A Strongly Worded Letter To People Emotionally Involved In Sports

Dear Girls With Seriously Fucked Up Priorities,

Tantrums are a tool that a Betch should use to her advantage, they should be used few and far between and always in order to get what we want. If you’re constantly throwing hissy fits about things you can’t change then you reach diva level aka Ariana Grande status. This is how I feel about sports fans who get so emotionally involved with their teams that whenever they lose they throw a little hissy fit and become that person who ruins everyone’s Saturday night.

First of all, you’re fucking delusional if you think that the players are even anywhere near as upset as you are, those bros are probably going to go out and get laid win or lose. Not sit on the couch moping like a whiny little bitch. I think that this must be how Putin feels every time he looks at a map and doesn’t like the fact that Russia isn’t bigger. He probably screams at the map at the same way you screech at your television.

If you would like to yell at a screen for hours this tells me that you either watched way too much Dora the Explorer as a kid or are perhaps actually an idiot. I know you’ve heard this before but obvs it requires some repetition, the players you’re yelling at can’t hear you. Even if they did, they probably wouldn’t listen to your advice because you’re an amateur. For fucks sake take a Xanax.

At the end of the day sports are about entertainment. Would you get up in a movie theater and scream at a screen if you didn’t like what was happening in the plot? No. You wouldn’t, because it’s pointless. A person can like sports and have a favorite team without acting like Lars in Real Life as if they actually know any of these people. I’m almost certain from all the Law & Order I’ve binged on that creating fictional connections with another human being is like one of the steps to becoming a stalker.

On a more social level, games tend to happen on weekend evenings, so after your team loses you then proceed to ruin whatever plans you had made after, pick fights with those around you, and complain about the ref. I mean, what a cop out, did you ever consider the possibility that maybe your team just sucks? It’s totally not the referee’s fault that your team lost. Also, just because your team had a bad day does not mean that you have to have a bad day too.

You realize that you are not on the team right? So shut the fuck up and get over it. I promise there will be other games; I can’t imagine how emotionally draining it must be to be THIS invested in every single one. If this is how you react to sports I think you probs need a new hobby. One that doesn’t turn you into a tyrant.


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