American Idol Is Finally Over, Thank God

On Thursday, American Idol finally came to a close after 15 long seasons, even though we know you, along with most of the sane population, stopped watching in 2008. They obviously did their best to turn the big finale into a giant spectacle, so it basically ended up being overwhelming. Here are some quick highlights of what happened, because we know you didn’t watch.

Jennifer Lopez Danced Her Ass Off

J.Lo has been a judge on the show for the past few years, and she wasn’t going to miss a final opportunity to get free promo for a new single. She performed her new song “Ain’t Your Mama,” which is stupid, and then did a fun performance of “Let’s Get Loud,” complete with two outfit reveals, lots of girls with fans, some booty shaking, and some questionable high notes. Whatever, J.Lo is more of a star than any of the contestants will ever be. Also, how does she still look that good??

Shitloads of Contestants Came Back

Lots of people got their individual moments, but dozens of past finalists came on stage wearing all white to sing a song together called “One Voice.” It would have been touching if A) we knew who most of the people were and B) it didn’t look like a cult wedding.

That Weird Host From Season 1 Was There

Remember Brian Dunkleman? Yeah, no. He was Ryan Seacrest’s cohost for season 1, but then swiftly got removed and disappeared from our memories. He came back, and he and Seacrest did a super uncomfortable comedic bit onstage together. It was like 15% cute, but mostly cringey until they hugged it out at the end.

Kelly Clarkson Wasn’t There

Kelly is like super pregnant right now, so they showed a prerecorded medley of all her hits, and people still went crazy for it. Bow down to Kelly and Carrie Underwood, because they’re the only two who really matter. Sorry, Taylor Hicks.

Simon and Paula!!

The original three judges reunited on the show, which was strangely cathartic considering that we don’t give a shit about American Idol. Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul will always be the perfect couple that never was.

Oh yeah and some dude won, I guess.


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