120. Serial Daters

We all know these types of betches and bros. They’re the ones who haven’t been single since they were twelve, and if they have been, it was for about 3 months until they found someone new to attach at the hip.

For girls, the serial dater is a complex entity within the bestie group. Assuming she’s not the UGH, meaning you still see her out at night and not just at the library or graduation, the SD can be an asset to any crew. Depending on what type of SD she is, she can bring different things to the table.


I love you man“I cannot wait to watch Chocolat”


The Serial Six-Monther (SSM) – The SSM is always dating someone but the relationship never lasts longer than 6 months. It always ends badly and is filled with countless dramatic stories and nauseating tears. This is because the SSM models her next boyfriend after her ex. This almost always means she is with essentially the same SAB over and over again, the only difference being the guys' last name and his taste in boat shoes.

This betch will often still party hard, if only because she’s going out to check on her boyfriend to make sure he’s not cheating on her, or to find some bro to flirt with in hopes that someone will tell her boyfriend about it later.

This betch is great for when you’re bored and have run out of TV shows to watch. Like when you have the choice of listening to the SSM bitch about her boyfriend or watch Grimm, you'll choose the former because at least it'll make you feel better about your love life. On the plus side, listening to her bitch will give you some insight on how to strategically avoid dating douchebags with no soul.

You know you’re an SSM when you:

– Have had more than one boyfriend with the same first name

– People constantly introduce you as “Jenny, she used to date Brad” or “Brad’s ex-girlfriend”

– Have found yourself crying in a bar bathroom more than once a semester

– Track your boyfriend’s whereabouts more precisely than NASA tracks an impending meteor about to hit Earth.


“Hey [insert name], your body is a wonderland”


The Long Term Relationshiper (LTR) – This betch is also always in a relationship, but these relationships tend to last years. Marriage may be mentioned or in some extreme cases, planned. While she also hasn’t been single since she hit puberty, this is usually because she’s been with the same one or two guys since fucking forever, usually with stints of LDRing.

This betch is great because her love life is pretty much drama-free and she’s like, nauseatingly happy. Because of this, she has more than enough time to listen to you talk about yourself, your dating issues, and why various guys fucking suck without adding in her own two cents about her issues. Although she's great to hash out your problems with, beware that she tells everything to her boyfriend so you can bet your ass he knows more about your sexual history than your gynecologist.

The caveat to this betch is that she’s usually fucking boring as shit. Usually, when she’s not skyping with her BF, you'll find her sober driving her besties to the bars or wearing a turtleneck long sleeve dress to clubs. She makes an effort to still go out and have a good time, but fear not, she will always be having less fun more sober than you.

Now that we've established that this girl is boring as fuck, we're going to pose the question that boggles our beautiful minds: Is she boring because she's constantly in a relationship or is she constantly in a relationship because she's boring? The world may never know, or give enough of a shit to think about after they finish reading this paragraph.

Let’s explore the elusive yet interesting constantly wifed up bro. With guys there are two types of serial daters.

The David Duchovony – The guys who constantly have girlfriends and constantly cheat on them, probably because of an undiagnosed sex addiction. They keep these girlfriends around so they can have consistent sex and if they’re in an LDR, sex whenever they’re with their GF, yet they still go out nightly with their bros in attempt to fuck anything with a pulse. The best part is how their girlfriend is either oblivious (dumb as shit) or indifferent (afraid that she wont find a new boyfriend post break-up). Most of the time, these guys like the idea of having a hot betch as a girlfriend, but never have any intention for this to be like, a monogamous thing.


runaway bride“I've been waiting my whole life for an SAB like you”


The Paul Rudd in “I Love You Man” – Then there are the guys who date girls who are way out of their league in order to lock them down and take them off the market. When they're not being called 'pussy whipped' by their friends or reciting lines from A Walk to Remember, they're consistently being bitched around by these betches whom they worship. Meanwhile, the world marvels at how E was able to date Sloane for six seasons even hook up with Sloane.

So serial daters, while we appreciate your role in the bestie circle and are disgusted by your inability to ever be alone, you’re seriously missing out by not experiencing the single betch life. Being a serial dater means you’re either always stressed out, or more boring than the State of the Union. From time to time, serial dating can be great, but it will suck when you’re 35 and discover you’re Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride, but without Richard Gere to help you decide whether you actually prefer your eggs scrambled or nonexistent.


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