There are obviously spoilers of last night's episode, idiots.
Last night marked the end of a long and overwrought era of manipulation, high fashion, and completely unrealistic story arcs. And I'm not talking about the plus size edition of Say Yes to the Dress (that shit is unfortunately still going on). No, we're here to say goodbye to #73 Gossip Girl, a show we've grown so close to in the past 6 years that it's actually somewhat sad to imagine Monday nights without it. Granted, if the betchocalypse does happen on Friday, at least we can go with the best kept secret in TV's history, and confirmation that Dan Humphrey is actually a bigger fucking homo than we ever imagined.
That's right, Dan Humphrey is Gossip Girl, something I'm 85% sure Savage and Schwartz decided during an afternoon blaze sesh while rewatching the glory days of the OC. How else do we explain Rachel Bilson's cameo? Either way we were pretty shocked it was Dan – I had actually placed imaginary bets with myself that it was going to be Jenny and the reward of being correct was allowing myself to angrily IM my friends bragging that I KNEW IT and was so pissed off because it was so predictable and Jenny fucking sucks. Fortunately for my friends I was wrong.
Also I'd like to take a second to address the assholes who immediately set their Facebook statuses to OMG IT WAS DAN I KNEW IT DAN IS GG HOLY SHIT DAN I'M WRITING THIS IN CAPS BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO SEE IT SO THAT I WILL COME OFF COOL BECAUSE I'M BREAKING THE BIGGEST NEWS TO YOU SINCE THE TAKEDOWN OF BIN LADEN GO USA. 1. You are not cool. 2. Everyone hates you 3. In order to avoid you I watched Gossip Girl live, and had to endure countless and painful “sneak peaks into CW new series the Carrie Diaries,” which looks like the worst show in the history of bad television.
Anyway, “irregardless,” as my rando friend who didn't go to college (fine, my drug dealer) would say, let's talk about the show. The thing is, there's no question that Gossip Girl is absolutely absurd and Season 6 definitely doubled its absurdity but we all shadily love that about it. Like in order to enjoy GG you have to get past the utter illogicality of almost every single plot line. Like Chuck and Blair's pact to be together, Nate being unable to find a way around Bart Bass, Bart Bass in general, the horse/oil scandal I could barely follow, Serena looking exactly the same as she did in 11th grade, Jenny Humphrey looking even taller, Nelly Yuki's reappearance, Rufus dating Ivy Dickens, Ivy Dickens dating Serena's dad, Ivy Dickens being able to get through a scene without a cig, Nate happily dating a girl in high school, and the fact that that girl is actually pursuing a career in acting. Also, how Lion King was the time Bart Bass fell off the building? PLEASE SON!!
So there are a few things we have to mention, like Chuck and Blair's wedding outfits. Sorry but the only time you should see baby blue is on a fucking Easter egg. And the chances of Serena and Dan ever choosing to wed in their home are very small. Lily not giving a shit about Bart dropping dead (literally) was great. Baby Bass was the cutest thing I've ever seen, unlike Serena's wedding dress, which hurt my eyes while giving me ideas for Halloween 2013. The way they got rid of Ivy was also perfect: called her crazy and escorted her out of the hotel. Great television. Also, what was up with Uncle Jack? Was it me or did he look like he was suffering from muscular dystrophy?
So, we're going to miss you Gossip Girl, in all your glory. We're going to miss Blair's amazing lines, Serena's chic outfits, Georgina Sparks (!), Dorota Dorota Dorota, Chuck's pastels and ascots, Nate's adorably dumbass face, and very little about Dan. XOXO Betches.
PS. Dan Humphrey is also A.