re buying her a present: consult me. I SWEAR I can keep a secret. I also know what size shirt, pant, shoe, watch, ring, and wallet she (we) wear.
- If you fuck up and come to your senses to apologize, she will most likely forgive and forget. I will never forget. I also don’t sleep with you so I probably won’t forgive.
- If she ever comes home crying, know that I’ll need the steak knife in your tires back before the dinner party tomorrow night.
- If I ever find out that you lied to her, you have SIXTY minutes to tell her yourself before I do, the clock is ticking mother fucker.
Honestly – we could be a team here! If you’re a good guy and I see that you’re making my bestie happy, I will be more than willing to remind you of important dates before they occur i.e. anniversaries and birthdays, will give you hints why she’s mad and isn’t speaking to you (it’s PMS don’t take it personal) and will even help you get within the good grace of her really scary father.
Some of you might think that you can brush off my advice because I’m not your girlfriend so you don’t answer to me but know this: Over the years I’ve managed to convince your girlfriend that orange is the new pink (it wasn’t), that her hair extensions looked great (they didn’t) and that LC and Stephen really would make it as a couple (yeah, no) – I can pretty much convince her of anything. So if you manage to piss me off, know I’ll do everything in my power to get you gone faster than carbs after our three day juice cleanse. Don’t underestimate the power of a woman. If you fuck with my best friend, I’ll make the things done in Gone Girl look like foreplay.