The Endtimes Are Here: Mariah Carey Is Not The Most Popular Christmas Song

In these hectic times, the holiday season is welcome for nothing if not its familiarity: Sleeping in your childhood bedroom. Shitty gifts from 2nd-tier relatives you don’t really care about, proving they never really cared about you, either. Above all, Christmas music, specifically Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You,” one of the best damn Christmas songs of all time. For years, you could count on it playing ad nauseam on the radio and in retail stores until you got as close to being sick of it as possible. But alas, no more: Mariah will not have the most popular Christmas song this year.

Some shady-ass company called PlayNetwork is responsible for the repetitive, tortuous playlists you hear in every retail store in the malls you almost certainly haven’t visited since 2005. Since they process the requests, they know what’s popular, and for the first time they’ve released the most requested Christmas songs from their clients. Look at this shit:

10. Ella Fitzgerald “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas”
9. Train “What Christmas Means To Me”
8. Bing Crosby “White Christmas”
7. Michael Buble “A Holly Jolly Christmas”
6. Kelly Clarkson “Underneath The Tree”
5. Jack Johnson “Someday At Christmas”
4. Waitresses “Christmas Wrapping”
3. Christina Aguilera “Christmas Time”
2. Mariah Carey “All I Want For Christmas Is You”
1. The Shins “Wonderful Christmastime”

The list actually goes all the way to 20, but I decided to spare you (it involved Coldplay). Now, I’m not hater; I like some newer Christmas songs as much as the classics, but this is egregious. No Wham! “Last Christmas?” No Donnie Hathaway? No N*Sync “Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays?” Most importantly, Mariah Carey DETHRONED BY THE FUCKING SHINS? Their most popular song was on the goddamn Garden State soundtrack, which should tell you everything you need to know.

Fuck Starbucks cups, this is the real War on Christmas. I eagerly await Trump’s commentary.


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