Soooo we were actually going to stop recapping Revenge, and we were kind of excited to announce how it wasn't meeting our recap quality standards and we were officially over it…but last night's ep was pretty dece. We weren't like dying, but it kept our attention long enough for us to know, vaguely, what was going on.
It started out as kind of a joke, with Emanda giving us the definition of 'duress.' Thanks Mandy. Like, why was this an episode of fucking Law and Order. All of this legal jargon don't they know we haven't taken Torts!! I OBJECT.
But 20 minutes in we were pretty content with Revenge's comeback, sans Sharpie nonetheless.
Regarding the divorce proceedings: Since when are attorneys who specialize in high profile divorces the same ones who defend against accused national terrorists?
Regarding the flashbacks: This show is a fucking Spanish soap opera, on Wed 10-11pm they should change the channel to ABC LATINA.
Regarding the clam bake: Who would've been invited to a potentially blow out clam bake anyway? It seems like Daniel has one friend and he's a closeted gay extortionist who's on the outs.“I thought it was only for friends and family,” Nolan inquired. Since when is a birthday party for anyone other than friends and family?
What happened to Nolan's security guards?
Why would Emanda steal the meds that are the only thing keeping Tyler normal? That seems like a smart idea.
Tyler to Daniel: “We're best buds, remember?” – What is this, the Partridge family? WHO SAYS THAT? REALLY WRITERS? REALLY?
Emanda's fingerprints are all over that Frank's wallet. We've caught enough Dexter episodes to know that wouldn't pan out without some gloves. Just saying.
…Wait. AMANDA CLARKE'S finger prints are technically the ones all over the wallet… scandy.
When Emanda called it “the interwebs?” You couldn't just say online? Who are you, Borat?
Victoria's obsession with Daniel: “Danielllll, darling, you left without saying goodbye last night, you know I don't like it when you sneak out and make me feel like a cheap hooker.”
“Daniel, it's so hard to believe so much time has passed since I first brought you home from the hospital” .… seriously.. I loled. No but seriously how much time, why won't anyone say how old he's turning?
Emily Vancamp can't walk that well in heels, she kind of forgets to bend her knees? Emily walking in heels is sort of how we imagine FDR would walk if he got out of his wheelchair… or some other fucked up joke about polio.
There's no fucking way Daniel Grayson has an Oliver Wendell Holmes poem memorized. He's like, way too good looking.
Nolan, amidst getting stabbed: “Oh NO!! Not my favorite shirt! Tyler You bastard! Take my advanced digital recording equipment but not the shirt! This was hand threaded in Milan!”
Ty at the clam bake: “Let's take it back to David Clarke and the summer of '69” Ty, that's a lot of years to go through in one hold-up, you sure you're committed?
This episode had the best ending ever, we haven't seen Vic smile so hard since her last facelift, and this time because her prenup is null. Our kinda betch.
What Everyone Was Thinking During the Clam Bake (Almost) Massacre:
Conrad: “Shit I hope this fucker doesn't get me, I'm finally single”
Emanda: “Wahhhhh mommy stole my pwesent!!” – Emz… you mad?
Victoria: ANYTHING BUT DANIEL.
Tyler: “Alex? What are you doing here? Can't you see I'm in the middle of shooting up my BFF's clam bake? Come back in a few hours.”
Ashley: “Shit, I'm the asshole who fucked this guy….”
Nolan: “Shit, I'm the asshole who fucked this guy….”
Victoria Grayson's imminent drinking problem. Hello Kirsten Cohen.
Nolan's unspoken dolphin fetish will unfold. His b.