If you’re alive and breathing, you know that some fucked up shit tends to go down in Las Vegas. Gambling, prostitution, drugs—if it’s frowned upon everywhere else in the U.S., it happens on the reg in Sin City, hence the name. The downside, however, is that along with all the fun illegal stuff comes a big-ass mistake or two while you’re there, which is why hundreds of sketchy wedding chapels exist.
Tbh, the roster of Vegas marriages is impressive: Billy Bob and Angelina. Pamela Anderson and One Night in Paris star Rick Salomon. My idiot sorority sister Michelle and her frat star boyfriend from junior year. Wait… None of these couples are still together? Color me shocked. Joining this list is some rando Aaron Chervenak, who decided the Nevada desert was the perfect spot to make the ultimate commitment to his one true love—his cell phone.
I mean, seriously? If you haven’t found the right person yet, can’t you just chill for a minute rather than resorting to a goddamn phone? The craziest part is that his explanation for why he decided to take the plunge is better than all my engaged friends when they talk about why they’re getting married. “We connect with our phones on so many emotional levels. We look to it for solace, to calm us down, to put us to sleep, to ease our minds.” That’s actually kind of sweet and scarily accurate.
Don’t get me wrong, I still think Aaron is certifiable. I’m not like, sending my blessings or anything. BUT I would rather a guy say that about me than “getting married is just the next logical step” or some other bullshit that people who shouldn’t be getting married say. Hell, I doubt Kris Humphries even knows WTF “solace” means and look at where that union is. The bottom of the ocean in Bora Bora with Kim K.’s diamond earring, that’s where.
Anyway, I’m most bothered by the fact that we don’t know if the bride was even an iPhone. It’s one thing to devote your life to an Apple product, but if this bitch is a Galaxy, that’s just more than I can handle.