A Strongly Worded Letter To The End Of Summer Sales

Dear End of Summer Sales,

As our favorite season comes to a close, we can’t help but notice the giant “SALE” signs all over the mall. #77 Shopping is obviously the holy grail of all betchy activities. For as long as we can remember, shopping has been a staple in the lives of betchy legends like Cher Horowitz and Carrie Bradshaw (I mean, the girl was proposed to with satin Manolo Blahnik pumps.)

Here’s the deal. Now is the time of year when shit we’ll be buying full-price in a couple months is sixty percent off. So, we find ourselves at a crossroads. Betches aren’t against shopping in the sale section—we can all appreciate a sick deal. But it’s August. I’m still at the beach. I want to go walk into Bloomies and head straight for the new Moschino espadrilles, but wait, there’s a Vince leather jacket to my right that’s dark charcoal and half off. How can I turn that down?

So now I’m conflicted. Do I try on these oversized cat-eye Tom Ford sunglasses that I’ll wear this weekend or should I be focusing my efforts on these half-priced boots that will last me all winter? I know the summer’s almost over, but why can’t I have a little more fun buying white lacey cover-ups before Labor day?

So, I guess for now we’ll solve this dilemma in the best way we know how– with some retail therapy. We’ll keep shopping for this season’s hottest bikinis until the country club’s lounge chairs get folded up and Nobu removes its outdoor seating. But we’ll also browse the end of summer deals. Even the betchiest of us would wake up at 7AM to wait in line for a Barney’s sample sale, so don’t try to act like you have better plans. Like, I’m sorry, do you have some prior commitment? Some hideous skirt convention you have to go to?

Don’t take this letter the wrong way. End of summer sales events are one of the few decent things that the end of summer brings our way. We just can’t decide where to focus our efforts in the complex and beautiful world of retail, and we needed to express our frustration. So, get in loser, we’re going shopping.


The Betches


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