Revenge Recap: Parternity Test Party

We found it a little harder to make fun of this week’s episode only because it was casually soooo fucking good and intense. It was like a Who’s Yo Baby Daddy episode of Maury combined with one of the many incestuous eps of One Life To Live. We share a sister, I think your dad raped my mom, lets get married!

The best part of this whole scandal is that we find out how insanely evil Victoria really is, only looking out for how much money she’s going to get out of this divorce settlement. I’ll just deal with my daughter later, who may or may not kill herself if she finds out her dad is an alleged terrorist I framed, nbd.

Whatevs, we’re just so happy Emanda finally said “I came here for revenge” aloud and surprisingly not that upset the red sharpie was MIA because Emandy’s face while Danny boy accused her dad of raping his mom was satisfying enough. However there was one thing we’re still dying to know, and it was why couldn’t someone turn on a fucking light?


Call outs:


Note to Fake Amanda: Putting on a blazer doesn’t make your booty shorts any less trashy. #povogirlproblems

“Looks are always deceiving with Victoria….because her face isn’t physically able to make emotions”

If Charlotte isn’t Connie’s daughter, then does that mean Declan can’t go to prep school anymore!? Let’s be real here, what does he need to prepare for anyway, new stealthy ways of stealing lobster?

One would think Daniel might check before planning his romantic boat proposal. I’m on a boat.

revengeso. jealous.


Ashley just ordered a vodka soda, we like her a little more.


Ashley, we don’t hate you because you’re poor. You’re poor because we hate you.

Ah silly Conrad, you underestimate the fact that Vic fucking hates Charlotte. Remember when she wished she were never born? Makes us think of the time Lucille Bluth said: She’s trying to prove that she’s closer to my children than I am, but the joke’s on her, because she doesn’t know how little I care for my son. Sucks if you don’t get it.

Emily earwigs me into “getting all up in Mason’s grill” – Chill, Fake Amanda – you’re supposed to be poor not black.

Daniel has never been hotter than when he proposed to Emanda in the rain. If we had a heart it would’ve broken.

The emphasis on this storm is too much. Emanda should’ve started her narration with ’twas a dark and stormy night…

In all the flashbacks Victoria and Conrad look EXACTLY the same age. Like this is supposed to be 20 years ago COMMON. Just because the screen is a blueish hue doesn’t mean they’re younger. Like what, if I paint my body blue I’ll look like I’m 12? No I’ll just look like a fucking avatar.

“Two paternity tests, 1 night” is this the new “2 girls 1 cup.” Also, is it possible to match half-sisters on DNA? Oh science.

Emanda’s 5 seconds of self-reflected guilt. Then 5 minutes later she’s over it. So betchy.

Who’s Emanda’s fake ID dealer? She has more fake IDs than we went through in high school.


LOL Moments


Po’ boy Jack Porter obvi can’t take on a big skinhead looking dude.

Hahaha “I’ve always wanted a sister.” Too cheesy and timely Revenge writers. Sorry.



Nolan: I may have Jack’s blood all over my jacket, but you’ve got it all over your hands. Still though, this jacket was expensive. I’m pissed.

The soap opera porn flashback. What is this show? Also, Vic, you’re (sort of) coming clean to Daniel about David Clarke, don’t you think this is an occasion to turn on some lights in your fucking house??

For some, commitment is like faith. A chosen devotion to another person. For others, commitment is part of an intricate revenge fantasy to get back at a skinny Hamptons ho.

HHAHHA fake Emanda’s apology note “All good things come to an end and I wanted to leave before this does.” That’s even worse than ‘it’s not me it’s you.” If we were Jack we’d think take as a sign of my girlfriend leaving me because I’m a big bed ridden pussy.

Last week’s recap>>




More amazing sh*t

Best from Shop Betches