A Strongly Worded Letter To Anyone Wearing Booty Shorts

I thought certain things in life were obvious, but apparently not. So to spell it out for everyone: The Abercrombie era is over, and it debatably didn’t even exist in the first place. If you’re wearing shorts that offer the same coverage as conservative underwear, you’re doing something wrong. I get that it’s hot outside and shorts are great, but if they’re tiger than your skin and riding up your crotch, that’s really not okay.

Any crease is too much crease.

Every summer, people somehow convince themselves that it’s fine to ring in the season cheeks out. Nothing is worse than causally enjoying some time in the sun and unexpectedly coming face to face with an exposed rear. This isn't a Destiny's Child video. Cover up.

Not that booty shorts are ever acceptable, but at certain points they become extra unacceptable. For instance, if you aren’t in middle school, you cannot wear shorts that look like a denim diaper. It’s disgusting. Secondly, If I can see your butt, know that I don’t want to, and please respect that. Nobody wants to be bombarded with your cheeks in the Starbucks line. And third, If you don’t have the body of a prepubescent Olympic gymnast, suction shorts are not for you. If any part of your body squeezes out of the clothing you’re wearing, consider that to be a problem.

It’s pretty obvious why booty shorts are disgusting, but people still wear them under the misinformation that they’re somehow flattering. Exactly the opposite. Unless you have super long legs with 0% body fat, super short shorts will actually make you look bigger. So don’t wear them.


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