104. Token Hated Body Part

Whoever said nobody's perfect clearly never met a betch. However, going around telling the world what is obvious to everyone might make some extremely jealous of you, think you're a huge narcissistic bitch, or want to sabotage your amazing existence. For this reason, every betch has a token body part that they can plug into conversation when the need presents itself.

If a lot of girls were really honest, what they'd say is, “I hate my face.” But no one ever says that. Ugly people always suffer from the delusion that they're at least decent looking.

mean girls

So, to at least seem somewhat ordinary, betches will usually come up with some body part that they hate. Usually it's to make a nice girl feel better when she says something unbetchy like, “I hate my body.” (See we're super benevolent!) Body is way too broad. With this, a betch might follow with something along the lines of, “Omg I know, my ankles look soo fat after flying on a plane. You know, like to Europe. It's sooo embarrassing.”

Also, you might want to say something you hate that's easily fixable. Like, “I hate my eyebrows” or “I hate my hair when I get out of the shower.” But you love your eyebrows when they are plucked, which is always, so you actually love everything about yourself 99% of the time. And you like your hair five minutes after you get out of the shower. So you're really perfect at all times aside from those five minutes.


fatal attractionSorry Paris, your feet ARE actually fucking huge


Insulting a nonexistent ugly part of ourselves makes us seem down to earth and humorously self deprecating. Even though we as well as our besties know these aren't real issues, this helps diffuse the awkward tension when someone who's clearly uglier or fatter than you is bitching about themselves.

Now, if you still can't find anything wrong with you, which is a hardship that many of us face, there is an alternative. When having to listen to your friend whine about how her love handles just won't disappear, all you have to say is “SOML.” Telling someone it's the story of your life allows you to appear sympathetic, but in reality you haven't heard one fucking thing she just said and can continue thinking about how amazing it is to be you.



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