Mad Men Recap: Bertie Has A Goiter!

So last night's Mad Men centered mostly around January Jones and her Jessica Simpson costume. Like really, it was hard to concentrate on anything else because she was so large, I swear my television was physically see-sawing as she walked across the screen.

Betty Belly rolls aside, apparently everyone was a little too distracted by their #36 work to #145 day drink. So we're going to skip the Blackout Meter today, except for Roget of course, because his idea of work is our idea of a pregame. Oh, and we can be sure Peggy's judgment was somewhat impaired because one day she came to work as a dental hygienist and the next she came as a Christmas elf returning from his naval tour.

peggy outfits

Now back to Betty. We knew she would make a grand entrance this season, but we underestimated just how grand it would be. She literally looked like Fat Bastard, except when she was wearing her pink nightgown, when she looked like cotton candy on two legs. At least we now know why she didn't come to Don's party last week. No, we don't think she was embarrassed of her weight gain, it was because she had a date with a suckling pig.


Now about that cancer scare. I mean, did they even have cancer in the '60s? You could sort of tell she was a little excited to have a disease because it gave her an excuse to be fat other than the fact that she was just fucking fat. Also notice how her approach to asking the doctor for diet pills was completely amateur. Really Betty? Everyone knows you never dive right in to begging for the pills, you want to plant the idea in his head. Start with: “I'm fidgety. I can't do my homework. Every time I go to open a can of Spam I get distracted by a new episode of Rocky and Bullwinkle. What could ever be the problem with me?”

But Sally, we're proud of you. Not eating your ice cream because you don't want to look like your mother. We can't wait until next week when she smokes her first blunt.

betty draper fatI eat because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I eat


Next onto the office drama. Harry is so the #48 dud of Sterling Cooper. Don clearly hates him and pitching to the wrong Rolling Stones obviously didn't fucking help. Harry WOULD.

And about this new Michael Ginsberg – we don't really know what to think. We miss Salvatore.

Rehab Roget: As usual Roger spent the episode prancing around the office with a drink in his hand like it's Blackout Wednesday at a speakeasy. Next week we'll learn that the true reason he wouldn't give Pete his office was because he just paid to have a bathtub installed, so when everyone else goes to meetings he can work on getting another account, Roger's Moonshine. Don said it best, why would we wait for Roger for the Ginsberg meeting, he doesn't even come to important ones!

roger clubYo bro, when we goin' to Lavo?

We also loved when Pete came in to announce that he has good news, but Roger doesn't give a shit what the news is, he just wants to know if it's “drinking news.” But yay! Mohawk's back and resourceful Roger already knows their favorite beverages. Dude I was in the war with the Mohawk peeps – Hank likes vodka, Jack likes Jack. Next thing we know there'll be bottle service and a club banquette installed in the lobby.


Also, notice how Don got a new secretary named Dawn, which Roget finds absolutely hysterical. Clearly not because her name is Dawn but rather because she's black. However we do see his mind is opening to other cultures because he seems real pumped to have a Jew in the office. I hear they know a great recipe for unleavened vodka.

Now onto the topic of Megan. Ok Meg, we get that you're from #3 abroad, but chill with the fucking French. We can tell from your pleated drop-waist skirt and lack of dental care that you're foreign but like, zou bisou bi-shut the fuck up.


– Roget and Pete are gonna have it out, Roget drops a Xany in Pete's coffee one morning before an important meeting. Pete loses an account and his new office.- Sexy times between Peggy and New Guy- Betty will lose weight over some profound realization that she's emotionally 15 years old and has nothing going for her except being thin. Alternatively, she might just stay fat and mature.

Last week's recap>>